It’s a magical feeling when you find something that no one has ever noticed before. Sometimes your lucky strike will be something simple, yet amusing — like, maybe, you just discovered that everyone brushes the left side of their teeth first in the morning or that people always look vaguely upset before they murder someone in cold blood.
I always wondered why he made those silly expressions.
Better still is when you find a use for something that has never been explored by anyone else. One day, with the insane amounts of free time that I used to have, I discovered that there exists a sort of super theme song; a theme song that rules over all other theme songs, if you will. This theme song can be used for anything. This is what composers spend their entire lives struggling to create. And the best part?
It’s the fucking Jurassic Park theme.
Yes, somehow that magnificent bastard John Williams stumbled upon the ultimate score to absolutely everything. It is the most perfect song that had ever been created by human hands — and more specifically: old man hands.
Oh, to know thine sweet, sweet caress old man hands.
Strangely, John Williams only used this song for one film; a film that happened to be about dinosaurs. When I realized the song’s versatility, I wondered how this could possibly be. I mean, if he wrote it, then surely he would have understood that he no longer needed to compose another song ever again. After a few days of thinking about this, it finally hit me: he didn’t create it. He must have found it somewhere.
When he discovered it, it must have taken him decades to unlock even some of its secrets. Unfortunately, even after all those years, he apparently never understood its true power. The strengths of this theme song only would be discovered long after it had been abandoned by Mr. Williams — discovered by me, that is.
How do I know that this song is the most mind-bending-ly fantastic score of all time? I’ve gone ahead and actually created five examples of how it works flawlessly with any trailer that I could think of. Don’t just take my word for it; go ahead and test it out yourself. No really, pull up any YouTube trailer, mute it, and then go ahead and play the theme simultaneously with it. It will work every goddamn time or- well, I’ll give you a foot massage or something.
In any case, here are some examples of why the Jurassic Park theme isn’t just for dinosaurs:
#1. The Dark Knight Rises
Granted, Michael Kane is most likely some sort of dinosaur.
This is a great example of how the Jurassic Park theme can really mellow a trailer out. Christian Bale almost seems kind of –dare I say– relaxed. The tonal change seems, not only appropriate, but needed. The trailer flows pretty well and, hey, even Bane seems a little bit less ridiculous.
Seriously now, what more could you ask for?
#2. Titanic 3D
Just in case you were wondering: no, I absolutely did not edit that trailer. The Jurassic Park magic just seems to stick especially well with this one. I suppose it’s rather ironic that the Jurassic Park theme breaths more new life into this film than the “3D” gimmick ever could.
But hell, why create new content when you can just reuse the shit that you already made ten years ago? I hear in the business world they call that technique “The Money Printer” — Or maybe it was the “Lazy-Attempt-At-Gathering-More-Money-From-A-Variety-Of-Easily-Entertained-Idiots”. Honestly, after all those Amway meetings, I just can’t remember anymore.
Yeah, yeah: everyone who isn’t a newly-pubescent girl or a mother who is desperate for barely-legal boy flesh understands that watching these films is worse than licking the business end of an active chainsaw while lovingly caressing a lumberjack’s unshaven testicle pelt. We all get it.
But what happens when you throw a little JP theme into that estrogen-laden mess? If the original director had correctly added the theme to Twilight’s score, then I imagine we would see quotes like this on Rotten Tomatoes:
“I was joyously surprised by this film’s bold and, quite honestly, rad as fucking balls decision to replace an ordinary score with the John Williams theme of Jurassic Park. I would have given this movie two thumbs up if the sheer magic emanating from the theater’s speakers hadn’t permanently forced both of my thumbs deep into the recesses of my colon.” -Roger Ebert
“This incredibly emotional romp through our collective psyche impresses and swoons the audience at every turn. Somewhere around five minutes into the film, I closed my eyes and stopped watching whatever the “actors” where trying to pathetically perform and turned my gaze inwards to the majestic score that was radiating throughout the theater — that’s when I understood the truth about the Director’s intent: this film is the music. The flailings of the ridiculous human puppets on screen are nothing more than a metaphor for human suffering. Truly first-rate entertainment from the mind of a genius.” -Richard Roeper
“I usually like to make controversial claims that bad movies are good and that good movies are bad but, unfortunately, a horrifying wraith, who calls himself an “Anasazi warrior”, has threatened to send me to a horrible end if I’m not completely truthful about my feelings on this film. It’s- well, I’m surprised how hard telling the truth can be. Wow. Well, um, the movie is pretty damn good, I suppose.” -Armond White
#4. The Avengers
Why have just one or two comic book characters if you could instead have fucking all of them? This very important question is being posed to every person on earth this year. More importantly, the Jurassic Park theme completely rocks this trailer.
Quite a bit of money could have been saved during production if they would have just filmed Robert Downey Jr. tap dancing to this theme while jets flew around overhead. Shit, I would definitely go to see that movie.
#5. The Amazing Spider-Man in “Holy Shit, Is This Kind of Plagiarism Even Legal?”
A studio that runs out of ideas should stop making films until, y’know, they have another goddamn idea; this simple concept must have completely escaped Columbia Pictures when they green-lighted this film. Unless you happen to have cultural Asperger’s syndrome, you probably realize that this movie has already been fucking made. In fact, it has already been fucking made three times. Columbia Pictures just assumes that all Spider-Man fans have extreme memory loss.
On the flip side, with the Jurassic Park theme added in, this movie is almost original. Almost.