We all do mean things some times. Maybe when you were in elementary school you called the kid who was bad at soccer “Lieutenant Dan” or maybe you were rude to that lady at the post office this afternoon because you had a bad day at work. Nobody’s perfect and we all act like pricks without reason some time or another. But when Jason Voorhees loses his temper and acts like a jerk… holy shit.

I know what you’re thinking: “Jason kills people for a living, isn’t that already some pretty mean-spirited behavior?” Not really. Jason kills people. It’s what he does. Is a coyote “being mean” when he eats a rabbit? Is an accountant “being mean” when he shreds paper? No. So when Jason buries a machete into that annoying little douchebag, he isn’t “being mean”, he’s just doing his job.

However, there are moments when Jason loses his temper, stops doing his job and starts acting like an asshole. And these are some of my favorites.


#5: Jason does your mom in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday


What happened:

As we’ve known since Day One, Jason is in fact a demonic little monster called the “Hell Baby”, capable of possessing people’s bodies for short periods of time, causing them to decompose rapidly. The signs were everywhere, people, if only you paid attention.

Anyhow, so Jason’s niece, Jessica, and her infant son are at the old Voorhees house where Jason grew up, waiting to ambush him and kill him for good. Jason shows up and, after delivering a few lines of dialogue (no, really), he goes all Hell Baby and winds up getting tossed into the basement. While down there, he is presented with two options: he could open up the crate from Creepshow (making a completely random cameo) and possess the killer monkey monster inside, becoming the most kickass thing in cinema history… or he can fuck your mom.

That douchebag chooses the latter. Or, more specifically, he chooses to crawl up the snatch of Jessie’s dead mother, who also happens to be his half sister. This, as it happens, allows Jason to be reborn in his old body (and old clothes and hockey mask, for some reason). So, even though Jessie sends him to Hell at the end of the movie, Jason can roast with satisfaction knowing that he may be dead, but he totally fucked her mom.

Why?

Okay, so this wasn’t entirely an act of bad attitude on Jason’s part, as he had a logical reason for wriggling his way into the warm birth canal of Jessie’s dead mother, but still, he chose to crawl inside of her instead of the awesome Antarctic beast from “Creepshow.” Try to imagine it: the toothy, blood-thirsty, man-eating puppet from Creepshow, amplified with all of Jason’s killing powers. He could have taken out Jessie, Steve, Creighton Duke and the baby in under a minute. Then, once the body disintegrated, he could choose which corpse of a Voorhees relative he wanted to be reborn through.

But no, Jason chose to bypass becoming an even-more-ultimate killing machine just so he could defile his half sister’s corpse and hurt his niece’s feelings that much more.

How this relates to us:

For most of us, when the relative of somebody we don’t like dies, human decency typically keeps us from talking ill of them, whether we actually liked them or not. Now, if we feel like acting like pricks, we might say “Your late mother was a whore”, but that’s going to some wild extremes. But what does Jason do when your mom dies? He crams his entire body up her vagina.

No matter how much of an asshole you are, you’ll never do that.


#4: Jason pranks little kids in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives


What happened:

So for the first (and so far only) time in franchise history, Camp Crystal Lake is fully functional and loaded with little kids by the time Jason gets around to going on a killing spree. While skulking around the joint, he decides to pay a visit to the children’s cabin. He doesn’t seem very interested in murdering the kids, what with having the mental capacity of a nine year-old himself and all… at least until he notices one of them is awake.

So what does Jason do? Get her a glass of water and pat her on the head? No, he walks right up to her bed, bends over and sticks his face into hers. Then he just stares at her. And stares at her. And stares at her. By this point the little girl is freaking the hell out, clasping her hands together and praying to God not to let her die at such a young age. All the while, Jason just keeps on staring.

Eventually, he hears a noise and walks away, but you can tell that beneath that mask, Jason is smiling to himself, thinking “Heh heh heh, I scared that bitch goooood.”

Why?

