“What? Dunsparce is evolving!”
Except that never happened. You can imagine what it’d be like though, right? I’ve already speculated on a gaggle of Pokemon that need to be shown some love in part one of this theme, so you know my answer to that one.
And not shown love in the “Pikachu needs more cuddles after his next haircut and hot Thunderstone massage at the PokeSpa” sense — but in terms of ameliorating movesets, stats, and overall appearance.
Being the fine lover of justice porn and prevailing of underdogs that I am, here’s a list of more Pokemon Rudies who deserve their moments of glory:
There are only a couple reasons that spring to mind as to why you (or anyone else for that matter) would have Sunflora on your team:
1. You lost a very strange bet.
2. You come from a long line of gardeners whose family crest is a sunflower.
3. You’re a Poke-masochist that enjoys the perverse gratification of fending off attacks from dragons, genetically-crafted superbeings, and anthropomorphic, regenerative DNA strands with… a flower guy. A flower guy with a smiley face on its sunflower head.
Sure, the Pokemon you choose doesn’t define your manliness. (This is a game designed with 5-year-olds in mind, I have to keep reminding myself.) But let’s face it, there’s nothing Sunflora brings to the table that prevents you from weeding it out in favor of a superior Grass-type or any special attacker for that matter. Well grab your shovels and fertilizer bags, friends. It’s time we grew this garden:
When stacked up against its high-end bug brethren, Pinsir just can’t hold it down.
A 125 Attack stat, solid ability in Moxie, and what the Pokemon Emerald Pokedex describes as “pincers strong enough to shatter thick logs,” are all elements that qualify it as more than some meddling insect. Couple of problems though:
First, Pinsir started off as a counterpart to Scyther in the original games but was soon left behind when the latter strapped on its Metal Coat, evolved into the much more favorable Bug/Steel typed Scizor, and took off for greener pastures and more competitive battling tiers.
Second, it’s the Jan Brady beetle to Heracross’ Marcia. In other words, anything Pinsir can do, Heracross can do better. They have nearly identical stats; but Heracross has more HP, better special defense, and dishes out grievous dual STAB damage with both Close Combat and Megahorn thanks to its Bug/Fighting typing.
Heracross draws its real life inspiration from the aptly-named Hercules beetle; let’s see Pinsir go from a stag beetle to an atlas beetle, like this:
Or even this:
While both of those look downright menacing, Bug/Steel is a bit played out these days (we’ve got Scizor, Forretress, Wormadam, Escavalier, Durant, and bug legendary Genesect). I’d rather see Pinsir differentiate itself with a Bug/Dark evolution, a type combination we have yet to see in-game. Take the following rendition and expand upon it, perhaps?
Imagine a Bug/Dark Pinsidious, wreaking havoc with the following moveset:
– Stone Edge
Pinsir’s been chumped out of getting Megahorn ever since Heracross arrived on the scene. If Absol and Rapidash can learn Megahorn, it’s due time that Pinsir did the same; now that it’s an Atlas bug, there’s no excuse. A STAB Crunch also means Ghost types no longer have an easy time switching in on our big, brown bipedal beetle who has finally clambered into the upper echelon of pugnacious bugs.
Girafarig is a giraffe with a big, black surprise saddled between its legs. Whoa, put down the pepper spray: a ferocious, razor-sharp toothed, sentient head for a tail. The hell did you think we meant?
And that’s pretty bad-ass, isn’t it? Sure would be… if said head was advantageous in any way, shape, or form. Instead, as the Pokedex description from Pokemon Sapphire explains:
“Girafarig’s rear head contains a tiny brain that is too small for thinking. However, the rear head doesn’t need to sleep, so it can keep watch over its surroundings 24 hours a day.”
Too small for thinking? The hell? Can what you have really be considered a brain at all if yours makes what the dinosaurs (creatures with brains the size of peanuts) had look like Sir Isaac Newton’s in comparison? Well, technically yes. But like any poor schmoe with a micro-penis, that doesn’t mean you have to admit it.
But what if Girafarig’s tail were to gain the upper end somehow? Perhaps with a sudden burgeoning in brain size? Incoming Normal/Dark:
Cherrim is a quirky little flower whose appearance changes based on the weather. Aw, so shy. Just look at her. The left is what she looks like during normal weather and the right is when the sun basks her in its warming glow. Isn’t that adorable?
Not anymore she ain’t. Call her adorable one more time and she’ll burn your ass with fire. Let’s give Cherrim an alternate evolution; one that has the choice of not only Flower Gift as its Ability, but Chlorophyll as well, to bolster its new Grass/Fire combination. According to Bulbapedia, “Cherrim is a combination of cherry and cherubim or blossom.” Take that root and add the Latin word for fire, ignis, and you have Cherignis:
Things I like about Dunsparce:
1. Paraflinch hax abuser thanks to Serene Grace.
2. Decent movepool.
3. Makes your opponent want to kill themselves.
Things I hate about Dunsparce:
1. Sub-par stats.
2. Slow as shit.
But what if I told you Dunsparce could be so much more than some pesky, goggle-eyed, vestigial-winged snake thing? Behold:
Normal/Dragon? A type combination so crazy it just might work.
