Panels in Poor Taste: 6/28/13 – No Sex in the Sarcophagus AiPT! June 28, 2013 Comic Books, Panels in Poor Taste Age of Ultron #10AI Written by Mark Waid | Art by Andre Araujo Dave: “I’m sorry honey, but I’ve got AIDS. Believe me when I tell you I was faithful, I’ve just been punching tweakers in the brain is all…you gotta believe me!” Sean: That’s my nickname for my boozy goodness. Brain Punch. Russ: So you’re telling me you can contract AIDS from brain punching? I’ve got to be more careful. Jordan: Well as long as you consulted your doctor, I’m sure what you did was perfectly safe. Patrick: Good lord his face is haunting. Why does he have to look exactly like one of the Hardly Boys from South Park? “I’m getting a raging clue right now! Hand me a tissue, quick!” Grimm Fairy Tales #86 Written by Patrick Shand | Art by Ricardo Osnaya Dave: Where do these women keep their internal organs? Sean: In their boobs. Jordan: No no, it’s a combination of both her boobs, hips, and thighs. Batman: The Dark Knight (2011-) #21 Written by Gregg Hurwitz | Art by Ethan Van Sciver Dave: No wench, Batman wanted to secretly sleep with a boneless creature like you. Sean: You have to be careful when you lounge on the piano to sing sultry jazz. Sometimes, it’ll cost ya. Jordan: Hey, you fell onto a spotlight! Where did all of those piano keys come from? Dave: They said this is what would happen if you ate too many jawbreakers, but somebody didn’t listen. Sean: Jawsome. Jordan: Batman always throws the best Falcon punches. Vampirella #30 Written by Brandon Jerwa | Art by Heubert Khan Michael Dave: What an inappropriate costume for outer space! Why does the dude get to wear baggy clothes? She can’t get something that isn’t so form fitting that her underboob area becomes a sweat sponge? Sean: What’s with the design above her crotch? Is that where they put her communicator? Russ: To answer Sean’s question: “Vagina monologue, stardate 6969.9. Our destination is the planet Mianus.” The rest of the transmission is just the sound of lady parts rubbing up against white spandex. Jordan: Again, another woman shopped at the same store Catwoman got her 90’s uniform from! That business must do well. Uncanny X-Force Vol. 2 #7 Written by Sam Humphries | Art by Adrian Alphona, Dalibor Talajic Dave: Now we’re talking! A mutant themed sex dungeon in Madripoor complete with female versions of male heroes! Now that’s what I call kink. Sean: Been there, done Wolverina. Russ: Damn, that must be one hell of a shoulder rub mustachioed Gilbert Gottfried is getting from Cyclopea. Jordan: Now kids, this is what we call Rule 63: “for every fictional character, there exists a counterpart of opposite gender.” The more you know. Lazarus #1 Written by Greg Rucka | Art by Michael Lark Dave: Lark sure makes this felt. Before every moment there’s a moment…and it’s a meaty one. Sean: And that’s why you don’t bring a sledgehammer to a knife fight. Idiot. Jordan: Damn, you popped his red dyed water balloon underneath his shirt! How else do you explain the blood exploding out of him? Sex #4 Written by Joe Casey | Art by Piotr Kowalski Dave: I don’t get why this dude looks so odd. Is he supposed to be wrinkly or is it a skin disease? Either way it makes the sex in Sex no bueno. Sean: Is she blowing a mummy? Jordan: If so, she should return him back to his sarcophagus in the city’s local museum before they notice he’s missing. Russ: The only person to take Kanye’s spit, “Have you ever had sex with a pharaoh?/ I put the pussy in a sarcophagus” literally. Patrick: I don’t read this comic. Why is a leprous Mahatma Gandhi getting blown in a sauna? King Conan: Hour of the Dragon #2 Written by Timothy Truman | Art by Tomás Giorello Dave: Rule number 47.5 of battle. Do not ever kill a man’s sex squire. Their weakness shall not be a threat to you or any man unless you consider ruby star fruit a threat. Sean: “My most powerful bottom, NOOOOOO!” Jordan: Wow, that guy’s head is quite intact for taking a hit like that. People were certainly tougher back in olden times.