May 15 Releases

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Age of Ultron #8

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Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Brandon Peterson

Dave: When I see breasts twice as large as a woman’s head I always call 911. Severe bee allergy every time. Unless I’m having a beer allergy and I’m seeing things. Vavavoom!

Jordan: With boobs those size, she’d fit right at home in an anime.

Sean: I think that might be a man. I see Adam’s apple.

Russ: Apparently we can add “giraffid/Okapi neck stretching ability” to Emma Frost’s laundry list of mutant powers now.

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Madness of Wonderland #4

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Written by Dan Wickline | Art by Oscar Celestini, Frederico De Luca

Dave: This is how snuff fairies are made.

Jordan: Looking at that woman, I’m not sure what her emotion was when she died. At best, she looks startled and confused at the same time.

Sean: And young Ted Bundy hatched wonderful and magical plans for the future.

Russ: I knew the storyboard ideas I submitted for Home Alone 4: Revenge of the Sticky Bandits would finally see the light of day. Give me my damn credit, Zenoscope.

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Double Barrel #10

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Written by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert | Art by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert

Dave: Reminds me of my own birth. Particularly the part where I had seven penises.

Sean: Uh, that’s eight penises, thank you very much. I learned a lot at Boy Scout camp.

Things I wish I didn’t remember…

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Grimm Fairy Tales Unleashed: Vampires: The Eternal #2

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Written by Patrick Shand | Art by Vittorio Garofoli | Pencils by Vince Evans

Dave: Those are some chewie blood roses. I usually like mine jellied.

Sean: I’m sure they have those in Japan by now.

Russ: Mmm, putrefactive corpse roses. [Insert, “That would make a helluva metal band name lol” joke here.]

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X-Factor #256

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Written by Peter David | Pencils by Leonard Kirk

Dave: I just love how much of a wussling Mephisto is in this panel. Now you know the pain we felt after Brand New Day, you bastard!

Sean: You guess you won?! Motherfucker, are you blind?!

Russ: Is that the new Teen Wolf from the MTV series impaled on that pitchfork? If so, I approve. And more please.

May 22 Releases

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Akaneiro #1

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Written by Justin Aclin | Art by Vasilis Lolos

Dave: See this is simple math at work here people. Bear plus demon equals bear demon cat thing. Stephen Colbert was right!

Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has…

Russ: Sorry sweet, gentle AiPT readers: Sean just used up his last “Stamina Training Unit” Fleshlight and still hasn’t seen any improvements in his “love life.” Just humor him.

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Star Wars: Legacy #3

Written by Corinna Bechko, Gabriel Hardman | Art by Gabriel Hardman

Dave: Always a pleasure to see a Slackbah matting with a transport ship.

Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has?

Russ: ::Just shakes his head, pats Sean pitiably on the shoulder, like this scene from Billy Madison.::

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Judge Dredd #7

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Written by Duane Swierczynski | Art by Nelson Daniel

Dave: Why we don’t see more laser nets of death is beyond me.

Sean: Has no one learned anything from the first Resident Evil film? Lasers. They chop you to bits.

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Sex #3

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Written by Joe Casey | Art by Piotr Kowalski

Dave: For a comic titled Sex there sure is a lot of headshots…oh wait that fits!

Sean: Gives shot to the face a whole new meaning.

Wait, no, it doesn’t.

Note: These panels are not in order, just a collection of the panels that appeared on multiple pages.

Dave: This has to be the most overdone masturbation scene I’ve ever seen. I mean…who holds their head surprised by how passionate they were going? That’s some out of body shit right there.

Jordan: Huh, I don’t think she’s using that thing right since it seems to be hurting her.

Sean: Jordan, she started in the wrong hole, then just went for it. Hence the surprise. From pain to pleasure.

Strap in, I’m not done with the asshole jokes.

Russ: In this article: Comic book reviewers give their hilarious, oftentimes fallacious ideas on that zany thing called female masturbation. /Casey Kasem voice

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The Bounce #1

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Written by Joe Casey | Art by David Messina

Dave: Rule #1 when creating an “adult” superhero book: Open with something inappropriate for children. Case in point, we got a guy ripping on a bong with a flipping naked lady being eaten/sexed by a squid. Yeesh.

Sean: We all know what he’s “trying to do.” Get high as balls, so he can go find another weird ass half woman, half squid poster online for his wall.

…

I wonder how many buttholes it has?

Russ: How downright audacious! What’s next, a comic book where they wash the dishes or fold laundry?

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Young Avengers #5

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Written by Kieron Gillen | Art by Jamie McKelvie, Mike Norton

Dave: Gratuitous Play-Doh smashing, take one!

Jordan: Really? Looks more like they are turning them all into globs of peanut butter.

Sean: It’s a bad sign when even your characters are asking what’s going on.

Russ: My uncle went the same way.

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Uncanny Avengers #8AU

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Written by Rick Remender | Art by Gerry Duggan, Andy Kubert

Dave: For a second there I thought Havok was okay. I’ve seen heroes came back from a good Shrunk-ing…but the second panel confirms he’s joined the midget community.

Jordan: Huh, you would expect more blood…

Sean: Apparently, Havok is hollow inside.

Just like me.

(Lifts gun, sighs, puts gun back on table.)

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Batman: The Dark Knight #20

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Written by Gregg Hurwitz | Art by Szymon Kudranski

Dave: Being Batman’s girlfriend sure has its minuses.

Jordan: Dammit, now who is going to clean this mess up?

Sean: I imagine Batman was really confused for a bit, before the signal died.

“What the Hell is the blob in the sky? Are they saying I’m fat? Fuck them, totally not stopping crime tonight!”

(Batman runs off crying, flapping hands like a school girl.)

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Justice League #20

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Written by Geoff Johns | Art by Gene Ha, Joe Prado

Dave: Since when did J’onn get ribbing on his head? He looks like a dildo.

Jordan: People make the silliest of faces when trying to look threatening.

Sean: This comic brought to you by the American Dental Association.

Russ: J’onn J’onzz: Ribbed for his/her/its/shis/[insert various Martian gender specific pronouns here]’s pleasure. Isn’t that the New 52 tagline for Martian Manhunter?

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A+X #8

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Written by Christopher Hasting | Art by Reilly Brown

Dave: Ninja Spider-Man is definitely better than Purple Arrow. Isn’t Purple Arrow what Russ calls his Mr. Winky?

Sean: It’s what I call it.

I mean, no, I have never seen Russ’ dick, nor do I call it Purple Arrow!

Ha! Oh, gay jokes. Yes, just jokes.

(Sean sighs, stares longingly at framed photo of Russ on his wall.)

Russ: Did I mention we need to fill a few new writer spots here on Adventures in Poor Taste? Send in your resumes, kids.

Dave: Thank god Obama wasn’t a zombie!

Sean: Watch out lady, your vagina is going to catch on fire!

Russ: She clearly has her priorities straight. Dodge the unrelenting gunfire or even run a mere step in the opposite direction? Hell no. Can’t let those TMZ assholes get upskirt pics!

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Batman Incorporated #11

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Written by Chris Burnham | Art by Jorge Lucas

Russ: What’s the matter, fella? Crimson, skin-tight leather, scarf-clad Power Ranger Fembot analogue got your tongue?

Dave: In Japan there are tongue police. Watch out muff divers!