So as you may have gathered, I may have questionable morals. Or at least a skewed sense of imagination and humor. So don’t be alarmed, but I think my fantasy hunk is Miami Metro’s sexiest serial killer.

Before you balk, let me tell you why. There are very practical reasons.


Dirty Socks


Or dirty laundry of any kind, for that matter. Dex has said it himself; he’s a “very neat monster”. I highly doubt that someone who’s committed countless homicides without leaving a trace of evidence would neglect to pick up after himself. Toothpaste in the sink? A thing of the past. The man is immaculate. Sure it’s a little OCD, but better than the messy alternative, right?


Look, he even recycles!


Retribution


That creepy guy that hits on you at the gym? Taken care of. And no, I don’t mean hacked to pieces and tossed off “Slice of Life” – even Dex has a moral compass. But you bet your britches he’d intimidate the fuck out of anyone who crossed your path the wrong way. That ex that did you dirty? Well, depending on the crime, a little bruising and blood may be in order… And didn’t he deserve it?


Yeah, *this* creepy guy.


The End of the World


Yeah, I’m kind of fixated on this event happening in my lifetime. Call it being a fatalist. Call it a hunch. Whatever. Either way, not only is Mr. Morgan sexy as hell (in that oh-so-evil way) but he’s a goddamned killing machine! His weapons arsenal alone would be worth a second date. And even if the apocalypse didn’t come, at least my kitchen knives would always be sharp. Never underestimate the power of good cutlery.


Or the hot hot man wielding said cutlery.


Your Mama


No, really. Your mother will love him. Everyone will love him, unless they have a creepy Doakes-ian insight. Dexter is a master at blending in, and being adored. He has to be. Can’t have anyone looking too closely. So that awkward holiday dinner you’re dreading? No problem. When in doubt, our boy has a dozen doughnuts and a good ol’ boy smile to dazzle his way past the scrutiny of your family. Pay no mind to the black gloves sticking out of his pocket.


And pay no mind to the blood splatter. This man is charming as fuck.


He Sees Dead People


And no, not all Haley Joel Osment “Look, Bruce Willis, you’ve been dead this whole fucking time” style. A somewhat endearing relationship with his father Harry is perpetuated through Dex’s vivid imagination. Sure, their conversations are about “The Code” and who to kill or not kill, and how to get away with it. But a strong father figure is a strong father figure. At least he kills the bad guys, right?

And at the end of the day, in the grand scheme of things, he can never call YOU crazy. He has an entity he calls his Dark Passenger living inside his brain. Sorry sweetheart, compared to my PMS, you take the fucking cake.

Sure its dysfunctional, but I’ve seen plenty worse. What’s a little murder? At least it’s not THIS:


I wish there was a clause in Harry’s code to kill stupid.

Dexter may not be perfect, but he’s better than most. All in all, I’ll take it, homicide and all. Besides, if these aren’t bedroom eyes, I don’t know what is.


Or, “I’m going to strap you to a table” eyes. Which could be good, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing. *cough*

You can find Dexter: Seasons 1-6 on Amazon.