9. BRUCE BANNER; OR THE NASTY NERD RAGER
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Ah, playing WOW after work. Really nothing better in life is there, fellas? Just relieving some stress, chillin’ and killin’ as they say with my amigos, my pals, my staunch buddies. Love you dudes.”
*2 seconds later, after group has wiped* “What I don’t understand is why YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK BLOATED DONKEY DICK. I’M JUST RUNNING AROUND HERE LIKE SOME WRINKLYDICKED KODO WITH ITS HEAD CUT OFF, WASTING GLOBAL COOLDOWNS, FUCK FAGGOT DICKS.” *Quits group*
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: This average, mild-mannered Joe just logged on, presumably to kick back his slacks and enjoy a nice session of gaming like the rest of us. He’s amicable, polite, and just a shining example of a great teammate. That is… until the second something looks like it’s not going his way; then he becomes downright acrimonious at the drop of a dime; bursting into fits of uncontrollable rage, blaming others around him, and spewing forth litanies of filth that would make a truck driver blush.
Hey buddy, we all get a little peeved once in a while. The fist-sized holes in my computer room shoddily patched over with incongruously colored layers of joint compound are proof of that. I’m as competitive as the next guy, and there’s no reason to do something if you’re not going to do it right… right?
It’s alright to take the game semi-seriously, but at some point you’ve got to take a step back and realize that the reason you are blowing your stack is because a fictitious, polygonal character on the screen underperformed or moved the wrong way. Sure, maybe your reaction time might have been off a tenth of a second or you fucked up somehow; but other people sure as hell don’t need to be subjected to your nerd tantrums or squeak-laden vociferations. Take a few deep breaths, do a lap around your house, masturbate to Draenic porn. Hell, lodge a remote control in between your asscheeks. Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself. And kindly shut the fuck up and keep it away from my earholes.
What they think they look like:
What they actually look like:
8. THE INSUFFERABLE SYCOPHANT
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: *1.5 seconds after you log in* “Oh hey man, hopefully I caught you at a good time. I like the cut of your jib, brosef. Good job getting Gladiator, by the way. That mount, so shiny. So what do you put in your red slots gear-wise?”
*1 minutes later* Hey again, just me. You’re awesome, just wanted to throw that out there. Anyhoo, could you tell me why you chose those keybinds once more and explain in detail just how much more extra time to the nearest tenth of a second said keybinds would yield me regarding an auto-attack?
*1 more minute later* Oh yeah, what awesome degree angle do you hold your wrist while awesomely clutching the mouse? P.S. You’re awesome.
*30 seconds later* Hey bro, me again. You ever shave your balls to maximize mobility while sitting in your computer chair? Let me know, I was thinking about it, just wanted to hear your opinion. Alright, talk to you soon.
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: I don’t mind doling out advice when someone asks, but I put my pants on one leg, sometimes half of one leg and then half of the other leg and then both legs simultaneously just like everybody else. Just because I have some fictitious Arena title doesn’t mean I am a celebrity, and you don’t have to kiss my ass in a contrived manner. I appreciate the sentiment, but really, there’s no reason to ask my every waking thought or my daily rituals. The more you play a video game and learn from your mistakes, the better you’ll get at it. That’s the best advice I can give you. And oh yeah, please make your own decisions just once, is all I ask. It’ll be good for you, I promise.
7. THE “I’M EVERYTHING WRONG WITH SOCIETY TODAY” POSTER CHILD
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Do my parents get angry that I play this game so much when I should be doing my schoolwork? Not really. My dad said it saved him from having to actually spend any time with me.”
“I may not know be able to name one U.S. President or find ‘Europe’ on a map, but I can take you on a tour of Azeroth blindfolded and craft a genealogical chart of every leader to ever step foot in Orgrimmar. LOK’TAR OGAR!”
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late. I just had to go make myself dinner. First meal I’ve had all day actually. Yeah, I know it’s my birthday but it’s just, well, my parents never cook for me anyways so I’m used to it. What did I have? A bowl of Life cereal. Haha, speaking of which, imagine the taste of Life cereal was subjectively based on how good or bad one’s life was? Guess that’s why mine invariably tastes like a steaming bowl of shit.”
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: This is actually the one individual on the list that shouldn’t be to blame. So who should be? The parents of the child who are so lazy, so neglectful, and so downright abusive that they’ve decided it’s okay to let a fucking video game raise their very progeny.
“If I finish ten more quests will you reward with me what the other kids at school refer to as a ‘hug’ instead of gold and experience points, father?”
6. THE BULLSHIT EXCUSE MAKER
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “LOL, good duel, I woulda beat you easily though if my roommate wasn’t wasting bandwith by downloading that pregnant nun bukakke flick though. Rematch!”
“What, no you didn’t really beat me that time. My cat, he’s so crazy. He jumped all over the keyboard. S34504hoh340hbnl;akgal;ephjwqiphgag! See he just did it again! Mr. Ferdinand Frinklepuss, you’re so crazy!”
“Yeah, whatever, nice match I guess. You’re just lucky I’m still getting used to this passive axe spec.”
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: Because they are full of shit.
5. THE VAINGLORIOUS VAGINAL CREASE
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Whatever man, I’m the tank. Oh, what’s that? I’m being a self-aggrandizing dickhead? You want to deviate from my train of thought or disagree with my undeniably fallacious argument for even one second? Well I swear to God I’ll leave if you all don’t start kissing my ass right now. That’s right, first the left, then the right in sequence, or you can have fun waiting thirty minutes in queue for another tank!”
