Each Friday, AiPT writers pretend they are Kim Jong-un and dictate, in no uncertain terms, that they know just how bad-ass comics can be. They pick fights, get oiled up and ultimately saber rattle their way into picking the panels which are the most poor in taste. Just like we all like ’em, eh?
This week, Hitler walks into Heaven, Ultimate Spider-Man brings Venom to symbiotic orgasm, and much stomping ensues.
Batman: The Dark Knight #19
Dave: I’ve seen this done with bowling balls but dang that is impressive. Think of the forearm strength required to pull 2 bodies. True retard strength here people!
Sean: I’ve always said they should have tard strong man competitions.
Russ: So… you two are going straight to Hell. Don’t you worry fellas, I’ll console your wives. Console ‘em real good like.
Deadpool Killustrated #4
Dave: Okay, first off, how did he kill Poe? Did he make him eat a raven? Second off, did he have to kill Samsa with an ax. That had to be the messiest way.
Jordan: And now, a flashback to Dead or Alive Xtreme 2.
Sean: Apparently Sherlock Holmes has a memory as bad as mine. That and his partner…uh…oh jeez, what’s that guy’s name…elementary my dear…is it Robert?
Russ: Good guy Deadpool: Knows insectile Gregor Samsa will suffer the entire length of Kafka novella… brutally axe butchers him to put him out of his misery.
Dave: Pop goes the weasel!
Sean: Oooh, look at that GWUMP. He’s gonna feel that GWUMP in the mornin’.
The End Times of Bram & Ben #4
Dave: Gore puns. The best of puns of all. They get you right in the gut.
Sean: I hope he can stomach that.
Dave: The very image of Hitler entering Heaven is a bit disturbing in’it?
Jordan: Dangit, St. Peter fell asleep guarding the gate again.
Sean: Is that neo nazi tickling that angel in the background? Left side. Is he checking his bingo wings?
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 #2
Dave: Bendis is a real dick isn’t he? Or should we blame Tony for dissing Britain? God save the Queen!
Jordan: Hey, I’m playing Marvel: Avengers Alliance and Captain Britain is good. Can’t say much for you Tony though…
Sean: Burn Iron Man, burnnnnnn!
Russ: And just where is Captain Djibouti during all this, huh? Way to shun your international readers, Marvel.
Judge Dredd Year One #2
Dave: Dredd, killing children since 2013. At least he doesn’t look happy about it.
Sean: Does he ever look happy about anything?
Russ: Parents these days could learn a thing or two about keeping their kids in line from Judge Dredd. A stern… yet fair dad. LAWWWWWW.
Ultimate Comics Spider-Man Vol. 2 #22
Dave: Okay so, what’s more disturbing gentle readers? The fact that Miles is crying…or the fact that Venom is screaming out in orgasmic ecstasy? You be the judge.
Jordan: Let’s not forget the disturbing tentacles and this goes way up in the wrong department.
Russ: What? You guys have never been to DeviantArt before? This kind of stuff is common practice. Er, probably. Not that I’d know or anything:
Uncanny X-Men Vol. 3 #5
Dave: Blood splatter for the win!
Jordan: That was one hell of a chunk.
The Manhattan Projects #11
Sean: Oooh, right in the entirety of his body.
Dave: This is what it looks like when an organism is blasted with intense radiation…only in comics.
Batman Incorporated #10
Dave: You know when this whole villain thing is over I think The Heretic has a bright future as a grape squashing wine enthusiast.
Jordan: Oh my god! They’re bleeding ketchup all over the place! It’s too horrible to look at!
Sean: You don’t even want to know what he does with the other three.
It involves the codpiece.
Joe Hill’s Terrifyingly Tragic Treasury Edition
Sean: With that information about the boots, it’s like he’s symbolically kicking the calf’s head into a brick wall too. Oh, the SKRNCHING!
Russ: See ladies. If Stomp: The Musical were more like this we might actually WANT to take you.