May 15 Releases

Age of Ultron #8

Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Brandon Peterson

Dave: When I see breasts twice as large as a woman’s head I always call 911. Severe bee allergy every time. Unless I’m having a beer allergy and I’m seeing things. Vavavoom!

Jordan: With boobs those size, she’d fit right at home in an anime.

Sean: I think that might be a man. I see Adam’s apple.

Russ: Apparently we can add “giraffid/Okapi neck stretching ability” to Emma Frost’s laundry list of mutant powers now.

Madness of Wonderland #4

Written by Dan Wickline | Art by Oscar Celestini, Frederico De Luca

Dave: This is how snuff fairies are made.

Jordan: Looking at that woman, I’m not sure what her emotion was when she died. At best, she looks startled and confused at the same time.

Sean: And young Ted Bundy hatched wonderful and magical plans for the future.

Russ: I knew the storyboard ideas I submitted for Home Alone 4: Revenge of the Sticky Bandits would finally see the light of day. Give me my damn credit, Zenoscope.

Double Barrel #10

Written by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert | Art by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert

Dave: Reminds me of my own birth. Particularly the part where I had seven penises.

Sean: Uh, that’s eight penises, thank you very much. I learned a lot at Boy Scout camp.

Things I wish I didn’t remember…

Grimm Fairy Tales Unleashed: Vampires: The Eternal #2

Written by Patrick Shand | Art by Vittorio Garofoli | Pencils by Vince Evans

Dave: Those are some chewie blood roses. I usually like mine jellied.

Sean: I’m sure they have those in Japan by now.

Russ: Mmm, putrefactive corpse roses. [Insert, “That would make a helluva metal band name lol” joke here.]

X-Factor #256

Written by Peter David | Pencils by Leonard Kirk

Dave: I just love how much of a wussling Mephisto is in this panel. Now you know the pain we felt after Brand New Day, you bastard!

Sean: You guess you won?! M----------r, are you blind?!

Russ: Is that the new Teen Wolf from the MTV series impaled on that pitchfork? If so, I approve. And more please.

May 22 Releases

Akaneiro #1

Written by Justin Aclin | Art by Vasilis Lolos

Dave: See this is simple math at work here people. Bear plus demon equals bear demon cat thing. Stephen Colbert was right!

Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has…

Russ: Sorry sweet, gentle AiPT readers: Sean just used up his last “Stamina Training Unit” Fleshlight and still hasn’t seen any improvements in his “love life.” Just humor him.

Star Wars: Legacy #3

Written by Corinna Bechko, Gabriel Hardman | Art by Gabriel Hardman

Dave: Always a pleasure to see a Slackbah matting with a transport ship.

Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has?

Russ: ::Just shakes his head, pats Sean pitiably on the shoulder, like this scene from Billy Madison.::

Judge Dredd #7

Written by Duane Swierczynski | Art by Nelson Daniel

Dave: Why we don’t see more laser nets of death is beyond me.

Sean: Has no one learned anything from the first Resident Evil film? Lasers. They chop you to bits.

Sex #3

Written by Joe Casey | Art by Piotr Kowalski

Dave: For a comic titled Sex there sure is a lot of headshots…oh wait that fits!

Sean: Gives shot to the face a whole new meaning.

Wait, no, it doesn’t.

Note: These panels are not in order, just a collection of the panels that appeared on multiple pages.

Dave: This has to be the most overdone masturbation scene I’ve ever seen. I mean…who holds their head surprised by how passionate they were going? That’s some out of body s--t right there.

Jordan: Huh, I don’t think she’s using that thing right since it seems to be hurting her.

Sean: Jordan, she started in the wrong hole, then just went for it. Hence the surprise. From pain to pleasure.

Strap in, I’m not done with the a-----e jokes.

Russ: In this article: Comic book reviewers give their hilarious, oftentimes fallacious ideas on that zany thing called female masturbation. /Casey Kasem voice

The Bounce #1

Written by Joe Casey | Art by David Messina

Dave: Rule #1 when creating an “adult” superhero book: Open with something inappropriate for children. Case in point, we got a guy ripping on a bong with a flipping naked lady being eaten/sexed by a squid. Yeesh.

Sean: We all know what he’s “trying to do.” Get high as balls, so he can go find another weird ass half woman, half squid poster online for his wall.

I wonder how many buttholes it has?

Russ: How downright audacious! What’s next, a comic book where they wash the dishes or fold laundry?

Young Avengers #5

Written by Kieron Gillen | Art by Jamie McKelvie, Mike Norton

Dave: Gratuitous Play-Doh smashing, take one!

Jordan: Really? Looks more like they are turning them all into globs of peanut butter.

Sean: It’s a bad sign when even your characters are asking what’s going on.

Russ: My uncle went the same way.

Uncanny Avengers #8AU

Written by Rick Remender | Art by Gerry Duggan, Andy Kubert

Dave: For a second there I thought Havok was okay. I’ve seen heroes came back from a good Shrunk-ing…but the second panel confirms he’s joined the midget community.

Jordan: Huh, you would expect more blood…

Sean: Apparently, Havok is hollow inside.

Just like me.

(Lifts gun, sighs, puts gun back on table.)

Batman: The Dark Knight #20

Written by Gregg Hurwitz | Art by Szymon Kudranski

Dave: Being Batman’s girlfriend sure has its minuses.

Jordan: Dammit, now who is going to clean this mess up?

Sean: I imagine Batman was really confused for a bit, before the signal died.

“What the Hell is the blob in the sky? Are they saying I’m fat? F--k them, totally not stopping crime tonight!”

(Batman runs off crying, flapping hands like a school girl.)

Justice League #20

Written by Geoff Johns | Art by Gene Ha, Joe Prado

Dave: Since when did J’onn get ribbing on his head? He looks like a dildo.

Jordan: People make the silliest of faces when trying to look threatening.

Sean: This comic brought to you by the American Dental Association.

Russ: J’onn J’onzz: Ribbed for his/her/its/shis/[insert various Martian gender specific pronouns here]’s pleasure. Isn’t that the New 52 tagline for Martian Manhunter?

A+X #8

Written by Christopher Hasting | Art by Reilly Brown

Dave: Ninja Spider-Man is definitely better than Purple Arrow. Isn’t Purple Arrow what Russ calls his Mr. Winky?

Sean: It’s what I call it.

I mean, no, I have never seen Russ’ dick, nor do I call it Purple Arrow!

Ha! Oh, gay jokes. Yes, just jokes.

(Sean sighs, stares longingly at framed photo of Russ on his wall.)

Russ: Did I mention we need to fill a few new writer spots here on Adventures in Poor Taste? Send in your resumes, kids.

Dave: Thank god Obama wasn’t a zombie!

Sean: Watch out lady, your vagina is going to catch on fire!

Russ: She clearly has her priorities straight. Dodge the unrelenting gunfire or even run a mere step in the opposite direction? Hell no. Can’t let those TMZ a------s get upskirt pics!

Batman Incorporated #11

Written by Chris Burnham | Art by Jorge Lucas

Russ: What’s the matter, fella? Crimson, skin-tight leather, scarf-clad Power Ranger Fembot analogue got your tongue?

Dave: In Japan there are tongue police. Watch out muff divers!