“I’m a five time Gladiator and you’re only a four time Gladiator. Fucking get on my level, guy! LOL I GOOD!”
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: Winning at something competitive is always a nice stroke to the ol’ ego… but at the end of the day, let’s not shit ourselves: all you did was perform pretty well in a videogame. Just because a few fawning 14 years olds recognize you as “Mikelol” or “Stevenyo,” doesn’t mean the bank is going to start cashing your checks under those prestigious cognomens. And you won’t start sleeping at night on a big pile of money with several beautiful women because you spammed your ice lance button faster than the next Dick, Tom, or Harry(yo). Ever. Unless you live in Japan.
“Bow, as your daughter does.”
4. THE CHRONIC AFKER
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Quick smoke break, brb.”
“Hey, just let me make this one quick phone call then we’ll play some more games.”
“Hey, sorry man, let me just close down this complex program. It’s going to take like thirty minutes or so. Yeah, it’s called Microsoft Paint, ever heard of it?”
“Oh what’s that? You need to wriggle your hand for 1.5 seconds? That’s awesomely convenient, ’cause I’m gonna take a quick smoke break again and also handbrew and then subsequently drink some coffee/put the kids on the school bus/coddle my small infant and then lactate into said infant’s eager, suckling mouth /take my piping hot quiche out of the oven and sprinkle dashes of various seasonings upon it/and then finish reading Tolstoy’s War and Peace and write a treatise on it/break. Brb.”
“… Hey, I know I told you I’d be here in 20 minutes and everything. Well, funny story man. They gave me the wrong bricks to deliver. Crazy isn’t it?”
WHY THIS ENRAGES ME: Of course real life has to come first but if you have really have this much shit going on while you’re purportedly sitting down to play a game, then just don’t even fucking bother to log on.
3. THE ONE-UPPER
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Oh, sweet bro, you got that shimmering chestpiece in Ultra Heroic Karazhan right? Yeah, well me and Datduder, our vaunted GM, got that drop plus the achievement that goes along with it like 14 minutes ago. No biggie.”
“You got your shoulders, finally? Me and Datduder. Yup, you know how we do. Had those Bad Larries 10th overall in the US. Nah, I didn’t even have to look it up. When you’re that highly ranked Blizzard sends you stuff in the mail. And Datduder was the only guy to do it as dubstep spec. Oh yeah, and he’s not Asian.”
WHY THEY ENRAGE ME: You ever done anything in the game from which you derived even the slightest modicum of satisfaction or sense of accomplishment? Well this guy’s either already done it, self-assuredly twenty times better, or he personally knows the guy that has; and guess what, he did it while juggling two flaming 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew in one hand, jerking his dog off with the other, and naturally, face rolling the keyboard.
“Oh? You saw that guy with a pet rock and Arthas’s ballsac glued to the front of it? Yeah, well my uncle is a Blizzard developer. I knew that was coming out approximately 4 months ago. LUL YOU BAD!”
2. HALF-ASSED POLITICAL PUNDITS
COMMONLY OVERHEARD: “Hey, did you guys just see Thrall totally bitch out back there? That reminds me of that numbskull we’ve got in office right now leading this terrible country…”
“Obama? More like NOBAMA, am I right? … It’s ‘cos he’s a black terrorist and I don’t like him.”
WHY THIS ENRAGES ME: Because these retards think they’re on an episode of CNN’s Crossfire. I know political debate is the easiest topic in the world to get charged up about, but it has no damn place in this game. Nobody from the White House is just meticulously scanning World of Warcraft trade chat, hoping to find some dark horse candidate that will lead us out of the dark times our nation currently faces, so just give it a damn rest. I’m pretty sure I came on here to throw fireballs at snarling bison hominoids or run my oversized greatsword through the mustachioed faces of prancing gnomes, not listen to your petty and second rate diatribes about our political system.
1. THE NAGGER OR THE TERRIBLE TATTLE-TALER
“Heck? Did you just say heck!? Well it looks like someone’s mother and father didn’t do a very good job of washing their child’s mouth out with soap, did they, you foul-mouthed little mongrel?”
“I will not have you saying the word ‘hiney’ in the presence of a small child! The nerve of you, heathen!”
WHY THIS ENRAGES ME: The “First Taste of Freedom’s” opposite. Usually a neglected housewife or sissified shut in too old to be playing with no control over her/his own life that desperately seeks some semblance of self worth through nagging people trying to enjoy themselves in-game.
Want to crack a harmless joke? They’re offended, and you’ve already been reported to the internet gaming police. Want to shoot the shit with one of your buddies in vent to detract from the tedium of running the same instance for the 69th time in a week? Well, Nasty Nagger’s got a child playing not far away from their headset and your language is “morally repulsive.” Maybe you should get the fuck off the Internet and be the grownup you so desperately wish to present yourself as then.
Makes you wonder how they can even stomach a game that shows polygonal gouts of blood, angry demons and dragon nipples without picketing Blizzard headquarters with signs that read, “GOD HATES BLIZZARD, YOU GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!”
“Your character name is Rubberz. Reported.”
What’s that? Thirsty for more? We got you. Check out the third installment, Even More Types of Annoying MMO Players
If you play League of Legends, these guys might seem familiar: The 6 Most Annoying League of Legend Players.
How about players that aren’t so bad? Ones that are even, dare I say… enjoyable to play with? 7 Most Enjoyable Online Gamers.