Batman and Robin #17


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Written by Peter J. Tomasi | Art by Patrick Gleason

Russ: Now this epitomizes just how utterly deranged the Joker is; not for the fact he’s bludgeoning the Bat-family to death with a hammer — but because Whack-A-Mole was not fun. At all.

Dave: Why won’t Joker let go of Robin? Is there some kind of fixation here? If he’d just release him he’d have much more powerful strokes on that Whack-A-Bat!

Sean: Come Pennyworth! Help me whack off Batman!


The End Times of Bram & Ben #2 (of 4)


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Written by James Asmus and Jim Festante | Art by Rem Broo

Dave: If an angel grabs a demon’s nuts does he automatically get sent to Hell and lose his angel privileges?

Sean: I thought angels didn’t have no-no parts? Doesn’t that mean demons don’t either, as they are descendants of a fallen angel? Oh right, a joke. Um. Nope, sorry, I got nothing. That’s an angel grabbing a demon by the junk, people. It speaks for itself.

Russ: If only my girlfriend’s horns lit up like that for grabbing her in the right spot.


Cable and X-Force #4 (Pick 1)


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Written by Dennis Hopeless | Art by Salvador Larroca

Dave: Awww, cutey Tubby Custards just wants a suck on Colossus’ flavorful head. Let him be! Who’s a cutey patooty, who’s a good boy, you are Tubby Custards ah-boo boo boo!

Russ: Dave, your queer baby babble disturbs me more than this panel ever could.


Cable and X-Force #4 (Pick 2)


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Dave: They saved us from a straight on shot of the explosion of the fat man, but the liquid nature of the boom-boom combined with the blurring really unsettles me.

Sean: Snargl? Really? Dude’s about to explode into a thousand pieces of fat steak, and all he has to say at this, the most excruciating of moments, is snargl? Give me a nice, good old fashioned ARGGGHHHHHHH!

Russ: Sometimes I find a good “Snargl” to be just what the doctor ordered, fellas. More cathartic than sex, even. Go on — give it a try.

You too, huddled behind your work desk, pretending to be a productive member of the workforce while you’re reading AiPT: (We thank you for it, by the way.) Let out a good “Snargl.” Fuck what your boss thinks.


Cyberforce #3


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Written by Marc Silvestri | Art by Khoi Pham

Dave: The way the bad guys are being shot is like a watermelon baller going to town. Yeeeuck.

Sean: Right in the thunt.


Manhattan Projects #9


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Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Pitarra

Dave: Frankly, Hickman is helping to continue the false premise that if released in space your body would explode. Poor taste Mr. H, very poor taste to lie to your readers! Your eyes would not bulge and your lungs would NOT turn to red slush. Just read what NASA says about it.

Sean: Yeah, don’t you implode? Also, the onomatopoeia sounds like he just took a shit.

Russ: In space… no one can hear your onomatopoeiac shit.


Secret Avengers Vol. 2 #1


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Written by Nick Spencer | Art by Luke Ross

Dave: What’s with bad guys forcing oily tentacles into our man Hawkeye’s orifices? I enjoyed villainy when it was simpler. Giant lasers, golden guns and volcano bases. Sigh those were the days…

Sean: Back when hot dogs were a nickel, and women stayed barefoot in the kitchen, or got a smooth Chesterfield put out on their stomach.

Russ: Remember when we used to just rape our superheroes with a bit of mind control from Sleeze and some good old fashioned elbow grease? Pepperidge Farm remembers.


Storm Dogs #3


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Written by David Hine | Art by Doug Braithwaite

Dave: You know you’re in trouble when your face has turned into pate.

Sean: The brisket is done.


Batman #17


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Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Greg Capullo

Dave: Valentines Day card with all the trimmings: Face-sliding Joker, mutant lion, flies and the skinned faces of the Bat-family! Who wouldn’t love this?

Sean: He wuvs you. Just don’t let him near ya face.

Russ: Oh, carefully incised faces ain’t all that bad. Why, all you have to do is let ‘em cook a little first. Are you saying what’s good enough to sate Ren Höek’s appetite isn’t good enough for you?


Uncanny X-Men Vol. 3 #1


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Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Chris Bachalo

Dave: This man can release flesh colored balls from his body. Much like uncle Ricky at Thanksgiving only it takes far less gin and tonics.

Sean: Not going to ask, Dave.

Russ: You might say he’s driving those people… nuts? Balls. Nads. Testicles.


BPRD Hell on Earth: The Abyss of Time Part 2 (Pick 1)


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Written by: Mike Mignola, Scott Allie | Art by: James Harren

Sean: Speaking of Thanksgiving…it’s like Harren visited my parent’s house last year. We do a lot of meth in my family, what can I say?

Dave: Is this a before image for the latest Kleenex commercial?


BRPD Hell on Earth: The Abyss of Time Part 2 (Pick 2)

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Sean: Teeth and eyes everywhere. Just like my dreams. And those are the good ones.

Dave: I know barbarian dentistry has come a long way but come on!

Russ: How long does it take to paint a bruisecolored tribesman’s house red? Depends how fast you throw their zombie babies.

  • HitThisJeffery

    You know, an angel grabbing someone’s dingle dangles is normal. When I was younger an angel would come into my room most nights and do that to me. He said that if I tell anyone we won’t have anymore secret tickle time. He stopped coming when I hit puberty… Not sure why. Looked very similar to my church’s priest. Said he took on the form of someone I knew to comfort me.

    • Sean T.

      Sounds normal to me. Didn’t that happen to every child?
      Someone back me up here.