May 15 Releases
Age of Ultron #8
Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Brandon Peterson
Dave: When I see breasts twice as large as a woman’s head I always call 911. Severe bee allergy every time. Unless I’m having a beer allergy and I’m seeing things. Vavavoom!
Jordan: With boobs those size, she’d fit right at home in an anime.
Sean: I think that might be a man. I see Adam’s apple.
Russ: Apparently we can add “giraffid/Okapi neck stretching ability” to Emma Frost’s laundry list of mutant powers now.
Madness of Wonderland #4
Written by Dan Wickline | Art by Oscar Celestini, Frederico De Luca
Dave: This is how snuff fairies are made.
Jordan: Looking at that woman, I’m not sure what her emotion was when she died. At best, she looks startled and confused at the same time.
Sean: And young Ted Bundy hatched wonderful and magical plans for the future.
Russ: I knew the storyboard ideas I submitted for Home Alone 4: Revenge of the Sticky Bandits would finally see the light of day. Give me my damn credit, Zenoscope.
Double Barrel #10
Written by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert | Art by Kevin Cannon, Zander Cannon, Tim Sievert
Dave: Reminds me of my own birth. Particularly the part where I had seven penises.
Sean: Uh, that’s eight penises, thank you very much. I learned a lot at Boy Scout camp.
Things I wish I didn’t remember…
Grimm Fairy Tales Unleashed: Vampires: The Eternal #2
Written by Patrick Shand | Art by Vittorio Garofoli | Pencils by Vince Evans
Dave: Those are some chewie blood roses. I usually like mine jellied.
Sean: I’m sure they have those in Japan by now.
Russ: Mmm, putrefactive corpse roses. [Insert, “That would make a helluva metal band name lol” joke here.]
Written by Peter David | Pencils by Leonard Kirk
Dave: I just love how much of a wussling Mephisto is in this panel. Now you know the pain we felt after Brand New Day, you bastard!
Sean: You guess you won?! M----------r, are you blind?!
Russ: Is that the new Teen Wolf from the MTV series impaled on that pitchfork? If so, I approve. And more please.
May 22 Releases
Written by Justin Aclin | Art by Vasilis Lolos
Dave: See this is simple math at work here people. Bear plus demon equals bear demon cat thing. Stephen Colbert was right!
Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has…
Russ: Sorry sweet, gentle AiPT readers: Sean just used up his last “Stamina Training Unit” Fleshlight and still hasn’t seen any improvements in his “love life.” Just humor him.
Star Wars: Legacy #3
Written by Corinna Bechko, Gabriel Hardman | Art by Gabriel Hardman
Dave: Always a pleasure to see a Slackbah matting with a transport ship.
Sean: I wonder how many buttholes it has?
Russ: ::Just shakes his head, pats Sean pitiably on the shoulder, like this scene from Billy Madison.::
Judge Dredd #7
Written by Duane Swierczynski | Art by Nelson Daniel
Dave: Why we don’t see more laser nets of death is beyond me.
Sean: Has no one learned anything from the first Resident Evil film? Lasers. They chop you to bits.
Written by Joe Casey | Art by Piotr Kowalski
Dave: For a comic titled Sex there sure is a lot of headshots…oh wait that fits!
Sean: Gives shot to the face a whole new meaning.
Wait, no, it doesn’t.
Note: These panels are not in order, just a collection of the panels that appeared on multiple pages.
Dave: This has to be the most overdone masturbation scene I’ve ever seen. I mean…who holds their head surprised by how passionate they were going? That’s some out of body s--t right there.
Jordan: Huh, I don’t think she’s using that thing right since it seems to be hurting her.
Sean: Jordan, she started in the wrong hole, then just went for it. Hence the surprise. From pain to pleasure.
Strap in, I’m not done with the a-----e jokes.
Russ: In this article: Comic book reviewers give their hilarious, oftentimes fallacious ideas on that zany thing called female masturbation. /Casey Kasem voice
The Bounce #1
Written by Joe Casey | Art by David Messina
Dave: Rule #1 when creating an “adult” superhero book: Open with something inappropriate for children. Case in point, we got a guy ripping on a bong with a flipping naked lady being eaten/sexed by a squid. Yeesh.
Sean: We all know what he’s “trying to do.” Get high as balls, so he can go find another weird ass half woman, half squid poster online for his wall.
I wonder how many buttholes it has?
Russ: How downright audacious! What’s next, a comic book where they wash the dishes or fold laundry?
Young Avengers #5
Written by Kieron Gillen | Art by Jamie McKelvie, Mike Norton
Dave: Gratuitous Play-Doh smashing, take one!
Jordan: Really? Looks more like they are turning them all into globs of peanut butter.
Sean: It’s a bad sign when even your characters are asking what’s going on.
Russ: My uncle went the same way.
Uncanny Avengers #8AU
Written by Rick Remender | Art by Gerry Duggan, Andy Kubert
Dave: For a second there I thought Havok was okay. I’ve seen heroes came back from a good Shrunk-ing…but the second panel confirms he’s joined the midget community.
Jordan: Huh, you would expect more blood…
Sean: Apparently, Havok is hollow inside.
Just like me.
(Lifts gun, sighs, puts gun back on table.)
Batman: The Dark Knight #20
Written by Gregg Hurwitz | Art by Szymon Kudranski
Dave: Being Batman’s girlfriend sure has its minuses.
Jordan: Dammit, now who is going to clean this mess up?
Sean: I imagine Batman was really confused for a bit, before the signal died.
“What the Hell is the blob in the sky? Are they saying I’m fat? F--k them, totally not stopping crime tonight!”
(Batman runs off crying, flapping hands like a school girl.)
Justice League #20
Written by Geoff Johns | Art by Gene Ha, Joe Prado
Dave: Since when did J’onn get ribbing on his head? He looks like a dildo.
Jordan: People make the silliest of faces when trying to look threatening.
Sean: This comic brought to you by the American Dental Association.
Russ: J’onn J’onzz: Ribbed for his/her/its/shis/[insert various Martian gender specific pronouns here]’s pleasure. Isn’t that the New 52 tagline for Martian Manhunter?
Written by Christopher Hasting | Art by Reilly Brown
Dave: Ninja Spider-Man is definitely better than Purple Arrow. Isn’t Purple Arrow what Russ calls his Mr. Winky?
Sean: It’s what I call it.
I mean, no, I have never seen Russ’ dick, nor do I call it Purple Arrow!
Ha! Oh, gay jokes. Yes, just jokes.
(Sean sighs, stares longingly at framed photo of Russ on his wall.)
Russ: Did I mention we need to fill a few new writer spots here on Adventures in Poor Taste? Send in your resumes, kids.
Dave: Thank god Obama wasn’t a zombie!
Sean: Watch out lady, your vagina is going to catch on fire!
Russ: She clearly has her priorities straight. Dodge the unrelenting gunfire or even run a mere step in the opposite direction? Hell no. Can’t let those TMZ a------s get upskirt pics!
Batman Incorporated #11
Written by Chris Burnham | Art by Jorge Lucas
Russ: What’s the matter, fella? Crimson, skin-tight leather, scarf-clad Power Ranger Fembot analogue got your tongue?
Dave: In Japan there are tongue police. Watch out muff divers!