Welcome back for part 2 of AiPT: Finding Bigfoot. The BFRO (Bigfoot Field Researches Organization) team has just decided to do the town meeting segment, let’s see what our writers, BJ and Dog, have to say about that shall we?
The Finding Bigfoot crew really enjoys setting up meetings at town halls to discuss local eyewitness accounts with other crazies who have seen the elusive beast. One such account involved two rasta-like gentleman passing by in a moving vehicle who witnessed an encounter at a riverbed. A stare-down between a supposedly starving, emaciated Bigfoot and a couple of fishermen. Bobo is tasked with finding out more information on the fishermen.
Dog: Yes, the town meeting! You can never tell if the townspeople are there to talk about Bigfoot or Obama’s secret, underground anti-freedom factory! Okay, now THOSE guys don’t belong. How is it that Bigfoot stared down the other couple but wasn’t freaked out by you two jam band all-stars?
Funny how we can’t find the other witnesses. Bobo’s extensive search found a couple who left town early, but apparently he forgot to ask the hotel their names. No shame in overlooking such a frivolous detail.
BJ: I literally just imagined Cliff asking the crowd “Who here wants to marry their cousin?” when so many hands went up. Jam band all-stars? Holy hell that’s hilarious. Nevermind the fact that they are Bobo’s friends, which is highly suspect, get it? Highly? Bobo also apparently doesn’t know about Google.
Dog: If I could be serious for a second … here’s an instance of a supposedly starving Bigfoot. What do most animals do when they’re starving? WANDER INTO TOWN, where food is plentiful. But this one just harasses somebody in the woods? Why do Sasquatches never get taken down by animal control for going through garbage? Why has a rabid one never been found wandering around in the daytime? These are obvious questions no “researcher” can answer. Not without stretching the bounds of reason, anyway.
BJ: I think he was just coming up to ask that couple if they had a “loosie”. I mean it’s a well known fact that Bigfoot is an avid smoker, like at least 2-3 packs a day. Could you imagine the outcry of PETA if Animal Control actually caught Bigfoot? It’d be a shit storm.
Dog: At least then they could put him on some Nicorette or something. Ween him off slowly. His cubs have been trying to get him to quit for years.
After analyzing and interviewing the remaining evidence and key witness accounts, the team sets off for their final night investigation via dog-sled to a remote location. Upon arrival, Bobo sets up a fake deer and fashions a coat for it made out of slabs of various cuts of meat. The gang attempts to utilize this along with a deer distress call to bait a would-be Bigfoot into finally showing its face.
Dog: They dog-sled somewhere and call it sketchy. Yeah, THAT’s the sketchy part. I call it the “I-Don’t-arod.” Like the race. But not. Nevermind. And they wait until it gets dark! Perfect! Wouldn’t want to eschew such a proven, successful strategy! They say we know Sasquatches follow the herd animals here. Wouldn’t hunters be seeing them all the time, then? Where are the tracks?
BJ: I’m not entirely sure why they always do these investigations at night, yet they’ve shown that most of the Bigfoot encounters typically happen during the daytime. I guess Bigfoot might truly be paranormal and can only manifest his physical form with the highest success during the night.
Dog: And what the fuck is with the DEER MEAT SUIT? What kind of Hannibal Lecter shit is this? Bigfoot is smart enough to avoid detection for decades but he’ll be fooled by a plastic decoy covered by a beef blanket? They found elk! Too bad we already know ELK EXIST!
BJ: I like how they said it resembled Lady Gaga, that’s pretty much what I could pull from watching Bobo drab so many delicious cuts of meat over that deer in such a blasphemous manner. I’m no expert but I don’t think raw meat could really give off enough of a distinctive scent for potential predators — they should have cooked that stuff. The highlight of the show was in fact, showing a herd of elk via thermal imaging? Ok, turn this garbage off. We can’t take it anymore.
It seems our writers had their fill of what they called “bullshit” and “straight up poppycock”. Stay tuned for the next episode of Adventures in Poor TV and see if our writers can set aside their dignity and brave through an entire show without crying uncle.