Age of Ultron #9


age

Written by Brian Michael Bendis | Art by Carlos Pacheco & Brandon Peterson

Dave: Stop crying you wussbear! Might I remind readers, this is the same hero who, after losing the skin on his entire body, smiles. This series is trying to ruin comics!

Sean: The Wussbear. A very distinct subsection of the Bear community.

Russ: See, I’m of the opposite opinion: Marvel needs to make a definitive set of laws for Wolverine’s healing powers and then post it up as a bulletin on every writer’s wall from here on out.

Sick of seeing him regenerate from a single quark or gluon one issue and then bemoaning a chafed nipple or tennis elbow the next. I want my fictitious healing factors to have some consistency, hot dammit.


’68 Jungle Jim #3 (of 4)


68

Written Mark Kidwell | Art by Jeff Zornow

Dave: This lady needs to chill out. Zombie barbers are a very common thing in Vietnam. Have some respect for culture!

Sean: He just wants to help you with your split ends. Calm down, miss spazzy-pants.


Miss Fury #3


fury

Written by Rob Williams | Art by Jackson Herbert

Dave: You know a crotch shot is gratuitous when you can see the butt cheeks too.

Jordan: Lady! Now’s not the time to get all wet over a guy.

Sean: You say gratuitous, I say entirely necessary.

No, seriously, that’s a drawing Rob. Go get laid.


Fame: Taylor Lautner


tailor

Written by Kimberly Sherman | Art by Warren Martineck

Dave: A comic about Lautner that has no basis in reality. At least it mimics the relationship that little girls have with him in real life.

Sean: How silly.

(How did they know about my dream last night!? Oh God, I hope they don’t get to the part where he Shazamed me.)

Jordan: Shazam? Who’s saying that? Is he about to turn into Captain Marvel now? And that’s pretty high up — maybe it would have been quicker to use the door?

Russ: So this is a comic book about a Kimberly Sherman wet dream scenario involving the actor from the movie based upon Stephanie Meyer’s wet dream scenario? Taylor Lautner has officially cuckolded us menfolk in nearly every medium possible. The only thing that’s left is Angry Birds: Shirtless Taylor Lautner Edition.


Grimm Fairy Tales: Demons: The Unseen #1


demon

Written by Patrick Shand | Art by Jason Johnson

Dave: Is it just me or can we see her vagina fold? Maybe it’s skin colored underwear?

Sean: Personally, I’d wear underwear if fighting with two swords. But that’s just me.

Jordan: I wonder if that sound effect is for her spine, which seems to have snapped considering how she is twisting her body like that.


Cable and X-Force #9


cable

Written by Frank Tieri | Art by Salvador Larroca

Dave: I’ve seen Havok blast plenty of folks, but this has to be the lamest depiction yet. It starts with the effeminate hands and ends with that pathetic splash of blam.

Russ: Don’t forget the incongruous downward arc of the energy blast, one that screams “Well, fuck it. I already drew his hands up here and that’s where they’re going to stay — plasma blasts be damned!”

Sean: Is this a laundry detergent ad?


Screwed #1


screwed

Written by Tyler Kirkham, Keith Thomas | Art by David Miller

Dave: When I was four my doctor said this is where the needle would go if I didn’t stop crying.

Jordan: She should have totally went with the stick in cupcake her eye instead of needle when she promised someone something.

Sean: Damn gurl, you lookin’ fiiiynnnnne!


Polarity #3


polarity

Written by Max Bemis | Art by Jorge Coelho

Jordan: … I got nothing, this speaks for itself.

Russ: Critters reject that can’t see very well or inspired by Max Bemis’ recent trip along the trail of Ten Thousand Buddhas? You be the judge.

Dave: I thought this was gross enough considering how disgusting this nightmare fuel arm spider was. But then…

polarity2

Dave: …the scrambled eggs brains take the cake!

Sean: That’s how I see everybody.


Thanos Rising #3


thanos_rising3-mother

Written by Jason Aaron | Art by Simone Bianchi

Russ: Well, as long as you don’t develop dissociative identity disorder and start pretending to be your mother while holed up in a motel to relieve the guilt, Thanos. Being emo is bad enough.

Dave: Wow, now that you mention it Russ, that sounds like amazing idea. Just imagine Thanos wearing a crappy wig and murdering girls that stay at his intergalactic hotel!

Sean: This shit got dark real fast. Go take some antidepressants Thanos. We’re all worried about you.


Deadpool MAX 2 #1


deadpool_max-video

Written by David Lapham | Art by Kyle Baker

Dave: I like how they’re watching more in wonder than disgust.

Sean: Deadpool’s saying, “This is…let’s keep watching, I mean it’s gross but…I wanna see where they’re going with this.”

Russ: Remember kids, bestiality is never a laughing matter.

… Unless you’re fucking a hyena.


Ten Grand #2


tengrand

tengrand2

Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Ben Templesmith

Dave: That there is proof all fat people are just full of hot air! ::rimshot, sound of crying::

Sean: I just pray every night George R.R. Martin doesn’t stand too close to a flame. I think this is what would happen.

(George R.R. typing.) Tyrion ate his…
(A friend comes in.) “Hey George, want a cigar?”
(Man lights match.) KA-BOOM!