Panels in Poor Taste: 6/21/13 – Nipples of Gold and Zebra Steaks AiPT! June 21, 2013 Comic Books, Panels in Poor Taste Welcome to our 22nd Panels In Poor Taste. Wait, you already knew that? We’re flattered. Wait, you only knew that because you’re wondering how a group of so-called “adults” can gather the most filth-ridden, smut-infested comic book panels week in and week out and still expect some kind of commendation for it? Well thanks just the same. And if it helps you sleep at night, keep using that excuse. We know deep down you really love us. Ya jerks. This week, Killer Croc meets a Xenomorph he doesn’t like, Deja Thoris has HPV and Bloodshot asks for his arm back. Vampirella Strikes #6 Written by Tom Sniegoski | Art by Johnny DeJardins Dave: “Hey Johnny, that panel you drew at the top with the zombies, it’s kind of boring, anyway to make it pop?” “Sure Tom, why not a close up of one of Vampirella’s bloobs?” “That’s gold Johnny, GOLD! Here comes my Pulitzer!” ”Ba-zinga!” Sean: Did she take her top off in the bottom panel? I can’t see any practical purpose to that. Russ: Considering Vampirella’s bra size, taking her top off is like gaining an extra set of fists. Volleyball-sized fists. A+X #9 Written by Nathan Edmondson & David Lapham | Art by Humberto Ramos Dave: For a story called “Animal Cruelty” I think I know who the real villains are. Sean: “Wait, we just want to help you find the cav.. UGH!” Bloodshot #12 Written by Duane Swierczynski | Art by Barry Kitson Dave: At what point do Bloodshot’s healing powers go from cool to comical? I’d reckon when people throw him his own limbs as a favor. Then again, it works great against genital rot. Sean: It’s kind of over for the moment, dude. Take a fucking breather. Batwoman (2011-) #21 Written by W. Haden Blackman & J.H. Williams III | Art by Francesco Francavilla Dave: If this was a new Killer Croc power I’m pretty sure he’d be 200% cooler and 300% bitier. Jordan: Even in Gotham, you cannot escape the Xenomorphs. Sean: Killers of the Killer Croc. Russ: So if Killer Croc is getting mistreated… does PETA get pissed? Or the Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights? ::dramatic music plays:: Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris #26 Written by Robert Placenapton | Art by Carlos Rafael Dave: Stop looking so maniacally happy to see her! Don’t you know how many STD’s run through her veins? She’s raped by aliens of all colors every other month! You don’t want Green Men From Mars HPV, let me tell you. Two words… taint maggots. Jordan: So did she glue those things onto her breasts, because I’m not seeing any other way how they should be staying on. Sean: Maybe she has: Nipples of Gold. If that isn’t already a Strip Club, someone make it happen. Russ: I just took a loan out for a comic book based strip club. You guys can thank me later… when we’re rolling around in piles of money. And nerd musk. ::cue Rihanna’s “Pour It Up”:: Animal Man (2011-) #21 Dave: Hot dog factory or Tim Burton petting zoo? Either way, price check on zebra scrote! Jordan: PETA’s worst nightmare come to life! Sean: Animal Man, I thought you were supposed to like animals! Russ: Note to Jordan: We’re only allowed to mention PETA once per Panels in Poor Taste. I already filled that quota. This is your final warning. (I don’t want them to kill my parakeet, Petey.) Also… anyone else in the mood for a medium-rare zebra steak? Judge Dredd Year One #3 Written by Matt Smith | Art by Simon Coleby & Greg Staples Dave: The man just wanted the Twinkie that was in your pocket Dredd. Oh, that’s not a Twinkie? Somebody likes it rough. [snicker] Jordan: So this is a subtle hint to Dredd that he should shower or something? Sean: Bum Fights just got real. Wild Blue Yonder #1 Written by Austin Harrison and Mike Raicht | Art by Zach Howard Dave: This is also a surprisingly effective way to open a can of diced tomatoes. If, of course, you want your tomatoes murdered. Cable and X-Force #10 Written by Dennis Hopeless | Art by Salvador Larroca Dave: I don’t know what’s more bizarre here, the fact that Hopeless is ripping off Men In Black or that this alien shopkeep carries X-Men comics. Jordan: Speaking of which, an X-Men comic within an X-Men comic? X-Menception! Sean: I prefer Hola myself. HitThisJeffery Vampirella better watch her ass. That Hell Hound caught a whiff of her Skunk Bunker and is starting to get the shakes. I’d recommend just letting him finish. I hear their fallaces have barbs I’m gonna have to agree with Dave on this one, Deja Thoris’ Ham Wallet is riddled with scabies and warts. The worst part though is the Blue Waffle. Shit’s fucked. BrutallyHonest Googled “blue waffle” a few years ago. Didn’t go near girlfriend for a week out of shame due to not being able to maintain an erection.