Stand with me if you wish to live.

Behind my shield whose face is an enormous skull mantled in flame. A shield that has fended the ire of giants, demon hunters, deranged sons of kings and malign demigods.

Behind my vast bulk and fur and great swiping claws.

Behind runeblades that teem with dark energy, behind whirling nimbi of bones.

Behind Holy Auras that gleam only for the good and honest.

paladin_tank

To protect you is my duty. My glory.

Though I may sway or falter, I will never yield. I am the great tree that sways in a storm and never breaks. The wall of iron that rusts and never crumbles.

Swords shatter across my crested helm of dragonscales. Spears bend into my bonetusk pauldrons. Arrows rattle from my volcano-forged chestpiece. The very earth trembles beneath my greaves.

The enemies’ eyes will burn hot as coals with baleful intent but they will see only me — for you shall know no harm. This, I pledge.

So when the great burning shadow washes over us or the Old Lords and their creatures-at-arms slink forth from the dark recesses, stand by me; whose task is to stand tall and war-like in the face of any danger.

draenei_protector_wow

Who glares upon void terrors and daemons and doomlords as a mongoose glareth at a venomous snake.

Let us storm strongholds monstrous as mountains until they lay slantwise and smoking to the sky. Let us leave castles windowless, walls crumpled, courtyards empty and vine-strangled.

Let those who would commit atrocities curse and tremble at our mere approach.

For my unyielding aegis I ask only for your respect. Your camaraderie. For though I am not selfish I revel in my ability to take on legions of foes that would fell any other opponent.

To duck and parry past flailing limbs and necromancers’ dark magicks with the adroitness of a plate-armored Muhammad Ali.

That quick. That arrogant. Spouting such one liners as, “They call you trash mobs for a reason,” and “I’ve blocked harder tail whips from a Skumblade Saurok who just rolled around all day in a pile of his own Quivering Filth.”

female_warrior_tank_wow

And, what’s that? Did one of the DPS just tell me to slow down? Is he burning down a different target than the one I’m on? He’s telling me I “can’t hold aggro for shit?”

How dare that punk bitch disrespect me, the vaunted meat shield?

And… now the healer just let me die. What in the actual fuck? Having no mana is not an excuse. He’d have mana if this DPS could actually kill something. A tank as mighty as I should never wipe.

That’s it: I’m AFKing. Have fun waiting around another 30 minutes in queue for a different tank, ungrateful dipshits.

About The Author

Russ Whiting

Russ has been writing for leisure in some shape or form since he was in third grade; making crudely fashioned novellas about abominable snowmen, murderous penguins, generic Phantom of the Opera ripoffs, and time travelers inexplicably wearing motorcycle helmets to sell to his fellow students when every other boy his age was presumably catching frogs, kissing girls and being normal. He enjoys self-deprecating humor, roaring like a savage primate for no good reason, reading about various cultures’ creation myths, and origami (of his own penis).

  • SteveTheSocketWrenchNeidhart

    That’s it… I’m dusting off the ol’ sword and board and becoming a tank again.

  • Vindican

    He pretty much nailed it. Especially in today’s environment. Excellent writing, too!

  • Weathervane

    Awesome. I was already queuing up my “you pull it, you tank it” bit before I got to the end of the mantra but I think the guy covered that. Ha.