Animal Man #17 (Pick 1)
Dave: This is what happens when the Flash’s head meets a rock going at nearly full speed. Ew.
Sean: At least it was over quickly?
Russ: Forget his crushed melon: Scarlet Speedster, JLA mainstay, “Fastest Man Alive,” and ramshackle hobo kicks are the best he can muster?
Animal Man #17 (Pick 2)
Dave: The Rot Wonder Woman meets a Lantern blade. Yummy treats!
Sean: Wonder Woman looks different. Did she change her hair?
Russ: [Insert ostensibly clever “My girlfriend/significant other when she wakes up in the morning and I hope she doesn’t see this” joke here.]
Dave: I’ve seen plenty of gunshot wounds to the head in comics. This one takes the cake.
Sean: The black ink blood spray is a nice touch, how it overlaps the panels. I just wish he wasn’t named “Steve.” That’s my dad’s name. Leave my dad out of this!
Superior Spider-Man #3
Dave: I’m pretty sure Spock just purposefully made Vulture blind. That’s messed up.
Sean: I think SpOck and Spock should fight in a crossover between Superior Spiderman and Star Trek. Whoever wins can take the other’s job. Imagine Spock from Star Trek as Spider-Man. It’d be really weird. Or, vice versa.
Russ: Web-swinging whilst Vulcan saluting? Shut up and take my money. Also, isn’t Adrian Toomes like 105 years old? He’s a day away from cataracts or glaucoma, anyways. So forced blindness: not that mean.
Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #20 (Pick 1)
Dave: His tongue is ribbed. His skin is the color of shiny black leather. Venom is going full S&M gimp over in the Ultimate universe. I’m fine with that.
Sean: I’m hoping that black goo is just Venom reforming…
Russ: And here I thought Venom was just doing his best Moe Howard from Three Stooges impression, what with that floating bowl-cut globule.
Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #20 (Pick 2)
Dave: After exploding out of control we find out Venom is literally made of tentacles now? Disturbing stuff.
Sean: I reiterate, I hope that goo is purely so he can form into a corporeal state. I’m sure there will be slash fiction to prove to me otherwise, but I’d rather not read it. And by rather not, I mean I’d rather scratch my eyes out with rusty scalpels.
Russ: Stop being so overly defensive, Sean; that’s the quickest way to bring attention to your aberrant black symbiote fetish. Oops… No one blames you, man: “Once you go black goo, no other kink’ll do.”
Young Romance: The New 52 Special #1
Dave: I’m not bothered that Apollo may hookup with that “boy”. No I’m bothered that he loves Midnighter but is totally cool with sleeping around on him. Wait for the one you love you douche!
Sean: Seems like Apollo will be having lift off pretty soon… To be fair, that is one fiiiine twink.
Iron Man Vol. 5 #6
Dave: Personally I prefer to mate with the open sore on a gene-leper’s passion sacs thank you very much!
Sean: Oh, right, his beard is the gross thing. Not that she’s standing in her own puke, and spits when she talks.
Russ:: I believe this is Kieron Gillen trying to say that dudes with soul patches are douchebags. Or that a guy with a soul patch gave him swirlies every day after 4th period gym class. Not sure, satire not conspicuous enough.
Fearless Defenders #1
Dave: Thanks for pointing out Valkyrie isn’t the gay one. It’d be hard to sleep at night if not for that clarification.
Sean: Thanks comic, I was so confused. I figured she’d just started making out with a lady by accident. You know, “Whoops, banana peel; Oh no, my tongue is in your mouth now!”
Fairy Quest #1
Dave: Emo Lost Boy…really?!
Sean: I missed you so much I cut my spleen out, and threw it against the wall. I ripped my heart out, and nailed it to a stack of letters I never sent you, covered in your old hair and nail clippings.
Russ: Don’t forget to address that hypothetical letter to Rufio. Also, it is called Fairy Quest after all, isn’t it Dave? Whoops, wrong ignorant stereotype.
All-New X-Men #7
Dave: Let me get this straight. Bobby is a “sexist twit” but not 5 seconds prior to calling him this you told him he has a “flabby baby-boy body.” Way to be a hypocrite Kitty.
Sean: Way to give the poor kid a complex. Sheesh. Don’t be surprised if you find icy vomit in the toilets daily!
Russ: The correct responses were “To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant,” or “Yes, dear.” Better luck next time, kiddo.
Phabula #1 (Pick 1)
Dave: Considering the art looks like it belongs in a kid’s book the gore is all the more graphic. I particularly like how the tongue has been severed in the second panel.
Sean: Never has a kid so cute, done such horrifying things. Unless you count those poor souls at Neverland Ranch…
Phabula #1 (Pick 2)
Dave: Nothing says yum like chest tentacles. This gives ‘chesticles’ new meaning!
Sean: Doing his best Usher impersonation upon death. You got it, you got it bad.
Sean: This just seems like it should be in a power metal song.
I rode my steed to the cloudy land of Hunger World. I met a giant wolf, I punched him in the faaaaaaceeee. He wore a suit and tie! All business man wolves must die for the steel must live! I am Colder todaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy! YEAAAAAAAHHHHH! Punched a wolf in the FAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCEEEEEE!
… I’m sure PETA is thrilled with this image.
Dave: I’m thinking a muzzle would work better on this wolfman than a punch to the teeth.
Russ: Did you miss the memo, Sean? Dragons are officially extinct in power metal due to excessive slaying. Next target: Lyncanthropes. Also, this panel reminds me of that pitiable yelping noise Sabrewulf made in Killer Instinct. Felt bad every time I punched that poor little hunchbacked werewolf repeatedly in the muzzle.