1. Be Yourself and You’ll Inevitably Find Your Soulmate



“You sure you don’t want to hear anymore about my Pog collection, dollface? Actually, I could just show you; ma dukes won’t be home for another two hours.”

You’ve heard this age-old aphorism from every Frank, Dick, and Sally under the sun:

“Be yourself and the right one will come along when you least expect it, just you wait.” (Usually followed by a conciliatory pat on the head, the word “champ,” and a grin belying intense pity.)

And it’s not just your friends, family, Billy Shakespeare, or AA counselor spewing this ostensible truth nugget; according to this LiveScience.com article, a study showed that “those who reported being more true to themselves also reported more positive dating relationships.”

“If you’re true to yourself, it is easier to act in ways that build intimacy in relationships, and that’s going to make your relationship more fulfilling,” said study author Amy Brunell, professor of psychology at Ohio State University’s Newark campus.

I know what you’re thinking: “Awesome, man. So those countless hours I squandered plucking my unibrow, bleaching my taint hairs and ‘washing myself real good like,’ were for all for naught and all I really had to do was be myself for women to start flocking like freshwater Chinook from the River Rangitata? Well, why the hell didn’t I just go with my gut sooner?”

Hold on a minute, hoss. First, we’re not telling you to regress into some immobile, slovenly Hutt who watches nothing but reruns of Gilmore Girls all day in tighty whities playing the “let me swipe my taint cranny with ring and pointer finger and hold them up to my nose real quick,” game. That’s not what attracted women to you in the first place. And it sure as hell isn’t going to keep one around that you did have the blind luck of securing.

Second: The article goes on to say, “Typically in dating and marital relationships, the women tend to be ‘in charge’ of intimacy in the relationship,” and “Men who were more true to themselves had partners who showed more healthy relationship behaviors. However, the reverse was not true: there was no significant relationship between women being true to themselves and men’s relationship behaviors.”

So basically, tl;dr, you can’t just do whatever you want. You have to somewhat alter or adapt in your actions to keep your woman happy. I’m not saying you need to shun your friends or create some alternate persona like Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson from Wedding Crashers, but if you haven’t had a second date in ten years or had so many drinks spilled in your face that you have become a certified mixologist, don’t blame it on the “dumb bitches that don’t know what they’re missing.” It’s your own fault and it might be time to reassess your approach in dealing with women.

Remember that one stubborn brat back in kindergarten that tried to jam the square peg into the cylindrical hole long after he realized it just wasn’t going to work? Sure, the teacher probably gave him a gold star for his persistence. But all Ms. Crabmuff was doing was encouraging an asshole. There comes a time in life when one has to decide whether they’re being perseverant in the face of adversity… or simply being a dumb asshole. Don’t be the dumb asshole.


2. You Have to be an Asshole


I can already hear the backlash:

“But AiPT, I massaged my girlfriend’s feet every night with heated basalt stones and various scented oils and she still fucked that guy with the two day soulpatch and slightly askew baseball hat in the rap concert Port-A-Potty. Damn you and your fabrications. Damn you to hell!”

Or:

“One fine evening I was having affable discourse with an elegant dame at the bar. She tickled my gentleman fancy for the longest time and our chemistry was higher than a cirrostratus cloud when a bedraggled young urchin dragged his way from the side room, claiming he was a ‘backup drummer from the band.’ He swept in like a carrion bird, said he wanted to ‘hit her and quit her,’ and then walked out with her attached to his pelvic bone, she undulating every few seconds like a strange succubus near his man parts. Debaucherous hussy!”

Alright, just calm down. Although it’s easier to convince yourself that all those dickheads have some magical instrument with which they entrance women into their tiger-striped bedsheets like some terrible parody of the old German myth, veritable “Poon Pipers,” that’s just not the case.

No, not exactly. But there are reasons why the pervasive phrase, “Women love bad boys,” seems as undisputed as “Don’t shit where you eat.”

  1. They’re genetically attracted to some of the strong male qualities that these jerks initially exude, such as self-confidence and assertiveness.
  2. They think that he can be fixed, or that he has a sense of mystery and intrigue.

But in excess, a woman will grow tired of asshole behavior when they find out the guy is overly selfish or too controlling. So what qualities can you derive from an asshole and sublimate for your own personal gain? The approach. The jerk has no fear in approaching a woman and starting a conversation. And keeping the conversation going with aplomb or leaving/shaking it off when the conversation goes awry and moving on to the next woman.

If you’re one of those guys that just sits quietly in the corner waiting to be approached by women, you’re going to be waiting a long fucking time. Same applies if you get so butthurt at the thought of rejection that you’d rather not try at all. An age old adage in baseball? “You have to swing to hit.” Sometimes you miss, but if you don’t swing at all… well, you get the point.


3. You Have to Ingratiate Yourself to a Woman to Show Her How Much You’re Into Her


And now the other end of the spectrum; guys who think that you need to tell a woman how beautiful she is every five seconds or how you’d lay aorta-first on a cactus patch so she could use your tremulous, naked body as a makeshift bridge without a moment’s hesitation to let her know how much you like her.


“All those hard years of training my lats have finally paid off. Let me know if one of your supple fanny cheeks is getting sore so I can arch my lumbar at a slightly different angle, sweetykins.”

Newsflash: The second a woman sees you approach her in the bar, she has a pretty good idea that you’re probably into her. They have the advantage in this department. Guys usually have to make the approach, that’s the way society is.

But for fuck’s sake, get a hold of yourself man. Even if she’s the most beautiful little minx you’ve ever laid eyes upon, even if you become a slavering buffoon in her presence, try to act like you have some semblance of suaveness and self-control; they don’t want an ingratiating invertebrate. Excessive flattery or niceness just comes across as insincere.

