Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris #30
Written by Robert Napton | Art by Carlos Rafael
Dave: News flash guys, you’re tied to the legs of tables. There’s no way you can’t, I don’t know, lift the table to escape? Eh, who am I kidding Why aren’t you banging yet?
Russ: Probably because by Mars’ standards Dejah Thoris is wearing the equivalent of a burka. She’s just dressed too damn modestly to be sending off any lustful signals!
New Avengers Vol. 3 #11
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Mike Deodato
Dave: I hate it when dudes try to penetrate me. I mean, at least buy me dinner first! Amirite ladies?
Jordan: Darn it, I know I left my car keys in here somewhere.
Written by Ales Kot | Pencils by Tradd Moore
Dave: The texture of those brains is Chef Boyardee yummy.
Jordan: That’s one hell of a bullet.
Russ: FLAT TOP, West Virginia — A local ski lodge owner is under scrutiny by Flat Top Police after what appears to have been a Craigslist meet-up between two members from the “Bear” subculture of the gay community gone horribly wrong.
Written by Robert Kirkman | Pencils by Ryan Ottley
Dave: The truth behind Botox. The more you know!
Dejah Thoris and the Green Men of Mars #7
Written by Mark Rahner | Art by Lui Antonio
Dave: Oh goody, more Dejah Thoris to marvel at. And by marvel at, I mean cough uncomfortably while your girlfriend, wife, or boss looks at you like you really should stop reading these kinds of comics to preschool children. What squares they are.
Russ: Well at least they modified her vest enough to fit snugly over the crater where her left tit used to be. Good guy Green Men of Mars.
Patrick: Somehow that minuscule frond of see-through fabric almost sarcastically covering her genitals is even more provocative than if she were just completely naked. An unkempt bush would have been more conservative than that.
Jordan: I think I’m starting to understand this comic. In this world, all royalty must wear the skimpiest of clothing. Ugh, I hate to see what the king looks like.
Russ: Shyamalan twist: The woman’s name prior to the bandaging was “Stumpy McTittyCrater.”
Batman and Robin (2011-) #24: Two-Face
Written by Peter Tomasi | Pencils by Patrick Gleason
Dave: We can only assume his bed is comfy since tossing and turning in the slightest would require that left side to get wrecked too.
Patrick: “Dammit, spilled my beer. Welp, may as well just end it all.”
Jordan: Er… I hate my cleaning lady! She does a half assed job all the time! I just can’t live like this anymore!
Russ: Do Tomasi and Gleason have to be so subtle with the Two-Face gimmick? There might be five or six children reared in a cave in Utah that don’t understand the reference.
Also, does his shit only land on the left side of the toilet too?