Man of Steel Review: As Bad as Superman 64
18 Jun, 2013
I had originally hoped my title for this review would be “How Can Anyone Hate this Movie?”. But things don’t always go as planned… (Before we continue, I just want to start by saying this review will be littered with spoilers. I tell you this now because this movie was such a piece of garbage you shouldn’t even care.)
Why do people keep giving these rash directors films to ruin? Of all the people Christopher Nolan chooses, he picks the man who brought you Sucker Punch. It’s like continuing to give M. Night Shyamalan work; it just doesn’t add up. They are clearly so out of touch with how to pull together a great movie, even with the unlimited resources Hollywood has to offer.
Here’s a tip, Snyder: Pull your goddamn camera back like, a foot, maybe even two feet, for like one shot of the movie. This whole thing was filmed in closeups/medium closeups and it gets old real quick. I would love to see Superman kick ass from a distance, have a conversation, hell, take a dump for that matter without the camera being inches from his face (or rectum?) at all times. Let me see him fly over land from 100 feet away so I can really grasp how fast he’s going. Not every fight has to be done close up, let me see them duke it out for a minute without doing a camera change every second on every intricate move. We get it, you have to establish the coffee pot was put back. The only other cool camera angle Snyder does is starting far back and zooming in while following a spaceship/Superman (Which is clearly stolen from Battlestar Galactica. You know the one I’m talking about.)
I start with this because it is one of the few things good about this movie. Alex McDowell, I tip my hat to you. Krypton looked phenomenal and was very lifelike, especially in 3D (Although Man of Steel in 3D was pointless, but more on that later). The Kent farm overlooking the fields was beautiful, and even the city as it was being destroyed was incredible. I think the art department and special effects really came together to create fantastic destructible sets. Mix that with Amir Mokri’s cinematography and you’ve got some outstanding looking shots. In hindsight, this is what deceived me into thinking Man of Steel was going to be a good movie.
Hey Lara, just woke up from my nap and…OH MY GOD!
My one complaint here is the Kryptonian spaceships. Its the same old ugly ship we’ve been seeing since Galaxy Quest. They could have done something new and unique but decided to pull their cruisers right out of Battleship.
Even I wouldn’t be caught dead in that.
The new suit was great, although I don’t understand why Jor-El would choose a different color scheme from anything you saw anyone wear on Krypton, but you really can’t expect logic from this movie. One great idea to come out of this was explaining Superman’s “S” symbol as a family crest. Every Kryptonian had their own suit emblazoned with their design. Kal-El’s just happened to look like the English letter “S” (Why does an alien race speak ‘Murican by the way?). I also don’t see why everything owned by Jor-El had to have an S on it.
Sure, Henry Cavill looked the part, but he really wasn’t a good actor. Especially having him do his 17 year-old angsty teen self made me giggle in embarrassment. Amy Adams is pretty meh, and you don’t really care about her or their relationship for that matter. Michael Shannon (General Zod) was pretty un-intimidating and I couldn’t get over how stupid his children’s haircut was. Russell Crowe (Jor-El) was THE WORST and should have been recast after the first day of shooting. I was happy when I thought we wouldn’t have to put up with him when Krypton blows, but lo and behold, he continues to haunt us as a hologram. Ayelet Zurer who plays his wife is also much too dramatic in all the wrong ways. Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent should have been good, but he was just kind of a dick. I also don’t understand why they insist on killing Jonathan to save a fucking dog from a tornado and why fucking SUPERMAN doesn’t just go and save him but instead watches from afar while giving us his best Darth Vader impersonation.
Diane Lane as Martha wasn’t bad.
Did you just insult my acting abilities?
Unless you can figure out a way I don’t have to wear glasses, this feature only has a few more years left in it. It darkens the screen and I can’t watch the non 3D parts (which is 90% of any movie) because the quality looks like shit without the guise of the glasses. Most movies start out strong in 3D and always fade into obscurity. Watching Jor-El ride his dragon around Krypton was about the only memorable 3D moment. Who needs to watch a close up of a conversation with the background slightly in a different plane of reference. I will say though George Clooney’s upcoming film Gravity looks spectacular in 3D and will probably be one of the few movies worth seeing this way. It literally had me nervous, a presence I’ve not felt since….
Holy shitballs, where do I even begin? Well, the beginning I guess. WHO FUCKING PUTS TERRORISTS IN A SHIP IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION WHEN YOUR WORLD IS BLOWING UP?! Oh, everything is coming to an end? How about we keep the bad guys alive and give them our only means of escape. And what happened to them being shot into a black hole? They just completely gave up on that aspect of their punishment. Shoot em in the head, come up with a different storyline. David Goyer, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself for writing this drivel. No one in a million years, no Neanderthal traversing prehistoric Earth would buy this as rational thought.
Can I also just say I fucking hate coincidence? It is hands down the worst way to explain a story, and this movie is riddled with it. Why is Lois Lane always where Clark is? Discover a ship for the first time? Oh, here I am. Government is meeting with extraterrestrial life in the desert? Look who it is! Superman flies across the city to defeat General Zod? Good thing Lois shows up just in the nick of time (and does nothing). Even as a nine-year-old saving a bus filled with children she happens to be there. After a while I started to think Lois is a figment of Clark’s imagination he can never escape from. Speaking of Lois…why did Colonel Hardy (from here on out known as Colonel Mo-mo) trust a random reporter with the location of a goddamn alien ship?! AND THEN SEND ONLY HER INTO IT. It just doesn’t make sense people. Zod and his goons should have pretended to be peaceful to trick Clark into giving them what they want, but instead immediately plays their trump card.
Come out with your hands up or we’ll blow your dick off!
Oh, and get this: as Zod is watching Lara shoot Kal-El into space he sits there and wines about how she can’t do it because Clark carries the only means to bringing back their race, and after she hits the go button, he then decides to pull out his Baraka blades and start fucking shit up. Come on man, not even two minutes ago you could have kept your mouth shut and just killed her, taken what you wanted and still had time to hit up Pinkberry on the way out.
This is the widest shot in the whole film.
Although very seldom, there was some good bits of this movie. Like Clark Kent learning to fly for the first time. Seeing him stumble and then realize he’s literally the second coming of Christ was something we’ve all dreamed of. Also the final showdown with Zod. Of any scene in this movie you should actually watch, it’s that one.
- Okay fight sequences
- Fantastic CG
- Solid cinematography
- Idiotic story progression
- Bland character development
- Bad acting
Best Line of the film: Mrs. Kent: “Nice suit, Clark.”
Worst Line of the film (three-way tie!):
Colonel Mo-mo: “He’s on our side.” Yeah, no shit.
Captain Keep-it-in-your-pants: “Well, he’s really hot” Very professional Captain, very professional.
General Zod: “Release the world engine!” If you had said Kraken, I may have taken you seriously.