Panels in Poor Taste: 7/26/13 – Spider-Pimp and Varicose Veins AiPT! July 26, 2013 Comic Books, Panels in Poor Taste Fridays are days to drop work and run, not walk, from your job without the fear of being fired. It’s the only day that works that way. Just like Fridays at AiPT, where we drop all expectations of being upstanding citizens to deliver to you our thoughts on the best panels in poor taste of the week. Witchblade #168 Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Diego Bernard Dave: Instead of abstinence-only sex education I suggest middle schools just show this to school boys and say, “This is what the girl’s naughty parts look like.” Presto, underage sex is no longer a problem! Jordan: Whoa, I think someone needs to call a doctor for that poor wall. Russ: And I thought Alien: Resurrection was the funeral dirge of the series. Now you lay this shit on me? Alex: You have to sing to it on approach, to help it relax. It’s no fun to deal with one of these when its all tense and apprehensive. Sean: At least its clitoris is easy to find. It usually tries to bite you. Wolverine and the X-Men #33 Written by Jason Aaron | Art by Nick Bradshaw Dave: If you’re going to be a bad mutant I guess drowning your enemies in snot isn’t a terrible way to go about killing. Just don’t expect Mystique to look in your direction! Jordan: Snot powers? He must have been a hit in elementary school. Sean: Gesundheit. Russ: Pfft. Pale imitation. Dude’s got nothing on the legendary Paste Pot Pete. Uncanny Avengers #10 Written by Rick Remender | Art by Daniel Acuna Dave: If you ever wanted to see Wolverine burst out of a giant jelly bean…your wish is granted! Russ: Marvel’s new “Pregnancy and Childbirth” instructional comics are off to a load-dropping good start with Wolverine SNIKTing his way out of the amniotic sac. Whoever said learning about amniocentesis couldn’t be fun is an asshole! Sean: Man, they are really playing it fast and loose with Wolverine’s origin story on this one… GFT Hunters #3 Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Marco Itri Dave: Care to see what a living jack in the box looks like? Look no further! Jordan: And by free, I mean of all your organs of course. Alex: “You’re already dead forgotten god….” SPLUTTCH. Kenshiro Would be proud. Sean: “Yes, rest easy, after all of the excruciating, agonizing pain of having your insides bust out of you like a scared sea cucumber. Then, though, you’ll be quite peaceful.” What If? AVX #3 (of 4) Written by Jimmy Palmiotti | Art by Jorge Molina Dave: Imagine Emma wasn’t made of diamonds but blood and guts and this is a pretty horrific shot. On top of that, the Phoenix force had the gall to give Hope, a teenager, the breasts of a porn star. Life ain’t fair! Sean: Those are beautiful. Like diamonds in the…clothes? Batman: The Dark Knight (2011-) #22 Written by Gregg Hurwitz | Art by Alex Maleev Dave: Clayface protip #42: make your face so disgusting nobody will want to I.D. you to the cops. Jordan: Clayface has been hanging around with Joker too much these days. Russ: Honey Boo Boo’s mom really let herself go, huh? Even more than before. Sean: Well, that’s what happens when you sneeze that much, Mama June! Hawkeye Annual #1 Written by Matt Fraction | Art by Javier Pulido Dave: I think those lines are supposed to be sheets of water, but it looks like cracks. Yuck. Jordan: Oh crap, she’s starting to break apart! Quick, get the glue! Russ: You want to talk about poor taste: It’s way too soon for an Amy Winehouse heroin binge biographical comic. Shame on you Fraction and Pulido. Alex: This is why you don’t cut your hair in a pool. Sean: If you have a varicose vein fetish, then tada! Superior Spider-Man #14 Written by Dan Slott | Art by Humberto Ramos Dave: Gangster Pro Tip #23: Always make sure your cronies lived a good life before viciously snapping their necks. Without following this tip you will need to see a psychiatrist once a week like Tony Soprano. Jordan: No, he’s just upset that Smedley is copying his look. Alex: This is how he fires his doubles. Sean: Does it really make sense to kill one of your most valuable employees? Double Barrel #11 Written by Tim Sievert | Art by Tim Sievert Dave: Being digested by a giant lizard may look awful… Dave: …but when it only requires a spear to the eye to be released? Cake. Sean: Please don’t mention food, Dave. Superior Spider-Man Team-Up #1 Written by Christopher Yost | Art by David Lopez Russ: See, Superior Spider-Man ain’t such a bad guy. He’s even a zealous practitioner of the Equal Rights Amendment—as can be seen by his full-on, unmitigated knuckle smash of Dagger’s grill piece. Women don’t deserve pulled punches! Dave: No Cloak, it wasn’t in control. A woman flapping her lips is utter chaos. Not until we shut the woman up do we reach Man Zen. Sean: Spiderpimp, Spiderpimp, bitch bettah not give him no lip. He’ll punch a trick, in the face. Spiderpimp don’t give a fuck, he’ll keep her in her place. Look out! Spiderpimp gonna smack a biaaaaaaaaatch.