“Kick off your shoes and stay Mawile.”
Sorry Mawile, not tonight. We’ve got a headache. You know your mother is asleep in the next room. What do you mean you’ve never heard about the Pokerus virus?
In case you couldn’t quite take the hint: we don’t want to play with Mawile. Like a poor sap whose only interaction with the opposite sex is the throngs of duplicitous women who use advantageous angles and Instagram filters for their profile pictures or Manti Te’o — we feel cheated.
Here’s a Pokemon that looks every bit the bad-ass, as its “Intimidate” trait suggests, yet comes off no more harmful than most first-stage evolutions. In fact, its stat total of 380 is right on par with several inchoate Pokemon as well. Pokemon such as: Graveler (390), Munchlax (390), Gloom (395), Kadabra (400), Wailmer (400), Bibarel (410), and Furret (415).
That just ain’t right. Magic wand, make my Mawile grow… into Jawguile:
Spinda from a seven-year-old’s point of view [sic]: “Spinda is so kul becuz he is panda bare with the stripe and he look dizzy and wun time I catched three, no for Spinda and there stripes I looked on the bodys they were diffrunt and my mom said every persun differnunt so pokemon r too that’s so awesum.”
Spinda from anyone over seven’s point of view: “I caught Spinda because it looked like a cool little bear guy. Who knows what vertiginous-patterned beast it might evolve into? [One day later]: As it turns out, Spinda is a gimmick Pokemon. There are over 4 billion combinations for its spots placement. Great. Also, who gives a shit?”
Let’s give Spinda a backwards hat, a pair of sunglasses, a gold chain and call him Pandizzlemanizzle. No, too distasteful and pathetic? I thought the kids these days really liked Kevin Federline and Jamie Kennedy?
Alright. Give him a slight stat boost, a few years under his grizzled midsection and an ability called Bamboozle, which confuses the opposing Pokemon upon entry.
We know what Kirk Lazarus warned us of in Tropic Thunder, but screw ‘em: With the Spinda evolution, we go full derp:
The latest case of “You can never have enough egregiously cute electric type poster-critters for the Pokemon franchise,” or “It’s not Pikachu if we give it a different name and slightly different rodent family, right?”
But Pachirisu isn’t Pikachu. And the only person that uses Pikachu in competitive battling is a dumbass. (Or secluded in a cave somewhere, depending on which continuity you want to reference.)
Alright electric squirrel, it’s time to put those nuts of yours to good use. Shed some of the cuteness in favor of some usefulness and everything will be copacetic:
“Fuck yeah! Another banal fish Pokemon: one that looks like a retarded fusion of a bass, piranha, and betta fish and has a meager-ass movepool. Kind of like Magikarp except he doesn’t evolve into one of the best Pokemon in the game. Or anything at all. Can’t wait to angle me up one of these bad Larrys while I surf atop my doggy-paddling Bidoof and put ‘em to good use,” said nobody ever.
Basculin is a combination of the words bass and masculine, but truth be told, there’s not too much about the dudes that exude vigor besides the facts they’re perpetually mean mugging and look like they’d cause a filthy case of the runs if eaten improperly cooked.
Time for Basculin to enter the big leagues. Besides Kingdra, we haven’t had a Water/Dragon Pokemon in a while. (We have Palkia, but he’s an uber, and using ubers all the time just makes you feel unclean.) It has been rumored that Gyarados was originally supposed to be a Water/Dragon type instead of Water/Flying back in the original Pokemon games, but the lack of strong Dragon moves to counter his only weakness made Nintendo reconsider. Now that it’s 2013, Basculin’s evo can fill that gap and serve as a nice doppelganger to Gyarados while he’s at it:
Props to AiPT reader Hunter, who was the inspiration for this choice. Sudowoodo was an enigmatic Pokemon when he first appeared on the scene in Gold/Silver. Why in the blue hell would an enormous rock pose as a tree? How would such evolutionary methods come to pass?
Pokemon B/W gave Sudowodoo an interesting move in Wood Hammer, a 120 power physical recoil Grass move with 100% accuracy, which unlike other pure Rock types, allows it to slightly curb incoming Ground and Water attackers. He’d put this maneuver into even better use with his brand new Grass/Rock type combination:
Sure, there’s no desperation here; and we know we’re getting Sylveon, a brand-spanking new Eeveelution in Pokemon X/Y — but this hypothetical Pokemon was way too bad-ass not to include. Champeon, the Fighting type Eeveelution:
There you have it. Eleven more Pokemon that could benefit from some form of metamorphosis. Agree/disagree? Have any suggestions of your own? Sound off in the comments.