The Amazing Spider-Man hits theaters July 3 and that can mean only one thing! Merchandising! Many of the toys that will soon hit shelves have been revealed at Hasbro’s New York Toy Fair 2012 this weekend. I for one love Spider-Man toys. There aren’t too many superheroes you can contort and fool around with more than ol’ Spidey in action figure form. Get out your pocket calculators fellow nerds. It’s time to count up the sweet, sweet points of articulation!


Marvel Spider-Man 3.75 Mission Spider-Man


Because Spider-Man needs to be able to shoot Aunt May’s 5 foot dildo from his arm bazooka. What nephew wouldn’t?!


Marvel Spider-Man 3.75 Mission Web Slinging


Spider-Man zip-line/dildo gun. Seriously that blue thing coming out of the handle can’t be webs right? This will also be my last dildo joke of the article.


Marvel Spider-Man 3.75 Mission Night Missions


Love the bedazzled thigh armor.


Marvel Spider-Man 3.75 Mission Spider Sense SM


Are those spider sneakers?


Marvel Spider-Man 3.75 Mission Web Shooter


Because they couldn’t fit Green Goblin into the film they gave Spider-Man a glider that looks like a…beetle?


Marvel Spider-Man 2in Movie Figure


The always necessary tea bag-action Spider-Man!


Marvel Spider-Man 8in Hero Action Figure


“The head is modeled after a basketball to get the sports demographic!” a psychopathic intern screamed after printing 50,000 copies of a plastic Spider-Man ass.


Marvel Spider-Man 10in Amazing SM Electronic


Check the bloated torso. Spidey needs some Weight Watchers. Sheesh.


Spider-Man Mega Web Shooting


Slinky webs!Probably the best looking mold though.


Marvel Spider-Man Web Battlers Spider Spinning Web Blade


Razor webs of doom! Pretty sure he’s going to make Gwen stare into this thing to get her clothes off.


Marvel Spider-Man 10in Amazing SM Electronic


Because with a spider-sense the first thing Spider-Man needs is a shield.


Marvel Spider-Man Deluxe Vehicle C and B


So the designers took the thin Batmobile from the Batman movie and added hover mode.


Marvel Spider-Man Deluxe Vehicle A


Spider plane? If this isn’t in the movie I’m asking for a refund.


Marvel Spider-Man Deluxe Vehicle D


No.

And if Mommy buys you all of those things the cars and glider turns into some kind of race car…or something.


Marvel Spider-Man Flip & Attack Destructor Rig


Spider-Man transformers. Another Michael Bay wet dream come to life.


Marvel Spider-Man Zoom-n-go Spider Motorcycle


This had to have been created to compete with the BatPod from The Dark Knight.


Marvel Spider-Man RC Speed Climbing


If this can climb an actual wall it’ll be awesome. More than likely it will only hump the floor. “Can he hump? Listen bud. He’s got radioactive pud!”


Marvel Spider-Man Spider Sense Chest Light


If anyone can tell me what the heck this thing is let me know. A belt buckle? A siren? Something they will arrest you for trying to bring onto a plane?


Marvel Spider-Man Mask


Soon to replace Jason masks across the country!


Marvel Spider-Man Web Spinner


Run spider-hampster, RUN!


Marvel Spider-Man Rapid Fire Web Shooter


Pretty sure this is the Spider-Man vacuum we’ve all been waiting for.


Marvel Spider-Man Mega Blaster Web Shooter-w-Glove


I called it folks! As I said in my Amazing Spider-Man trailer recap, the web shooter design was made for the toys, not for the films!

What a year for toys we have. With the Dark Knight Rises being geared for a more adult audience, these Spider-Man toys might be our best bet for goofy toys we’re going to get this year. Oh wait, there’s got to be some insane Avengers gear! Save the drool, Hulk hands, Iron Man dildo shooters and Hawkeye bow and arrows may be in our future! (Okay, three dildo jokes. Sorry, you’ve got to write about what ya know, right?)