Grimm Fairy Tales: Demons #2


ons2
Written by Pat Shand | Art by Jason Johnson

Dave: Anyone interested in grannie demon porn has come to the right place. Look no further than the lower left corner.

Sean: Man, The Golden Girls lost they damn minds!

Russ: Have some respect, Dave. We prefer to call it “Mature, cultivated, octogenarian hellfiend fornicating.” Also, Bea and Betty are looking fantastic. I’ll uh… be right back. Ten minutes tops.


Uncanny X-Men Vol. 3 #8


x-men-balls
Written by Brian Bendis | Art by Chris Bachalo

Dave: Coincidentally the top panel features the same noises I make when I poop. FACT.

Jordan: Oh I’m sorry. Your poor father just got attacked by spherical turd-colored bubbles (that you discharged) and asks a question because he’s simply concerned and confused. Also you destroyed the place. Then you have the nerve to lash out at him. Kids these days. They’re pricks.

Sean: “Just deal with it dad! I make honking noises when I shit, and big round bouncy balls come out of my ass! I’m here, I shit bouncy balls that make clown nose noises, get used to it!”


Batman #22


batman22-slap
Written by Scott Snyder | Art by Greg Capullo

Dave: Don’t nobody diss a butler and not feel his cold, wet white glove of DOOM!

Jordan: So this is where Batman learned how to hit people that were bugging him.

Sean: Alfred is gangsta. Alfred don’t take no shit.

Russ: Keep the butler pimp hand strong, Pennyworth my dude.


Supurbia: Ongoing #9


zombie-bear
Written by Grace Randolph | Art by Russell Dauterman

Dave: I heard terrible parents have been asking for this feature in their teddy bears since Teddy Roosevelt invented these toys. FACT.

Sean: But how did Lint Zeppelin lose his eye in the first place? I think that little girl better watch her back. “An eye for an eye,” as the laws of the Teddy Bear picnic clearly state.

“An eye for an eye,” was from the Teddy Bear Picnic. FACT.


’68: Jungle Jim #4


jungle-jim-foam
Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jeff Zornow

Dave: : We get it. She’s a zombie. The eyes and rotting flesh are enough. Do we really need ogre taint pustule spittle too?

Jordan: Will someone get this poor woman a napkin?

Sean: That’s why you don’t go down on Slimer.

Russ: Madonna before Photoshop. I’d still hit it.


Superior Spider-Man #13


superiorspiderman-murder
Written by Dan Slott | Art by Giuseppe Camuncoli

Dave: To all the folks outraged Superman killed in the latest movie witness Spider-Man killing his SECOND victim in the last 3 months.

Sean: Is Spider-Man secretly the Punisher now?


Quantum and Woody #1


quantum_woody-pee
Written by James Asmus | Art by Tom Fowler

Dave: Who pees in the tub on purpose? At a hookup’s house no less?

Pat: That’s how the Europeans do it, Dave. God, you’re such a pleb.

Sean: He even has to crane his neck harder to watch the cartoon while pissing in the tub, and he still does it. True skill, ladies and gentlemen.


Six Gun Gorilla #2


sixgungorilla-headsnap
Written by Simon Spurrier | Art by Jeff Stokely

Dave: Some people use the term “retard strength” but I think we can all agree “gorilla strength” is much more badass.

Russ: What about… retard gorilla strength? ::cue dramatic music and sound of lawsuit paperwork being shuffled::

Dave: Mind blown.

Sean: It’s actually Intellectually Disabled Great Ape Strength, thank you very, very much.

What are you people, gaytarded?

Russ: Note to self for next AiPT office party: Get Intellectually Disabled Great Ape. Affix boxing gloves to its enormous ape fists. Lock Sean in a room with it. Film the whole thing.