If you’re anything like us here at Adventures in Poor Taste, you’re broke. But you know what? That’s okay. I feel as though we’ve given you some quality suggestions over the week that should fit in any one’s price range.
However, we are allowed to dream. Sure, you may not be able to give the following gifts without severely jeopardizing your ability to pay next month’s rent, but we just want you to know that they’re out there.
Smallville: The Complete Series: $249.99
I remember sitting down a decade ago and watching the series premier of Smallville. In it, a shirtless Tom Welling hung crucified in a corn field with a large red “S” painted on his chest and I had one thought. “Man, this show is a dud.”
Oh how partially wrong I was. Throughout it’s ten-season run, Smallville has provided us with a roller coaster of quality. Some episodes are laughably cheese-filled atrocities, while others are so damn good you find the entire series validated in a the course of a few scenes.
Smallville is like that one friend from high school that you still talk to, despite not really liking a majority of their qualities. Sure they can be annoying and may have never even fully developed as a person, but for better or for worse you still love them. This show had me tuning in when I thought of the majority of late-night programming as unwatchable, and it will forever hold a place in my heart.
I’m not going to lie to you, $249.99 on Amazon is a ludicrous price to pay for this. It comes with some cool bonuses such as a 90 minute series retrospective and a physical issue of the Daily Planet created by DC Comics and I personally think the presentation is classy as all hell. If you know someone is a die-hard fan of the show and you’re fairly certain he or she would orgasm at the sight of this box set, only then do I say go for it.
World’s Finest Comics #20: $400.00
On the topic of Superman, I had a funny life-goal a while back.
After coming upon Superdickery.com (A website that showcases comic covers of Superman being an inexplicable asshole. Go.) I wanted to collect my favorite portrayals of Superdouche and display them on the wall of my dream nerdcave/virginarium. The only problem is that these things are ridiculously expensive.
One of my number one picks was World’s Finest #20. Sure, there are some more vicious displays of cruelty such as Superman making Aquaman and Jimmy Olsen compete to the death or Superman happily murdering Lois Lane in space, but the cover of issue 20 is something a bit more innocent, and much more evil.
With a simple tip of the scale superman is scarring Robin for life with a weight complex he will never be rid of. I theorize that this issue is the very reason that Dick was never able to maintain a steady relationship throughout his life as both Robin and Nightwing. That was pre-new 52, of course. Nowadays DC is just an orgy of sexual deviants who will never know true love.
My one and only gripe with this fantastic cover is that it is currently estimated to sell at anywhere from $100 to $10,800, depending on condition. Now I know to take comicspriceguide.com listings with several grains of salt, but even if you were to settle for a non-rated Fine copy (No one buys Good) you could still be looking at something in the $400 range.
Is that amount worth it for a joke comic cover? Absolutely.
Mac Pro: $14,214.00
Since this is the “Dream Gifts” edition, I’m going to truly list something that could only exist in my dreams, as I sadly never plan to accrue this kind of money. But since it’s all in my head anyway, I present to you: the most tricked-out Mac Pro I could build on Apple.com! (I’m an Apple fanboy. Deal with it.)
Let’s start with the basics: Two nice 6-core 2.93 GHz Intel Xeon processors ($1,200). For those of you who aren’t great at math, that’s 12 cores. TWELVE. Then we’ll jam 64GB of RAM in there (DDR3 RAM, of course. $3,550). Next we’ll add a RAID card ($700.00) to protect the four 2 Terabyte hard drives we’ll have in there ($4,400). 8 TB of hard drive space..that’s a lot of porn. Next we’ll toss in two 1GB ATI Radeon 5770s ($500), and two SuperDrives ($200) because, hey, why not? Then we’re gonna need a monitor to see all this glory ($999). Actually, let’s make it two ($999). I wanna be able to play WoW while watching porn (doesn’t everybody?) Then we’ll throw in not only a Magic Mouse but a Magic Trackpad as well for maximum browsing options ($138). Throw in $20.00 for the wireless keyboard as opposed to its inferior wired counterpart, and a $29 DVI adapter, and you’re good to go for only the equivalent of a down payment on a home!
