Pokémon is one of the most popular and lucrative video-game franchises of all time. Second only to some dude named Mario, in fact. So it should come as no surprise that fans want to express their adoration for Nintendo and Gamefreak’s pocket-monster accumulating RPGs through the beauty of self-made art. Some go on to grace the pages of official Pokemon websites. Others gain well-deserved adulation from the legions of Poke-fanatics. And then… there are these bizarre renderings: (And no, we won’t even touch any of the stuff from the myriad Rule 34 Pokemon galleries chock full of anthropomorphic Pokemon genitals, disgraceful acts of bestiality and improbable sex scenarios because my mother might one day read this article out of pity. And because we only want to make you vomit, not irreversibly ruin your childhood.) Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily think the following artwork is poorly done; on the contrary, I enjoyed many of them. However, some are just unnerving as all get out and if that was the artist’s intent, then much like a good horror movie director — they are to be commended. But still… what the hell? Training Machoke 3 by DragonFeeder As the number three in the title of this outlandish piece denotes, this is the third installment in a series of fat-assed Machoke drawings, where the titular “Training Machoke” becomes progressively more and more obese. (If you’re feeling bold, check out the rest of the artist’s gallery.) So many questions spring to mind at even the most cursory glance of this aberration that we might as well get the most obvious out of the way: Why is this called “Training Machoke” when it is obvious that lard-ass has been doing anything but? (Unless there’s some annual Cinnabar Island hot dog eating contest I’m not privy to.) Why are Machunk’s muscly arms the exact same dimensions as before its massive weight gain when they would surely be covered in a corresponding layer of adipose tissue? What manner of Poké Ball would be needed to catch this corpulent asshole? And would even a Master Ball have any effect? Why are fat-assed Machoke’s eyes so virile… yet at the same time, tender? And why can’t I stop staring into their very cores? Gardenia Loves Grass Types by haikuninja Well, at least Ivysaur is almost as bamboozled as we are. What’s the over/under on how many times vaunted artist haikuninja “tended to her own garden” in the process of devising this lascivious scene? A baker’s dozen? Enough to develop carpal tunnel syndrome and need a new set of Pokemon bed sheets? Lickitung Reimagined by SoupandButter (Gavin Mackey) Lickitung has always creeped me the hell out, due primarily to the enormous prehensile tongue twice its body length, which the Pokemon Silver PokeDex describes as being “slathered with a thick gooey saliva,” that “sticks to anything, so it’s very useful.” So when Gavin Mackey made these frighteningly realistic Pokemon portrayals, naturally Lickitung’s stood out: it’s not Lickitung’s meticulously crafted tongue unraveling like an enormous segmented worm that most perturbs me; nor is it the slaverous drool or the stink lines rising from the blunt end like a foul miasma. What scars my very soul is the Joel Schumacher syndrome present therein: AKA, “Let’s add nipples to something that should never, ever have them — even an aberrant, fictitious pink chameleon thing.” Chikorita Man It’s a good thing this bipedal Chikorita is wearing that generous loincloth and holding it down with a pronated wrist so we don’t catch a glimpse of any herbaceous genitals. As if that would make the depiction of this hominoid grass-starter any damn stranger. Now we just have to wonder what’s lurking beneath that single scrap of cloth — like the filthy, filthy deviants we are. Houndoom’s Present ‘Atta boy, Houndoom. Just leave it there on the doorstep. Master is pleased. Dugtrio: What Lurks Beneath An archetype of baffling Pokemon art, this one’s been around for some time and still remains as inscrutable and hilarious as it did at its inception. All that tunneling around underground at 60 MPH sure built Dugtrio a dreamboat physique, didn’t it ladies? (And fellas, as the not so subtle rainbow skyline implies.) Vaporeon Reimagined by SoupandButter (Gavin Mackey) Mother, forgive me. I love Vaporeon in game. It’s one of my favorite water types and it’s cute as a goddamned button. But this realistic Vaporeon with its creepy, glinting, membranous jellyfish-skin is something I would love to bludgeon to death with an oar or nearby blunt object and then pretend it was an accident were I to catch a glimpse of it plodding across the coastline as pictured here. And immediately following the depraved act I’d exclaim, “And what da hell is that smellll?” in the voice of Captain Steven Hiller (WIll Smith) from Independence Day. Magmar and Mr. Mime’s Fecal Fun Time It’s almost impressive how adding a simple proboscis to Mr. Mine makes him go from peppy little clown-thing to some uncanny valley level grotesquerie. Also, if there’s one thing I’ve never been more sure about in my life it’s that the image of Magmar hoisting up its own rose colored shit (surrounded by a celestial aura, no less) in mid-pitching stride like some igneous, simian parody of a Major League Baseball hurler is among the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life. Did I miss any? Have any uncomfortable Pokemon fan art of your own that you want to share? Leave a comment or e-mail me. Misanthrope Lickitung is licking a pane of glass. Those are saliva trails not stink lines. http://twitter.com/RussellEWhiting Russ Whiting Even though you harbor disdain for humankind, you’ve got a good eye friend. I thank you.