Sure, some people might shake their head in disdain at the fact that we pore over every comic book each week, carefully selecting the most detestable panels therein. It’s a ghoulish job… but somebody’s gotta do it!
Also, screw those people for judging us.
Uncanny Avengers #12
Written by Rick Remender | Art by Salvador Larroca
Dave: Oh man, he’s totally grounded for this one.
Russ: “Kill your sister because she’s making you have dirty thoughts.” What is this, Afghanistan?
If you had slapped a burqa on Eimin then this sad act of siblicide could have been avoided, Kang the Conqueror, you Liberal pigdog.
Executive Assistant: Assassins #15
Written by Vince Hernandez | Art by Lori Hanson
Dave: Let her answer dammit! Can’t you see you’re choking her? It’s right there in the word bubble!
Jordan: Not only is he choking the very life from her… but he’s a sexist jerk as well! The nerve of that man.
Jupiter’s Legacy #3
Written by Mark Millar | Art by Frank Quitely
Dave: It looks like overkill when it comes to killing a superhero, but they still missed the arrow…to the knee. ::rimshot::
Sam: This is why you don’t run with scissors, kids.
Jordan: I don’t think they used enough sharp, pointy objects. Get some kitchen knives in on this action!
Russ: What my girlfriend would have done to that nanny that David Beckham porked had I been the one taking her for a bologna pony ride.
Superman #23.4: Featuring Parasite
Written and drawn by Aaron Kuder
Dave: Hey, I’m excited he’s doing films now that his governorship is over, but can Arnold PLEASE lay off the HGH. It’s starting to show in his calf tentacles.
Sam: Why are his nipples white and on the top of his pecs?
Jordan: The ugly truth about steroid addiction, Sam. Lay off the juice, young man.
Russ: Strangely similar to why Dave stopped going to the gym. He told his wife that everyone was always “Pink, swollen and screaming.” Double entendre regretfully intended.
Todd, the Ugliest Kid on Earth #5
Written by Ken Kristensen | Art by M.K. Perker
Dave: I’m thinking Golden Girl-ize all the heroes, stick them in a small house and let them talk about all the awkward sex they have.
Russ: I thought the New 52 already filled that quota? ::rimshot::
Batman #23.4: Featuring Bane
Written by Peter Tomasi | Art by Graham Nolan
Dave: Inappropriate racking of weight! 500 pushups Bane.
Jordan: Bah, Bane’s just showing off his knowledge of physics again. Nerd!
Russ: You won’t call Bane that to his face, Jordan.
Bane’s just wilin’ out because that camouflage-pants dude “accidentally” teabagged him while giving him a spot on the bench. What do you mean that’s never happened to you guys? For a while there I thought it was standard gym practice.
Sex Criminals #1
Written by Matt Fraction | Art by Chip Zdarsky
Dave: Dammit! I was taking notes and they have to cut away from the Three-Second Rule Taco…I hear that’s Russ’ finisher.
Jordan: If there was ever time for a “Do not try this at home” warning, now would not be the time.
Russ: Aha! The Three-Second Rule Taco is actually my opener. My finisher is more like the Turkish Snowcone these days. (Please don’t look that up.)
Note to self: Time to upgrade to a Dutch microwave. Those crazy Nederlanders have really mastered the art of fine cuisine.
Another note to self: Ignore the grotesque implications that come with Dave so closely tracking my sexual activities and expertise.
Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Jenny Frison, Mike Norton
Dave: This is what we all think is gonna happen when someone says, “Oh, stray eyelash” and reaches to pluck it for you. And it’s exactly what will happen!
Jordan: Pluck? That’s an interesting sound effect for jabbing one’s finger into an eye socket.
Russ: Is that little blonde girl really making guitar wailing sound effects after having savagely clawed that woman’s eyeball out? How fucking metal of her.
Written by Brian Vaughan | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: A rite of passage for all children in the Brooke household.
Jordan: Oh, great. Bill let Grandpa hold the baby again.
Clive Barker’s Next Testament #4
Written by Clive Barker, Mark Miller | Art by Haemi Jang
Dave: For a guy who claims he’s God he sure is good at finding excuses to destroy people in spectacular blood geysers.
Jordan: Yes, people need to be reminded of where exactly every single organ and bone is in their bodies. Who you think is going to tell them that otherwise? Scientists? Nuts to that.
Russ: So does anything happen in this comic book besides page after page of Waverider exploding the fuck out of people or has Clive Barker gone senile/phoned it in already?
Caption Contest Winner From 9/20/2013: SolidOak!
Congratulations to SolidOak. We prefer Giant Sequoias ourselves, but the Lorax himself would beam with pride at your shared love of botany.
SolidOak: Where’s the chocolate center?
This Week’s Panels in Poor Taste Caption Contest
Each week, we provide a panel in need of a caption. You, the reader, submit your caption in the comments section below, and AiPT readers vote for their favorite. The captions with the most upvotes will win, and your panel will appear in next week’s edition of Panels in Poor Taste.
Rat Queens #1
Written by Kurtis Wiebe | Art by John Upchurch
Enter your caption in the comments below!