Written by Max Bemis | Art by Jorge Coelho
Dave: Crack: The new superhero power-up for kids.
Patrick: Love the handy caption explaining exactly what the crack pipe is. All that’s missing is a step by step instruction of how to perfectly prepare your crackrocks, written in easy to understand language for kids.
The Superior Foes of Spider-Man #1
Written by Nick Spencer | Art by Steve Lieber
Dave: Pretty sure cultists might take umbrage with this.
Pat: “Why does everybody automatically assume it’s a sex thing? …….But yes, it’s a sex thing.”
Russ: On a good note: Dude doesn’t seem very alarmed, just lounging there in his tighty whiteys, pistol pointed at the floor all lackadaisical-like. Guess “sex things” with strangely garbed cultists who bust into your bedroom at night is no reason for alarm after all.
Next Testament #2
Written by Clive Barker, Mark Miller | Art by Haemi Jang
Dave: Wow, don’t tell any Christian fundamentalists about this book.
Jordan: As a Christian, I find this too silly to take serious. Also, Father of Colors? Does he run Crayola?
Dave: Or people who appreciate good head.
Patrick: Man, all Jesus could do was turn some water into hooch. This guy has way cooler superpowers.
Russ: I imagine this guy won’t just walk on water… but breakdance over it as well. Pretentious whore.
Written by Joe Brusha | Art by Rolando
Dave: I get that Dorothy is a farm girl, but must she wear cowboy boots? I guess the tied off shirt and short shorts aren’t slutty enough.
Jordan: Oops, I’m sorry. I think I picked up the porno spoof of Oz by mistake.
Pat: Well, it’s Zenescope, aren’t they all porno spoofs?
Russ: At least we’ll have one hell of a time watching her click her heels together three times.
Also, does the artist simply go by Rolando because he’s trying to emulate Prince or is he just straight up ashamed to use his family name?
What If? AVX #1
Written by Jimmy Palmiotti | Art by Jorge Molina
Dave: : Remember the days when comics were only allowed to show a stabbing by having the clothes cover the exit wound ala Elektra’s demise? Not today! Now with even more blood splatter!
Pat: Wolverine looks so concerned: “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you saying anything? Or breathing? GOD DON’T BE SUCH A CHICK TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG, BUB!”
Deadpool Kills Deadpool #1
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Salvador Espin
Dave: Where is his half-cut penis? It’s an honest question!
Sean: Come on, Deadpool! Now there’s no way he can repeat what he said earlier.
Russ: Using “It’s an honest question!” to postlude your question doesn’t make you any less of a sex offender, Dave.
Action Comics (2011-) #22
Written by Scott Lobdell | Art by Tyler Kirkham
Dave: The New 52 Superman has a brand new power called douchebaggery. Pretty sure knowingly destroying a room full of iPads is a crime.
Pat: Supes is taking techie fanboyism to a whole ‘nother level.
Jordan: Seems like he is reverting back to the start of the Superman: Grounded era with this level of douche.
Batman Incorporated #12
Written by Grant Morrison | Art by Chris Burnham
Russ: It takes a lot to disgust the hell out of a guy like Batman; someone who deals with deranged criminals and violent sociopaths on an hourly basis.
Not going to lie, the one-eyed, bald clone baby head atop the hulking Heretic’s body made me both cringe and question all that was sacred in this world also. Nice job Morrison and Chris Burnham for bringing this disgusting aberration to life.
Dave: It’s bothering me how young this man child’s face looks. Somebody needs to work on the advanced aging techniques of clones.