I miss a simpler time. I miss going to the theaters, eager to watch whatever film had been deemed worthy of my parent’s hard earned money and being subjected to a fresh batch of movie trailers I had no idea existed.

Nowadays you can sit yourself down at your nearest screen and spend hours watching every trailer imaginable. I feel that this process ruins some of the wonder of going out to the movies. Trailers seem much less effective when they are not booming in front of you on a gigantic screen.

Having said that, let’s all spend a bit of time watching a movie trailer on our individual screens! Shall we?


Snow White and The Huntsman



Upon coming upon the trailer via the Apple website, my immediate reaction is “Why the fuck?” Before the trailer is even loading I hate it.

Hollywood has fallen into a horrible slump of simply recreating or re-imagining old stories instead of allowing new ideas to see production based on the sanctity of profit. It’s a business, plain and simple. I get that. But presenting the masses with unimaginative schlock will result in diminishing sales and an unhappy consumer base that would rather pirate your films because what you’re presenting isn’t worth their money.


What’s that? Jack and Jill made 25 million opening weekend? Fuck my life.

I’m not going to lie to you. I was interested within twenty seconds. Moody music, medieval battles (I’ve been on a Game of Thrones kick) and some interesting special effects are making me give it a chance. Charlize Theron is both hot and menacing and I think I’m into that. AAAAAAAnd now she’s covered in white stuff. I think I’m into that too.


Hmm… This better not awaken anything in me.

Of course you have to have the “mirror, mirror” crap. It wouldn’t be snow white without it. Nice of them to try to put some spin on it by having the CG guy slime his way out of the mirror. I wonder who’s playing Snow White in this movie anyw—AH SHIT It’s Kristen Stewart.

This young leading lady does not have a solid track record with me. Her most memorable performances were either in Twilight or Jumper. It’s not what I call quality.


She could most likely be replaced with a can of soup.

I get it though; she’s in right now. People will pay to see her and she likes making money. I’m certain this is just another job for her but you can’t blame her for that.

A quick shot of Stewart’s pretty face and that’s all of the pretense you need. Of course, you’ve had it since you were old enough to remember bedtime stories, but that’s beside the point. They hit you with the “THIS SUMMER” and it’s onto the slew of captivating imagery in no particular order designed to interest you in the film without letting you know what the fuck it’s about.

We’re checking out some moody fantasy landscapes, there’s a weird a bat-thing, and Chris Hemsworth is doing his best “get angry and throw whatever carpentry tool is closest” face. He spouts out his lines in what I think is a Scottish accent and then we’re back to Inception-ish music over more random imagery. We get out glimpse of our Prince Charming (played by Sam Claflin). He’s pretty dreamy.

You get your shot of the red apple. Maybe Kristen will just sleep for a majority of the movie. Oh wait. She’s leading a fucking army. There goes that pipedream.


Did anyone else notice that giant troll thing? That wasn’t just me? Ok, cool.

Charlize gives the final lines with as much bad-assery as she can and that’s when I realize it:

This movie looks cool.

Now note that I didn’t say this movie looks GOOD. It looks cool. I would watch it eventually, if it was on TV and nothing else was.

Despite being from the producers of Alice in Wonderland, they didn’t Burtonize it. It was a bit dark and moody (as a film about eating someone’s heart should be). There’s fantasy and battles and Charlize Theron exploding into a flock of crows. Chris Hemsworth is constantly likable and for all intents and purposes Kristen Stewart could be in a half-dead slumber for anywhere from a quarter to two-thirds of the movie.

Am I going to go see it opening night? Fuck no. It’ll take a lot more than that to get me in a seat. Do you know how expensive going to the movies is nowadays? However, I won’t blame you if you want to.