Comic books came out this week. We read them and culled from them their most abominable panels. It’s Friday. Let’s get weird.
Batman and Red Robin #20
Written by Peter J. Tomasi | Art by Cliff Richards
Russ: Shyamalan Twist: This man was a concert pianist the mercenaries planted as a decoy. He’ll never play Rondo Alla Turca again.
Dave: Fittingly these also double as Batman’s bedroom-only spankin’ gloves!
Russ: For the last time Dave, that casting couch session where you “auditioned to be the next Robin” wasn’t really Robin tryouts held by Batman.
Vampirella #29
Written by Brandon Jerwa | Art by Patrick Berkenkotter
Dave: Okay, so you got her pain but explain the healing of that massive hole.
Sean: “Did I say pain? I meant paint. I saw you had some ceiling paint on the floor over there, and I feel like my bedroom could use a fresh coat. Oh, but you’re on your own with the gaping wound.”
Grimm #1
Written by Marc Gaffen, Kyle McVey | Art by Jose Malaga
Dave: If you’re going to grab a man’s horn — use some lube. Sheesh, people these days.
Sean: Good news is it’ll be used to make a Chinese guy horny. See, everything happens for a reason.
Jordan: Man, that came off easily. Just how weak are horns anyways?
Russ: I’ve now been given man-horn lubing advice from Dave. FML.
Chin Music #1
Written by Steve Niles | Art by Tony Harris
Dave: It’s a shame that “screeeech” doesn’t come with a “crunch.” That would have made that panel really snap, crackle and pop.
Wait, now that I mention it, this’d be a great mascot for a new breakfast cereal! I can see “McSkully the Rotting Man” on a Kellogs box now.
Sean: Yo dead guy, are you sure that’s what the Beatles song meant when they asked people to “Do it in the road”?
Justice League of America #3
Written by Geoff Johns | Art by Brett Booth
Dave: Starting to realize Catwoman has gone back to her roots in the DCU serving as a sex object in every issue and not much more. Okay… she does make some good jokes now and then.
Sean: Catwoman from here on out will be known as Cat-Dat-Ass.
Jordan: Wait, so you’re telling me she hasn’t been called that since #0?
Dave: What the fuck is going on with your neck/shoulder area Hawkman?!
Sean: Hawkman needs a chiropractor, baaaadddd.
Jordan: Hawkman sure has a long arm.
Russ: Hawkman’s reach has been listed at 86 inches, just beating out Sonny Liston for most advantageous boxing reach ever. But only in his left arm. He uses the right arm for… other stuff.
Avenging Spider-Man #20
Written by Christopher Yost | Art by Marco Checchetto
Dave: Man, the jokes by SpOck are starting to rival Panels In Poor Taste’s in quality.
Sean: Speak for yourself, my shit is gold.
Jordan: Please, I’m the true genius here.
Russ: Back up for a second here. Sean, you shit gold? Laquisha, cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. And order me a plunger, a pair of forceps, and a dozen boxes of Ex-Lax tablets. The chewable kind. Sean and I have some work to do.
Wolverine #3
Written by Paul Cornell | Art by Alan Davis
Dave: Wolverine: Making suicide cool since 2013!
Sean: Everybody, do the suicide locomotion with me! It’s a brand new dance now! Come on and slit your wrists now!
Russ: Is this taking place in an enormous Porta Potty or something? Because this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen this happen.
Batman #20
Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Greg Capullo
Dave: That moment you realize Clayface is standing off panel with his pants down talking with his “crotch cowboy” again.
Sean: Remember Bruce, a “mud bath” is far different when Clayface does it.
Jordan: That right there is what you call nightmare fuel, kiddies.
Dave: How I feel after most hangovers.
Sean: So you ate him? Was that really the best way to deal with this situation Clayface?
Jordan: Bah! Bruce Wayne tastes awful. Like guano and cheese.
Deadpool #9
Written by Gerry Duggan, Brian Posehn | Art by Mike Hawthorne
Dave: If you’re forced to choke your hot dog when a penis pops up you may be telegraphing your sexual orientation. Just sayin’.
Russ: Better than choking ON your own hot dog, am I right? ::holds for applause::
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