Every now and again there comes a new apocalypse that is threatening to destroy the world as we know it. Fortunately for us and our way of life, the technology required to let us know how sweet our inevitable death will probably be has been created in time for the latest and greatest apocalyptic jamboree, 2012. If you’re anything like me, I’m sure you might want to do slightly more than that. Sure, dying in this apocalypse is slightly cooler than dying in the one that happened twelve years ago, but why sell yourself short? Why not set the bar a little bit higher? Now, bear with me here, what if—and I know this sounds crazy—we actually try to survive it? Don’t get me wrong, rebuilding Earth after this disaster won’t be an easy task; I can still remember my grandfather telling me how, back in the apocalypse during his day, he had to fuck many, many different women to ensure humanity’s continued existence.
The worst part: some of them weren’t even supermodels.
No, it won’t be easy, but dammit, we’ve still got to give it a try. If you can’t do it for yourself, just think of all the African children starving in the desert right now and ask yourself this: “who’s going to harvest the marrow from their dry, dried-out bones and drink it if I’m not around?” I know it’s painful to consider, but go ahead and think about that for a second; just stop yourself from being a self-centered, entitled little prick for one moment and seriously consider who’s going to eat all of that wasted marrow if you’re dead. Don’t you think that those children deserve an American to feast on their supple, sweet bone marrow and not just some random hyena or starving African drug lord? I know that I do.
Now that you’ve (hopefully) worked up the motivation to take one for the team and survive 2012, let’s get down to the business of figuring out how we’ll outsmart that grumpy old bastard Death.
1. Books: Don’t Read ‘Em
This one pretty much goes without saying but, for the uneducated people who don’t know about uneducation, reading books is the first step on the road to losing your morale in the fight for survival. Though they may tempt you with their false promises of knowledge based around “factual information”, the truth is that books only impart doubt and sustained arrogance in the people who read their filthy, knowledge-encrusted pages. The only book I’ve ever sort of read was called Fahrenheit 451 (because that’s the temperature that the Sun’s coal burns at) and I’m pretty sure that that book was all about the dangers of reading. Hell, the protagonist was a robot from the future who burned books for a living. So the question is, if books are so great, why would one of the most famous ones ever written be about burning them all for fun?
Incidentally, that book also taught me what a fireman is.
Books are good at only two things: making people think that they’re smarter than they are and helping a bookshelf look better than it would with only Warhammer 40K figurines decorating the shelves. Other than those two things, books are nothing but a waste of whatever they make them out of. What do they make them out of anyway? Book-making rocks? In any case, I think we can all agree that books are definitely not an option for any would-be survivor of 2012.
2. Wear Authentic Mayan Garb
Another important step on the long path to apocalypse survival is appeasing the great Mayan gods who apparently want to kill us all now that their arbitrary “kill all the humans” iPhone alarm is about to go off.
“Yes, Lord Ah Chuy Kak, we have an app for that one too!”
How does one appease Mayan gods? Honestly, I really don’t know but I think it’s safe to assume that wearing Mayan clothes and jewelry is a pretty good start; the Mayans had to wear that shit for a reason, right?
Armed with a Google search and a warm feeling in my heart, I went ahead and found a good example of what we should all be wearing this year. Brace yourself:
If this survival guide really takes off, pet shops that sell green snakes, traditional Indian clothing stores, and Native American clay-pot making old ladies are going to get stupidly rich overnight. The fact that the Mayan gods wanted their servants to wear these outfits is a pretty good example of why we need to take them seriously: they’re fucking sadistic assholes. But hey, at least they have a sense of humor, I guess.
All of this seems like an ingenious plan to keep normal people in our day and age from surviving the “Mayan Massacre” (I’m in the process of trademarking that so that the post-apocalyptic “Daily Mail” won’t be able use it) that’s about to ensue. The odds of anyone accidentally wearing that exact combination of clothing on “Doomsday 2012” (Also being trademarked) is about equal to the chances of Helena Bonham Carter and Johnny Depp not being cast in the next Tim Burton movie, or his next movie changing it’s characteristic black on black with more black art direction: in other words, it’s not gonna fuckin’ happen, folks.
3. Sacrifice, Sacrifice, and More Sacrifice
Yeah, you remember when I told you that I don’t really know 100% how to appease the Mayan gods? Well, you see, I lied about that. Yep, I was just kidding. The truth is that they are absolutely in love with sacrifices—and I don’t mean the kind where you give something up for Lent, or whatever. The kind I mean involves a lot more liquids and rolling body parts; like the first time you had sex but even more awkward for you.
And even more entertaining for everyone who’s not you.
As tempting as it might seem to just throw your hat (or head) in with the sacrificial shenanigans that surviving 2012 will absolutely require, I’ve got to remind you that our goal here is to survive it, so we’ll have to find a second option that doesn’t involve not-surviving. The best way to fulfill the Mayan gods’ hunger for X rated content is to pick out other people to sacrifice. I know what you’re probably thinking, “I’ll just pick people I hate to kill in hilariously grisly ways for gods that probably don’t even exist!” Unfortunately, there’s a problem with that reasoning: a proper human sacrifice involves sacrificing people you actually like. Think about it this way, if the Mayan gods wanted us to kill people we don’t like then, with all the nice wars we’ve had lately, we’d already be set for 2012.
No, the gods want something that is so ridiculously cruel that only a deity would sanction it. So who should you sacrifice*? I’d go with your grandparents**. In all likelihood they’ve already finished creating more people and since they smell funny, you probably won’t want to share your post-apocalyptic cave with them.
*Neither Adventures in Poor Taste nor Apollyon condone killing people in ritualistic fashion.
**Neither Adventures in Poor Taste nor Apollyon condone killing your grandparents in ritualistic fashion. Our hands are clean, bitches!
4. Avoid People who Look Like They Might Know Things
If there is one thing I want you to take away from this article it’s this: people who look intelligent are a roadblock for your survival. You should do whatever it takes to avoid these people until the apocalypse is over. No matter what these “smart” people do—whether they point at your Mayan clothes and laugh or try to tell you science-y things—you absolutely must not listen to them; they’re only trying to keep you from surviving the Mayan gods’ wrath.
How can you tell whether someone is going to try to break your morale? Here’s a helpful checklist of characteristics that will let you know when to leave a subject’s area.
- Is this person wearing reading glasses?
- Does this person have a white lab-coat on/in their possession?
- Is the person in question enrolled in any kind of science class?
- Of all the things that this person talks about, do any of them involve big words that you do not understand?
- Teachers and any other sort of person who carries books are to be left alone.
If you have answered affirmatively to any of these, vacate the area immediately.
And if you see Bill Nye, run away as quickly as you can
5. Donate to The Cause
This one is probably the most important step to surviving the upcoming destruction of society. You know all the people who are currently not donating to me? Guess what’s going to happen to those guys? That’s right: they’ll all be dead soon. They’ll all be dead because the Mayan gods don’t like stingy motherfuckers. I know this because I, very recently, had the Mayan pantheon appear to me and they have, conveniently enough, appointed me as official “High Mayan Priest of 2012 Survival Guides”.
It was just like Joseph Smith, only with more golden loincloths.
I can’t really tell you how much to donate but suffice it to say that if you’re still able to pay for rent each month, it wasn’t enough. No, the Mayan gods don’t like letting people survive who are either stingy or skeptical. Remember, “he who hath not placethed money into the Mayan coffer shall not survive a possibly non-existent apocalypse.” I’m pretty sure that’s what they told me, anyway.
In any case, you can donate for your survival by requesting the Holy Mayan Paypal information here.