Yeah, Jason, why!? It’s pretty clear that Jason had no interest in hurting any of the kids; his hands remain by his side during the whole process, not once threatening to harm her. No, he was doing this solely for the satisfaction of messing with her.

How this relates to us:

Have you ever played a prank on a little kid? Usually, the worst you’ll do is hide in the closet and pop out going “Boo!” The kid’ll scream but realize it was you after a second and everything will be okay. What Jason does here is basically the equivalent of you hiring a stranger, covering them in fake blood and then have them wake the kid up in the middle of the night, screaming “Surprise! I just brutally murdered your mommy and your daddy and now I’m gonna kill you too!”

That’s not a prank. That’s the kind of shit that messes a kid up for life.


#3: Jason hates on rap music in Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan


What happened:

So, after spending an excruciating length of time on a boat, nearly getting raped, acquiring free heroin and selfishly stopping a subway train without thinking about how this will affect everybody else’s evening, Rennie and her boyfriend have at last eluded Jason and made it to the densely populated Times Square, where they should be totally safe, right? No, Jason’s pretty much going to kill them wherever they go. He’s a dick like that.

So as Rennie and Sean run for their lives, they pass a bunch of mohawked street urchins, rocking out to bad late 80s rap music on their ghetto blaster (“Livin’ in da city ain’t no big deal! Ya gotta have a heart made uv US steel! If da crack don’t gitcha den da hookaz will!”) While Rennie and Sean show the common courtesy to flee in terror around the cardboard box holding up the stereo, Jason isn’t quite so polite. Rather than simply walk through the boombox that’s in his way like the machine that he is, Jason throws a temper tantrum and kicks it, the pouty frustration in his body language mirroring that of a seven year-old.

This, of course, spurs the punks to retaliate with their knives, only to be frightened off when Jason gives them a little peek at his ugly mug. That might seem like Jason being generous, letting the kids off with emotional scars instead of physical ones, but think about it. That was basically the equivalent of Jason saying “Fuck off, kid, you’re bothering me”. How many people has Jason ever ignored killing because they “weren’t worth his time”? Is there a worse way of being told you suck than Jason ‘I stuffed a girl in a sleeping bag and beat her against a tree’ Voorhees brushing you off as not being worthy of dying by his hand?

There are no words to describe the kind of loser you are if that happens.

Why?

Jason had plenty of reasons to be in a bad mood by this point in the movie. Primarily, though, he had to walk from somewhere off the coast of the United States to the docks near Liberty Island. Yes, I said “walk.” As we all know, Jason cannot swim, so that means he sunk to the bottom of the ocean and walked to shore. That’d leave anybody in a pissy mood.

How this relates to us:

You or I, when we miss the bus to work and have to walk that mile or two (or pay for a cab), we’re not in the best of tempers when we get to our cubicle. We’ll probably tell our neighbor in the box to the left to “Stop typing so loud, you lazy-eyed fuck”, thus ruining their day by reminding them that they’ll never, ever look normal, but making ourselves feel a little bit better.

When Jason has to walk to work, he makes everyone around him feel as inferior as possible by doing the one thing you’d never expect him to do in a million years: not kill you because you suck too much.


#2: Loco’s death from Friday the 13th Part III


What happened:

So in this scene, Jason is about to impale a biker thug named Loco with a 5-pronged pitchfork. However, when Loco is stabbed, he’s shown getting hit with a 4-pronged pitchfork. Obviously, there was a moment in-between cuts which we didn’t get to see.

In all likelihood, Jason approached Loco with the 5-pronged pitchfork, the doomed soul cowering as he poises for the kill. Then, Jason drops the pitchfork, laughs and says “Naw man, Hahaha! We’re cool, we’re cool! Hahaha!”, in what may be the Voorhees equivalent of acting like Flexo from “Futurama.” Then, as soon as Loco breathes a sigh of relief, thinking to himself “Hey, this guy isn’t gonna kill me. He ain’t so bad!” Jason proceeds to pick up a different pitchfork and ram it into the guy’s gut.

