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3 Second Movie Reviews

3 Second Movie Review: 4/26/12

Deep breath people, we’re about to hit the doldrums of DVD and Blu-Ray releases. This is largely because the Oscar bait films have all been released the last few weeks and the Summer releases have long hit store shelves. After Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Shame hit last week I don’t see a good movie release aside from The Grey on May 15. Coincidence that the films on disc dry up just as the Summer extravaganza The Avengers releases in two weeks? I think not.

In Theaters Now

The Cabin in the Woods, (April 2012)

Genre: Mystery, Suspense, Horror

Zombies are always the life of the party, unfortunately they eat all your snacks…I mean friends.

This is a movie that’s built on playing with your expectations first and foremost. I’d say this is similar to Unusual Suspects where there are layers to decipher and once discovered you’ll probably not watch it again. I found the movie hilarious and fun, but walking out of the theater a lot of folks thought it was stupid. Probably because they were expecting a cliched horror flick. It’s a bit of a puzzle for the imagination. If you’ve seen the movie check out the board: Spoiler! Check out our full review of the movie here.

Grade: B+

Recently Released on Disc

Tower Heist, (November 2011)

Genre: Drama, Comedy

The bottom of a pool on the top of the tower. Cool.

This movie grows on you. The first 10 or so minutes lay down enough dumb jokes to make you take it for what it is, fun fluff. Eddie Murphy is excellent. The plot twists so many times you can’t help but get sucked in.

Grade: B+

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, (December 2011)

Genre: Action & Adventure, Mystery, Suspense

Tom Cruise recreating the film Tower Heist with interpretive dance.

Three memorable gadgets, one very intense skyscraper scene, and an okay plot. I’d call that a win even if it’s the third best of the 4.Much like James Bond’s martini and fast car, this film has some fun repeating themes like red/blue gadgets and climbing. It’s a surprisingly fast movie, but it never hits those big Summer movie moments. Probably why it was released in December.

Grade: B+

Nude Nuns With Big Guns, (February 2012)

Genre: Action, Exploitative

Instead of being cool, or so bad it’s good, it’s just trash.

This isn’t a cool trashy flick like Grindhouse or most anything done by Robert Rodriguez. If you’re looking for bare breasts and a lesbian nun you’ve come to the right place. Nothing is done with style and the characters are hollow. Every cool effect is just a rehash from another film making it a knock off. Considering how many bare breasts there are in this film I’d wager it was written by a 13 year old.

Grade: F

J. Edgar, (November 2011)

Genre: Drama

In a deleted scene Leo does his J. Edgar impression doing a monkey impression. Very un-J. Edgar if you ask me.

It aint bad doll. Take a peek at it and expect a nice gloss of events, and a slightly deeper look at the man. The script is weak, especially the opening. I suggest Clint get glasses.

Grade: B

The Sitter, (December 2012)

Genre: Comedy

Fact. Movies with a poster showing the characters through a woman’s legs are 100% bad.

This movie is as half baked as they get. I get the impression the producers knew the script sucked, but assumed Jonah Hill would figure it out on set. Nope. He does okay, but the film cheats on character development and the kids are incredibly annoying. When the comic relief is a 6 year old girl and all you want is for someone to break her nose you have a problem.

Grade: D-

Sleeping Beauty, (December 2011)

Genre: Drama, Art House

This would be sexy…if the movie wasn’t so damn weird.

A film that delves into the life of a prostitute who is hired to take part in a strange sex business where old man cannot have vaginal sex with her, but do whatever else they like. All while she is drugged and “sleeping” in bed. This film is soft in so many ways. Think of it as a diorama that allows the viewer to experience a strange environment with the protagonist and discover how and the characters react. An experiment if you will that is viscerally felt.

Grade: B

Oldy, But Goody?

One Crazy Summer, (August 1986)

Genre: Comedy

“Don’t laugh but…in 2012 I’m going to make an Edgar Allen Poe movie nobody will go see.” time traveller John Cusack said to Demi Moore.

If you grew up on Cape Cod this film has a special place for you. If not, heck it’s classic 80’s comedy. There’s lots of the same actors, like Bobcat Goldthwait and John Cusack, and the humor is all about bullies and visual gags. It still holds up albeit a very much for silly giggles rather than laughs.

Grade: B

World on a Wire, (1973)

Genre: Drama, Science Fiction

NEWS FLASH: This is not the Matrix. Nothing to see here.

This is a 3 hour German TV show that was recently released on DVD about a computer scientist who works on a program that is an exact copy of reality. It’s a mind bender, and while the cinematography can’t hold off boredom, the general concepts are fascinating. This is yet another work that makes the Matrix look not so original.

Grade: C


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