Pokémon is one of the most popular and lucrative video-game franchises of all time. Second only to some dude named Mario, in fact.
So it should come as no surprise that fans want to express their adoration for Nintendo and Gamefreak’s pocket-monster accumulating RPGs through the beauty of self-made art.
Some go on to grace the pages of official Pokemon websites. Others gain well-deserved adulation from the legions of Poke-fanatics. And then… there are these bizarre renderings: (And no, we won’t even touch any of the stuff from the myriad Rule 34 Pokemon galleries chock full of anthropomorphic Pokemon genitals, disgraceful acts of bestiality and improbable sex scenarios because my mother might one day read this article out of pity. And because we only want to make you vomit, not irreversibly ruin your childhood.)
Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily think the following artwork is poorly done; on the contrary, I enjoyed many of them. However, some are just unnerving as all get out and if that was the artist’s intent, then much like a good horror movie director — they are to be commended. But still… what the hell?
Training Machoke 3
Yes, this is the third installment of inexplicably fat-assed Machoke drawings where “Training Machoke” becomes progressively more and more obese.
Let’s get the obvious question out of the way first.
Second most obvious?
The f--k would you do this?
Three: What do you consider training exactly, Mr. Dragonfeeding?
Gardenia Loves Grass Types
Well, at least Ivysaur is as confused as we are about it.
What’s the over/under on how many times vaunted artist haikuninja “tended to her own garden” in the process of devising this lascivious scene?
by SoupandButter (Gavin Mackey)
Lickitung would be an annoying Pokemon to own. Think about how much you don’t like your dog licking you after you just watched him lick his own privates. Now imagine getting licked by one that, according to Lickitung’s PokeDex entry is, “twice as long as its own body,” and “slathered with a thick gooey saliva that sticks to anything, so it’s very useful.”
That’s why when Gavin Mackey made these frighteningly realistic Pokemon portrayals, naturally Lickitung’s stood out: it’s not Lickitung’s enormous tongue unraveling like an enormous segmented worm that most unnerves me; or the nasty looking spittle or the stink-lines coming out of the end of the tongue. It’s the fact he’s got even nipples to make Joel Schumacher blush.
It’s a good thing this bipedal Chikorita is wearing that generous loincloth and holding it down with a pronated wrist so we don’t catch a glimpse of any herbaceous genitals. As if that would make the depiction of this hominoid grass-starter any damn stranger.
Now we just have to wonder what’s lurking beneath that single scrap of cloth — like the filthy, filthy deviants we are.
‘Atta boy, Houndoom. Just leave it there on the doorstep. Master is pleased.
Dugtrio: What Lurks Beneath
An archetype of baffling Pokemon art, this one’s been around for some time and still remains as inscrutable and hilarious as it did at its inception.
All that tunneling around underground at 60 MPH sure built Dugtrio a dreamboat physique, didn’t it ladies? (And fellas, as the not so subtle rainbow skyline implies.)
by SoupandButter (Gavin Mackey)
Mother, forgive me.
Vaporeon’s one my favorite Pokemon. He evolves from Eevee and has a fun design. This realistic Vaporeon with its creepy, glinting, membranous jellyfish-skin on the other hand? Something you’d imagine getting bludgeoned to death by a bunch of teenagers with boat oars in a SyFy-channel movie.
Where immediately after one of them tries and fails to imitate Will Smith’s iconic “And what da hell is that smellll?” as Captain Steven Hiller in Independence Day.
Jasmine’s Magnemite Loveseat
This one seems innocuous enough until you consider Magnemite’s design scheme.
Screw whoever made this image of my sweet, innocent Jasmine. No, not that kind of “screw.”
Magmar and Mr. Mime’s Fecal Fun Time
It’s almost impressive how adding a simple proboscis to Mr. Mine makes him go from peppy little clown-thing to some uncanny valley level grotesquerie.
Also, if there’s one thing I’ve never been more sure about in my life it’s that the image of Magmar hoisting up its own rose colored s--t (surrounded by a celestial aura, no less) in mid-pitching stride like some igneous, simian parody of a Major League Baseball hurler is among the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen in my life.
Did I miss any? Have any uncomfortable Pokemon fan art of your own that you want to share? Leave a comment or e-mail me.
Need some eye bleach after baring witness to these Poke-strosities? Watch all 36 of the Pokemon – Adventures on the Orange Islands Box Set animated series collection, where Ash and friends decide to battle in the Orange League Tournament.