Stormtrooper Motorcycle Suit: $1148.00
Want to be the bad boy rebel that your parents hate and whom immature girls the world over seeking passive aggressive revenge on their own parents want to hang out with? Then buy a motorcycle. Want to throw away such pleasurable boons associated with being a biker completely? (And have everyone throw rocks at you?) Then proclaim your love for the Star Wars universe by riding around on your nice motorcycle wearing this:
That’s right folks. That’s real grade-A cowhide you’re looking at. We’re talking cleverly disguised and inexplicably detailed pants, gloves, boots, and jacket; and for the small price of $1148 (or the equivalent in Imperial Credits, lolz) the whole set can be yours.
Bladefish Underwater Scooter: $524.99
If you thought the above picture was just an asshole trying to alleviate Sebastian and the rest of his undersea friends with a nice, cooling breeze during a hot summer day with a household axial fan, then I really wouldn’t blame you in the least. Because that’s kind of what it looks like. But no, that’s no mere window fan this asshole wields. That’s the Bladefish Underwater Scooter, baby! According to the website, you can take this bad larry up to 20 meters underwater (over 65 and a half feet) and cruise to “blazing speeds of up to 3.75 MPH.” While using this technology would hopefully get you devoured by some bamboozled shark or orca, it would certainly be one hell of a ceremonious way to go, wouldn’t it?
The Real Ghostbusters: The Complete Series: $120.99
“Dream gift” might be pushing it a bit, but that mostly has to do with Amazon monumentally cutting the price from $180 to $120.99 (and it originally MSRPed for $250!). It’s relatively affordable, sure; but so long as anyone on a budget denies themselves all other luxury purchases for, I dunno, however long it takes them to make up a Benjamin while bussing tables.
The Real Ghostbusters is that anomally of 80s animated television; a comedy series that was intelligently written to appeal to all audiences rather than elementary schoolers, who were used to being shoveled the same bland punchlines since the 60s. It was funny, it was smart, it was well-acted and, at least until the budget ran out during its twilight seasons, surprisingly well-animated by Japanese studios such as Tokyo Movie Shinsha and Toei.
Time-Life has since collected the series in one of the most impressive complete DVD sets I have ever seen. You have all 140 episodes of The Real Ghostbusters, all 33 episodes of the wretched pre-schooler oriented Slimer! series (which they really didn’t have to include but did anyway), the pilot short film that’s more like a slick music video, interviews with actors, directors, writers, producers, storyboarders and art designers, retrospectives, episode intros, alternate music-only tracks, episode commentaries, art galleries, a guidebook and holy shit, do you need to own this. Even the packaging is commendable, as it boasts 5 indestructable steelbook cases (loaded with 5 disks each) and all neatly stacked into a cardboard replica of the Firehouse.
This set has EVERYTHING. No other cartoon from the 80s, not Transformers, not G.I. Joe, not Turbo Teen, NONE of them have gotten the royal DVD treatment like The Real Ghostbusters. The quality of the show is superb and the quality of this DVD set matches it.
It qualifies for AiPT’s “dream gift” category due to exceeding $100 bucks, but at $120 it is a reasonably attainable dream. Get it as a gift for yourself; screw your ungrateful friends.
Doctor Who Ride-In Dalek: $299.99
ZOMG! The CUTE! It kills me!
I don’t care that the Daleks are a psychotic race intent on exterminating any species in the universe that isn’t them — this is fucking AHdorable. Screw a Power Wheels – I want my Youngling riding around in these badass wheels. World domination is only a few years away, he may as well learn the basics now.
I wonder what the weight limit is…
iPad 2: $499.99
Okay, I know there’s a huge bunch of you that will call me a sellout, or a hipster, or a hipster sellout, or what-the-fuck-ever, but I WANT this thing. I’ve wanted an iPad since the first annoying commercial jingle caught my ear. It’s sleek, it’s beautiful, and it’s powerful. My aging laptop doesn’t hold a candle to the massive awesome that is this thing. And why not opt for a more affordable Android powered tablet? Well, I would settle. Any port in a storm, right? But given the choice, the answer is simple: Apple makes damned good products. And considering I would use this thing for everything but shitting and breathing, I think the investment will prove worthy over the long haul. Life! There’s an app for that!
Again, I digress, this is a gift GIVING guide – so show someone how much you care by shelling out half a grand on a gift that will guarantee they ignore you in favor of cyberspace even MORE!