Nobody’s perfect. Even professional athletes, individuals we liken to “real life superheroes,” are no exception to the rule. Some just happen to screw up way worse than others. Like these poor, poor bastards:
8. Tony Romo fumbles snap for game-winning kick
Despite his obvious talent and heart, Tony Romo often comes under fire for times where he acts like, for lack of euphemisms, a complete dumbass. Here’s one of his worst offenses: fumbling the snap for a 10 yard, potential game-winning field goal and belly flopping short of the goal line to lose to the Seahawks 21-20 in the ’07 playoffs. Bill Parcels retired after this game, presumably out of disgust and permanent erectile dysfunction.
7. Ryan Braun does his best “spin dash” impression
An inside-the-park homerun is usually a rare testament to one’s supreme athleticism, rounding the bases like a whirling dervish, using unparalleled speed and fortuitous ball placement to beat out the throwing arms of enemies. Unless you are running so fast that you lose control of your cleated feet and go tumbling face first like a hilarious parody of Sonic the Hedgehog that is. I laud you for your effort and your MVP Award, Ryan Braun, but you have not unlocked video game physics yet.
6. Von Wafer misses a dunk. Hold on, it gets worse…
It’s embarrassing enough to miss an emphatic dunk and then trash talk the away crowd with shoulder shimmying bravado, totally oblivious of your blunder; but you enter a specifically reserved phylum of asshole when you finally realize your failure, try to hustle back in bounds, and cause your teammate (who just busted his ass to grab the rebound from your boneheaded gaffe) to lose the ball as well, like ol’ Von Wafer here.
5. “C’est fini!”
I’m not sure what fighting style Lautaro Tucas was employing here against Chris Clements but it’s pretty safe to say he pictured things going a whole hell of a lot differently in his mind. His cunning stratagem of stotting like a gazelle might have worked were he eluding a crippled lion on an African savannah or fighting an actual crippled human being, but here it deservedly gets him knocked right the fuck back to whatever Power Rangers episode he was watching beforehand.
It puts a damper on your ego to knock your own ass out during a fight while trying to power bomb the other fighter. The guy jumping around and celebrating after the match is actually the bigger asshole though, due to his “hard earned victory,” being the equivalent of bringing a hot chick home from the bar only to find out “her” dick dwarfs your own in size.
4. Craig Smith and Patrick Stefan make my grandmother look like Nancy Kerrigan
I suppose we can chalk it up to a simple rookie mistake here when Craig Smith of the Predators misses on a net with a pulled goalie and no opposition within 5 feet. I haven’t laced up a pair of skates since a bog near my best friend’s house froze over ten years ago and I still could have made this shot. But at least the harm was minimal. In fact, everyone was so sure that Smith had scored the goal that even the officials and the guy working the goal horn/siren proceeded as they normally would under goal scoring circumstances for a couple of minutes. Yeah, Smith had to hang his head in shame as he returned to the bench, but at least the other team didn’t pick up the puck and proceed to nicely score…
Like when Patrick Stefan literally flailed onto his face like the victim of someone in the rafters strategically stabbing away at a Patrick Stefan voodoo doll. I’d love to do some more berating, but the announcer does a fair job of making Stefan regret ever being born with comments such as, “That in no way belongs in the National Hockey League,” and “I’ve been around the game 25 years at the pro level and that is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen.”
3. Jose Canseco nicely helps the other team by headbutting ball into the stands
This doesn’t technically fall under the last decade, as it happened in a 1993 game against the Cleveland Indians… but it’s Jose Canseco, so he’s going on the list.
Ahem. It’s too bad there’s no steroid for innervating the ol’ brain muscles, am I right? (Besides reading Adventures in Poor Taste that is!) But maybe being struck directly in the forehead actually knocked some sense into him. Oh wait. There’s still him snitching on multitudes of his former ballplayers. And getting his ass handed to him by Vai Sikahema in a celebrity boxing match. And Hong Man Choi in his MMA debut. And… [article edited to meet size requirements.]
2. Asante Samuel turns conceivable best NFL team in history into no more than miserable blemish in the record books
Being a Patriots fan, I would be remiss not to include this Bucknerian gaffe by Asante Samuel in Super Bowl XLII that had me screaming like a kamikaze pilot at the television screen and scaring my dog into a weeklong, self-induced quarantine beneath a basement staircase.
Instead of cementing the 2007-08 Patriots as the best team in NFL history, they went down as a juggernaut team that went 18-0 in the regular season and playoffs just to blow it all in the Superbowl… to the less talented Manning brother no less. God dammit.
1. Fairy tale comeback capped off by shittiest, most anticlimactic finale ever
Watch with incredulity as the Saints pull off an amazing touchdown play with enough laterals and switchbacks and broken tackles to make the script writers of the movie Little Giants shake their fists and cry, “Bullshit!”
Surely after such a miraculous comeback, God himself had decreed that the Saints were going to win this game, no questions asked.
… Then Jon Carney went and flubbed the routine extra point kick that would have tied the game and sent it into overtime. Listen to the extreme despondency in the announcer’s voice as he wails, “NOOOOOO! How could he do that?” like he has just witnessed a man in a trenchcoat fondle a little boy’s asscheek on the playground.
I’m just surprised we didn’t hear anything in the news about the entire Saints team taking turns teeing off on the kneecap of Carney’s kicking leg with a lead pipe in the locker room immediately following the game.