Before we can begin,
I must warn you, I fear,
Of the prequel to “The Thing”
that came out earlier this year.
You could always go see it,
but I must ask you: Why?
It’s the same fucking movie
only with shitty CGI.
As our story opens,
Kurt Russell’s playing some chess
And gulping-down scotch
with his beard all a-mess.
Apparently he’s in charge
of some Antarctic research base,
But all his “research” consists of
is sticking a bottle in his face.
Then this crazy Norwegian
comes barging in with a gun!
He’s chasing after a dog
that has gone on the run.
The dog is quickly rescued
by the US research team
And the Norwegian blows himself up
(he’s a dumbass, it would seem).
So what the Hell’s going on?
Kurt Russell must find the answers!
This movie’s okay so far,
but I think I’d rather watch “Trancers”.
So Russell visits the Norwegian base
wearing some stupid cowboy hat,
But all the Norwegians are dead
(see the prequel if you give a damn about that).
Russell does find a clue, though,
while rifling through the joint:
A humongous block of ice
that had something in it at one point.
Then he finds the corpse of some monster
the Norwegians had tried to cremate
And brings it back to the base
for Wilford Brimley to investigate.
Later, the dog-thing explodes
into tentacles and goo
And Russell finds the alien’s spaceship
(and it’s silly-looking, too).
Wilford Brimley comes to the conclusion
that one of them is now The Thing
And this sudden revelation
makes him go bat-shit insane!
He destroys their helicopter
and all means of communication,
So they lock him up in a shed
then discuss the thing’s procreation.
Some flimsy evidence
makes everyone suspect Kurt Russell,
But he takes the upper hand
with a good ole dynamite-hustle!
After some dude gets his arms bit off
by another dude’s chest,
Kurt Russell then swiftly concocts
an ingenious test
To determine which one of them
is not who they claim.
Is it the black guy from “They Live”?
(Keith David is his name.)
He ties every one of them up
from their hands to their feet
Then takes samples of their blood
and puts them to heat.
This roots out which one of the crew
is the thing in disguise
And Russell sets it on fire
to rescue the good guys.
But there’s still one more person
they haven’t accounted for:
Wilford Brimley’s still out in that shed,
behind a locked door!
When they get to his shed,
they find a cave down below.
He’d been building an escape ship
in the cold ice and snow!
Then the thing blows the generators.
Now with the temperature dropping,
They decide their top priority
has got to be in stopping
The thing before it escapes
and infects the whole planet.
So they burn their camp to the ground,
committing suicide, god dammit.
One by one, the survivors are hunted
by the evil Wilford Brimley
Who ambushes them from the shadows,
disposing of them, grimly.
Soon, only Kurt Russell is left
to face the gigantic thing.
He shouts, “Fuck you, too!”
then dynamites it right in the wang.
Hold on! There’s still one twist left!
Keith David isn’t dead!
Could he be a guise for the thing?
Is he alright in the head?
If you want to know what happens next
you could play the PS2 game,
But I wouldn’t recommend it:
That thing was awfully lame.