What she’s thinking: “If this dude’s laying it on this thick within five minutes of meeting me, who says he’s not doing that to every bipedal primate with a fibromuscular tubular tract sex organ within a twenty mile radius.”


4. That You Need Some Illogical Scheme or Outlandish Costume to Garner a Woman’s Attention



“I noticed you blink erratically from across the room with my convenient pair of binoculars here, which I shall henceforth refer to as bar-noculars and took it as a strong indicator for my approach ::Pause for nervous laughter or mouth going agape with fear:: That look on your face tells me we should go someplace more quiet? Maybe the Dr. Seuss novelty store where I purchased this fine hat?”

As the world’s population surges, so too does the desire to differentiate oneself from the masses; to stand out in the crowd; to be deemed a unique little snowflake.

In the dating world, this means approaching a woman in a way that doesn’t leave you a sobbing, love spurned homunculus who was convinced his, “Damn girl, I’d love to sniff that ass” opener wouldn’t get you arrested or regretting that you thought you could pull off “Girl, I got to tell you, that suit looks like a piece of ‘Good God’ wrapped up in some ‘Have Mercy,’ with a side of ‘Unghm!'” with the aplomb of a twenty two year old Will Smith.

Naturally, that means it’s time to dust off your old feather boas, froufrous, Seussian hats, Clockwork Orange monocles, and carefully apply daubs of guyliner or be mired in obscurity like so many others who haven’t read The Game, right?

Now, this isn’t where I shit on Mystery, Red Rooster, Muffin Tits, or whatever retarded codenames the “love gurus” have on rotation these days. Despite using methods which some could consider pseudo-psychological manipulation or sorcery or nerds finally growing a pair of nuts and thinking it’s the most profound discovery since the Mortal Kombat cheat code for the Sega Genesis, their books actually boast some useful tenets, such as: exuding self-confidence and self-esteem; engaging women in friendly banter; and not shitting yourself at the prospect of social interaction.

Now this is where I shit on Mystery, Red Rooster, and Muffin Tits: What they fail to mention is that although the self-professed “love gurus” may be scoring women’s numbers, they are also proportionally asking out and interacting with roughly ten times the amount of women you are. Also, most of the women they pick up are college-aged girls, who are notoriously horny, experimental, and looking to bed someone that would make their father tear his few remaining tufts of hair out; a guy wearing binoculars and one of the discarded, charred husks of a dead Ewok from Return of the Jedi as a hat definitely fits that bill. Also, they use self aggrandizing self-referential terms like “Venusian Artist,” and “love gurus.”

But despite women lying through their teeth to convince you of the contrary, looks do matter to them. You have to pass a physical attraction test or all the smooth talking in the world will amount to jack shit. The good news? Looks are less important to them. So although you don’t need to be a male underwear model, you do have to trick them into thinking you’re somewhat presentable. So how do you do this?

Unless you are a famous entertainer or have entered a strange time-space warp where you have singlehandedly influenced the ‘”grunge look,” then you should look like:

  1. You have access to a shower.
  2. You know the fine pleasure of owning a comb or a few dollops of hair gel.
  3. You have brushed your teeth without mom telling you to.
  4. You know how to find/wear clothes that fucking fit.
  5. Unless you are a pig farmer, you wear shoes not slathered in pig shit, or fecal matter of any kind.
  6. If these don’t work, you could always go back to the drawing board and try preening a little better.

5. You Have to Brag About Yourself to Impress Her


Listen to the following very carefully: She doesn’t fucking care. So cut the shit. Right now.

Ask any woman what her biggest turn-offs are and “incessant bragging,” is right at the top of the list, hovering near “savagely murdering her loved ones,” and “baby punching.”

She doesn’t care that your fantasy football team, “Breaston Plants,” just took the championship in a hard fought battle with “Back That Asomugha Up,” or that your new (rental) Lambo goes from 0-60 in less time than it takes you to spurt your curd, or that you have a third nipple which resembles Abraham Lincoln’s side silhouette or that you just experienced an “immaculate wipe,” right before dinner.

Why? Because unless she’s after your wallet she just doesn’t care. The more you brag, the more she’ll be thinking, “Is he really this much of a materialistic douche?” and “I didn’t think it was possible for a human being to be more into themselves than me. But this asshole takes the cake.”

If a woman is interested, she’ll want to know everything about you. Only, you already spilled your guts and broke out the baby pictures in the first few minutes like some braggadocios dunce. Good one.

One more thing. The amount of times you brag about how big your dick is is inversely proportional to its actual dimensions. Refer to this handy chart:

Conversely, don’t talk about how your ex-girlfriend is a conniving whore who deserves to be dragged vulva-first over a bed of broken glass or that she broke your heart or that you once smashed her windshield in with her favorite dildo just to show her “who the real dick was.” In fact, it’s probably better if you just…


6. Let Her Do All the Talking


Take a look at this scene from 40 Year Old Virgin:


“Do you like to do it yourself?”

Deliberately oversimplified and contrived? Sure. But still nails it.

Women love men who listen. But wait; you’re a guy who has trouble keeping the conversation flowing or experiencing that dreaded “awkward silence,” thing aren’t you? Whatever can you do? Simple. Let her do all the talking.

And what’s the easiest way to keep the conversation flowing? Ask her questions. “What’s your name?” “What do you do for work?” ” “How many licks does it take ’till you get to the center of the oh, oh?” Try asking her open-ended questions that she can’t answer with a simple “yes,” or “no” and watch the conversation flourish.