Batman: The Dark Knight #17
Dave: “Pullover.” “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for asking!”
Russ: Call me crazy, but I don’t think that man is going to answer him.
Sean: John Carpenter’s The Thing is a good film.
The Jungle Book: Last of the Species #1
Dave: What is going on with this chick’s belly/crease area? Was she fat and lost tons of weight and now has a strange marsupial belly flap?
Russ: If your sense of humor was puerile and borderline moronic, you might infer from this panel that female Mowgli here is giving a tiny version of Baloo the bear a “knee-job” along his ursine nether regions while ululating like a crazed ape. But none of us are even close to thinking like that, are we? Never that. Not us.
… You knee that bear’s balls, She-Mowgli. Knee ‘em nice and deep like. Patella pamper ‘em good.
Sean: She’s screaming like that because she recently suffered from a prolapsed vagina. And/or her pelvic region has been switched with that of a mannequin.
Deadpool Killustrated #2 (Pick 1)
Russ: Good Guy Deadpool: Pequod crew suffering from suppurating wounds, loss of teeth, jaundice, fever, and neuropathy common among sailors with scurvy. Euthanizes them.
Dave: Since when was bone as strong as Jell-O?
Russ: Now do you see why mommy breastfed you until the age of ten, Dave? So you don’t get osteoporosis!
Sean: That guy’s teeth look like corks.
Deadpool Killustrated #2 (Pick 2)
Russ: Don’t worry kids, Deadpool isn’t really brutally eviscerating that horse: He’s just prepping it for McDonalds’ delicious new “McMustang” menu item.
Sean: I sure could go for a SLLLSH right now. Horsey flavored.
Uncanny X-Force Vol. 2 #2
Dave: A Valentines present you’ll remember… because it’s so damn weird and gross. Sorry, the plaque of my leaders isn’t something I’m interested in.
Sean: Oh God, keep Elizabeth’s away from me. Bitch must have had hella plaque. Sorry, does have hella plaque. She’s not dead yet (sadly).
Russ: So sorta like this, Sean? And at least Fantomex isn’t putting more money in the pockets of those greedy swine at Hallmark and 1-800-Flowers.
Uncanny Avengers #4
Dave: Wolverine was depowered and smashed by Thor. How he’s not mush is beyond me.
Sean: Thor pussed out that day. Can’t win ‘em all.
Russ: “It ain’t gonna be no rematch! Oh, come on! I had enough things in my face tonight! Adrian!”
Young Avengers Vol. 2 #2
Dave: It’s like a T-1000, only fleshy! Imagine this as a product: “Teenagers, tired of your parents grounding you? Not letting you smoke crack indoors? Not any more! With Guardian Goo, you can smash your parents into slime particles…. and watch ‘em reform before your very eyes!”
Sean: I wish mine did. R.I.P. Ma and Pa. (Parents not really dead, or capable of regenerating from mush.)
Russ: Who cares if she can reconstitute her very body? Who the fuck in good conscience names their child Theodore Rufus?
Batman Incorporated #8
Russ: That sound you hear? Every substitute teacher around the world cheering in unison at their wettest dream vividly illustrated for them.
Dave: Kid on kid violence is okay I guess, but is it really fair when it’s a highly trained ninja kid versus a brainwashed hammer wielding moron?
Sean: Nothing like seeing a child kicked in the face to help you get your smile on.
Batman Incorporated #8 (Pick 2)
Russ: Spoiler alert for this issue: Batman is Bruce Wayne.
Dave: There’s nothing more brutal than a kid holding himself up as he’s being pierced by a sword.
Sean: Bet those arrows feel ticklish in comparison pain shopping.
Dave: I don’t know what’s more gross, the loogie this guy is delivering or the spittle strand on his lip corner.
Sean: Both, bro. Bro. Bro, bro, bro, bro, bronies. Wait… no Bronies. Never bronies.
Russ: This some kind of new BSDM fantasy wherein couples spit on/talk about murdering each other in the guise of foreplay with revolvers instead of whips and chains? They do say spit is the world’s oldest sex lube; although old dude’s sputum looking like week-old curdled milk can’t be a good sign.
I Killed Adolf Hitler
Russ: Damn, that’s cold… there are only six bricks on that building in the bottom-left panel! Someone needs their masonry construction license revoked.
Dave: We must remember a world where hitmen are legal requires everyone be cats and birds.