One benefit to the now annual superhero movie is the restocking of superhero toys. Generally they aren’t made for the collector and this is mostly due to the kids who think four points of articulation is “totally rad!” (that’s still how kids talk, right? It’s still the 1980s, right?) FOOLS. That said, it’s still pretty sweet to see our favorite heroes in newly crafted plastic form.

Marvel News recently revealed some toys by Hasbro spilling out of the Iron Man 3 movie. Judging by the toys’ tagline of “Assemblers” fans can pop on and off arms and pieces to make their own unique Iron Man. Can anyone say gimmick? Regardless, we here at AiPT owe it to the gentle reader our synopsis of each figure just as we did with the Amazing Spider-Man toys last year. Hopefully there isn’t as much dildo action.


Gold/Red


Of all the Iron Man toys this might take the cake as the most likely version to feature a rod up Tony’s ass.


White/Grey


From left to right: I can only imagine the gun is used to pull errant comedians off the stage, the shoulder pad (which are packaged with all of these figures) are obviously in case it’s 80s night, and the chainsaw arm is proof Tony loves the TV show Ax Men. Iron Man 4 is going to be one wild ride!


Iron Patriot


There are days a double fisting dildo gun are necessary to fight crime. Deal with it.


Black/Silver


The robotic arm is cool, but since when does War Machine not sport an enormous gun?


Black/Champagne


Looks like the Mark III armor got the coveted Gucci mortar shoulder pad.


Gunmetal


I don’t know what’s cooler, the abdominal armor or the boot cut leggings.

And if you want to see how awesome the toys look when someone adds special effects click here.