I long ago stopped hiding the fact that I’m an avid fan of HBO’s True Blood, which just wrapped up its fourth season. And, while watching the show isn’t exactly my manliest hobby, it does have plenty of redeeming qualities for its male viewers, not the least of which is the bevy of really hot, usually naked women that call the program home. Season four of True Blood might have been the most asstacular (yes, it’s a word) yet, so, in honor of its culmination, I give you the five hottest women to make an appearance in it (ranked in order of their boner-inducing powers).
5. Alexandra Breckenridge as Katerina Pelham
She might not look like much in that photo, but that was part of the appeal of Alexandra Breckenridge’s Katerina Pelham. Because, when the glasses came off and the hair came down, you suddenly realized, “Oh, s--t, that’s a hot chick!” You’d think having watched She’s All That and thousands of hours of secretary-themed pornography would have clued me in to the fact that a shapely, bespectacled woman with her hair in a bun almost always reveals herself to be a simmering sexpot, but it still tricks me every time.
4. Vedette Lim as Naomi
Every character throughout True Blood‘s fourth season kept referring to Vedette as Asian, which is weird, because she looks half-Asian at the most. That’s fine in my book, though, because half-Asian chicks can wind up with the best of both worlds: White T&A combined with Asian non-lardiness. They’re like the result of some Nazi breeding experiment gone horribly right. Even if Vedette did reveal herself a little lacking in the breasticles department, it happened during the course of several topless lesbian scenes, which helped to soften the blow.
3. Paola Turbay as Antonia Gavilán de Logroño
This one’s a bit of a shot in the dark, because Paola wears a dress as revealing as a burlap sack for the season’s entirety. Still, she’s got a great lid, and I doubt she was hiding excessive scarification or a missing tit under that thing. What can I say? When it comes to uselessly fantasizing about women I’ve seen on TV, I like to be bold. I’ll bet if you cleaned the schmutz off of Paola’s face, took care of that Blackie Lawless hair and put her in a revealing (but not too revealing) pasties-and-g-string ensemble, she’d turn out okay.
2. Deborah Ann Woll as Jessica Hamby
Deborah’s been with True Blood since its first season and has always been really sexy onscreen. There’s just one problem: In a show where everyone is nude roughly 80% of the time, she’s never bared it all. Not once. Sure, she’s shown everything short of the top of the mountain, but that’s being a nipple-lawyer, which no one likes. When Deborah’s 70 with tits like that grandma from Playboy, I’m sure she’ll regret failing to commit them to film in their spry, youthful prime. So this is really about wanting to help someone out.
1. Janina Gavankar as Luna Garza
Indian women go one of two ways: They’re either unibrowed with a gut hanging out of their sari and an air of curried fart about them or they are so stupidly hot that you can think of nothing but having sex with them upside down on top of an elephant or whatever the Kama Sutra’s version of missionary is. Janina falls into that second camp, thank God. Every second she was on screen I was blinded by the fact that she made everyone else look like a gargoyle by comparison. Oh, and she got naked. A lot. Looks plus bared areolas is a winning combination in this man’s book (the title of that book being Women I’d Like to Sleep With). Janina, enjoy your crown, m’lady.
Read more of John’s thoughts on True Blood and range of other topics on his website In Papa’s Basement.