Fathom: The Elite Saga #5
Written by Vince Hernandez | Art by V. Marion
Dave: I wonder if there’s a big clock on the wall of every female superheroes homebase that reads, “Days since last tentacle attack”? I’m pretty sure most wouldn’t go past 20 days.
Sean: Just a bikini apparently.
Patrick: Proper cover? Humility? An archetypical slutty female heroine needs not these things.
Hellraiser: The Dark Watch #6
Written by Clive Barker, Brandon Seifert | Art by Tom Garcia
Dave: I do adore a good obese genital glow.
Sean: DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT!
Patrick: Good lord. Somehow more unsettling than Eraserhead. Bravo.
Russ: So there really is a team with a less impressive line-up than the Great Lakes Avengers. Shameful.
Fantastic Four Vol. 4 #10
Written by Matt Fraction | Art by Mark Bagley
Dave: I suppose she’s lucky her underwear is somehow anti-invisibility. Now that’d scar her kids. The vaginal tears Franklin made makes one wonder if he had a stick of dynamite to go with those meaty digits of his.
Sean: That underwear has fused to her muscle fibers. Fascinating.
Patrick: We can rebuild her. We have the technology. And the four pounds of silicone needed to reconstruct her rockin’ chest beefers.
Russ: Well this sates the curiosity I expressed to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago: “And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during Fantastic Four and I found myself wondering what color Sue’s underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they’re silk panties, maybe it’s a thong. Maybe it’s something really cool that I don’t even know about.”
Superior Carnage #1
Written by Kevin Shinick | Art by Stephen Segovia
Dave: Who comes up with these sound effects? Would he really be making a cannonball into pool sound?
Sean: Oh damn, he splooshed all over the place!
Patrick: Oh come on, no Archer fans? “I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.”
Thor: God of Thunder #10
Written by Jason Aaron | Art by Esad Ribic
Dave: You know you’re one of Thor’s favorites when he makes out with your eye socket.
Sean: That’s hot.
Russ: Suddenly all that Evander Holyfield squawking about “Illegal biting” and “Losing the soft, pendulous part of my lower external ear” seems kinda needless. At least Thor didn’t masticate his damn eyeball.
Blood Brothers #1
Written by Mike Gagerman Andrew Waller | Art by Evan Shaner
Sean: Oh that Michelangelo! Rapscallion of the reach-around.
Dave: Clearly there are a lack of beds, everyone is doing it standing up, so good on Michelangelo for trying to bring some comfort to his fellow man.
Patrick: I always knew Michelangelo was a filthy pariah. Call it a hunch.
Thanos Rising #4
Written by Jason Aaron | Art by Simone Bianchi
Dave: I told her to take it all off and boy was I taken literally.
Russ: Marvel needs to make an after school special about the “dangers of dating a guy with necrophilia.” Think of all the kids they can enlighten.
Written by Gerry Duggan, Brian Posehn | Art by Scott Koblish
Russ: It’s decided then. This is what I dress as when AiPT goes to the next Comic-Con. Thus, a live action Pimp-Pool was born.
Dave: I’m pretty sure stars should be brandished on more clothing these days. What’s wrong with stars!?
Russ: If only Peter Berg had been reading Deadpool back in the 70s.
Dave: Clearly Deadpool’s healing factor doesn’t work on his beans and franks. How else do you explain his lack of a functioning mojo?