Was that really necessary, Jason? You could have just stabbed him with the 5-pronged pitchfork and been done with it. The five gaping wounds likely would have allowed Loco to bleed out faster, thus ending his suffering sooner. But no, you had to go with the 4-pronged fork, thus keeping him alive and suffering for a few seconds more. That’s just cold.

Why?

This scene may have “editing mistake” written all over it, but looking at it from the point of view that this isn’t a movie, (just like all of you do, right guys?) there’s no denying that Jason goes that extra mile to act like a serious douche.

How this relates to us:

The knowledge that you’ll have to carry that burden for the rest of your days is enough to ruin anybody’s day, but instead of going overboard and cursing out the kid at Best Buy for giving you incorrect change, Jason does a “fake-out” with a pitchfork. That’s what separates him from us.


#1: Mark’s death from Friday the 13th Part II


What happened:

In the world of Friday the 13th, girls find guys paralyzed from the waist down and confined to mobile sitting contraptions to be totally hot. As the wheelchair jockey, Mark, rolls onto the porch of the main cabin in search of the girl with the crazy paraplegic fetish, Jason manages to sneak up in front of him (wha?) and bury a machete in the poor gimp’s noggin. Mark, dead, goes rolling backward and down the porch stairs. Now, by all rights, he should be doing death-wheelies in a small parking lot, as that’s where those stairs lead. And yet, somehow, Mark proceeds to go bouncing down the stairs from the freaking Exorcist; the kind of never-ending staircase martial arts instructors force their padawans to run up and down all day long.

So how did that happen? Well, there’s only one explanation. After burying the machete in Mark’s head, Jason saw his butchered corpse go rolling toward the short staircase. “Ten steps? That can’t possibly be enough!” Jason thought to himself. So he decided to catch Mark and wheel him all the way over to a completely different, much larger staircase and let him fly.

I have news for you, Jason: he’s a dead guy in a wheelchair, not a Slinky! I imagine that if there hadn’t been any more teens to massacre, Jason would have spent the rest of the night wheeling Mark back up to the top of the stairs and shoving him back down, cheering in childish glee each time his crippled body goes flying once the chair hits the landing.

Why?

Yeah, I know, another editing room screw up. That sort of says a lot about Director Steve Miner, really. “No no no, those stairs by the porch simply aren’t long enough to sustain the scene! Let’s wheel him over to those stairs at the other end of the set. You ever see those things? They’re practically cripple-poison! This is gonna be hilarious.”

So anyway, what could have possibly pissed Jason off enough to take a dead cripple and hurl him down a flight of stairs at the other end of camp? It’s hard to say, as nothing particularly bad or annoying has happened to Jason up until this point. He kills Alice, the girl who murdered his mother, at the beginning of the film, so that can’t still be bugging him. The only thing that comes to mind is the scene where he gets chased into the woods by an overweight police officer.

Poor Jason was just walking through the woods when some overzealous Chief Wiggum analogue starts chasing after him, demanding identification. He even goes so far as to chase Jason into his own home, searching the premises without a warrant. Of course, Jason buries a hammer claw in the guy’s face, something we’ve all dreamed of doing to a cop but never had to balls to go through with.

The irony in all this is that the cop was trying to keep people away from the Camp Crystal Lake area, which (at least according to his motivations as described in this installment) is exactly what Jason wanted.

How it relates to us:

We all hate it when cops give us a hard time for no reason whatsoever. It’s like when you ask a cop if he has the time, only to have him answer with a “Piss off.” You know you can’t even so much as give him the finger in response, as he’ll arrest you on bullshit charges like “assaulting an officer” or whatever. There’s nothing that’ll fill you with more impotent rage than being bullied by a cop.

Just the memory of a cop giving you a hard time without reason is enough to fuel prickish behavior for weeks on end, but where as you or I might write some whiney comments on our Facebook blog, Jason slaughters a counselor training camp.

You’ve seen what the guy can do. Now see The Many Faces of Jason Voorhees!