Unsealed Alien Files is a show about uncovering the truth about contact with extraterrestrial life via numerous reports and files that the government has finally declassified. At least, that’s how it’s presented. Much like the History Channel’s Ancient Aliens and other various shows of this nature, there is no real main cast — just a bunch of “experts” called in to talk about the incidents and give their take on them. The segments are presented in rapid succession with quick transitions.
You can watch Unsealed: Alien Files by checking your local listings on this schedule.
In this episode of Adventures in Poor TV, Russ “Dog” Dobler and BJ White sit down to watch and provide commentary on probably the most controversial subject world-wide: aliens. In doing so, they also pontificate on the TV habits of mythical beasts and why intelligent beings are so fascinated by the back door. The program begins with a stern advisory.
Dog: Another great intro! They flash a hilarious disclaimer that reads, “Opinions and theories expressed in the following program are not the only possible interpretations.” But we’re pretty sure we’re right, okay?
“Viewers are invited to make a judgement [sic] based on all available information.” A misspelling and an insincere overture to balance. I think this one is gonna hurt real good.
BJ: Yeah I don’t know, that cityscape in the opening scenes looked a lot like Metropolis, and Superman is definitely real and an alien, so maybe this show has some credibility after all.
The spin doctoring is amazing though: “We’ll present our case towards the legitimacy of this information which we’ll either completely make up or take out of context and hope you come to your own conclusion that isn’t persuaded by us in any way, shape, or form. Thanks.”
Dog: “What are extraterrestrials seeking here on Earth?,” the James Earl Jones knockoff narrator asks. Gotta love when they skip the part where you prove something exists, and that it exists HERE, and then go straight to MOTIVATION. Might as well ask why dragons love watching The View. He says they’ll uncover the truth. In 20 minutes. I can’t even get a pizza delivered that quickly.
BJ: I for one would love to watch a show about how dragons love watching The View. It’s like absolute truth meets science fiction. The major work of fiction being a show entirely run by women that tackle hard hitting subjects like world politics and government, is believably watched by people of any culture on Earth.
We meet our first “expert” of the show – Radio DJ Rob Simone, who explains that abduction phenomena is on the far end of the spectrum of believability for humans, yet it yields the most physical evidence of alien life.
Dog: Failed voice actor narrator claims they’re exposing “the biggest secrets on planet Earth.” There’s an obvious, inherent flaw in these conspiracy theories when you consider that the same government responsible for this ironclad obfuscation also let the beans spill on Watergate, Bill Clinton’s blowjobs and the NSA’s electronic surveillance. Christ, you’d think the NSA would have seen it coming! But the juiciest story in the history of humanity, THAT they’ve managed to keep a lid on for 60 years.
BJ: I personally want to see the full spectrum of believability laid out and explained, I mean if aliens do exist, why in the hell would they be abducting people just to put things in their butts? What knowledge do you gain about us humans by doing so? Millions of people put something in their butt everyday, and they learn nothing profound or enlightening.
Dog: Pssht, then you must be doing it wrong. I never truly grasped relativity until after my colonoscopy.
In the winter of 1980, in a small town in southeast Texas known as Dayton, a family witnessed a close encounter with an alien craft. They experienced extreme heat and lights emanating from it. This resulted in hospitalization for symptoms allegedly resembling radiation sickness.
Dog: They reenact the Cash/Landrum encounter from 1980. The imagery here is kind of beautiful in a freshman art film sort of way. I want to do tai chi to the unexpectedly soothing narration. Odd choice for a description of how three people were severely burned by monsters from another world. We’re treated to shots of balding men and sunburns for evidence. Make your own judgment!
BJ: I’ve been to Dayton, this kind of stuff doesn’t surprise me in the least. I’m more shocked that they didn’t include a lot more of the “butt-stuff” that aliens like to do round these parts. Oohhh I see what you did there, haha.
Arizona, November 5th, 1975 – Travis Walton is a logger working in the forests of Arizona when he and his crew stumble upon what is a supposed first-hand encounter with greys. Mr. Walton recounts his experience with the beings as traumatic and scary. He blacked out during the encounter and was supposedly found several miles away from where the encounter happened, 5 days later.
Dog: On to Travis Walton, of Fire in the Sky fame. The actor in this portrayal resembles the rat-faced singer from Lacuna Coil who everyone forgets is in the band. Walton says he couldn’t fight the aliens because he was weak and his arms felt heavy. At least his abductors had the decency to smoke him up before violently violating his rectal region. See BJ? You have to warm up to the butt stuff!
BJ: I literally just went and googled Lacuna Coil because I honestly forgot they had a dude singer alongside the female one. Walton had vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti. He’s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready… I just blacked out, what the hell happened? Oh right, this guy got abducted by alien Cheech and Chong. I’m pretty sure the whole ordeal of being abducted truly was scary and confusing, especially when they kept calling him “Dave.” I did some digging and found a police sketch artist’s rendition of one of the greys that kidnapped Walton. You can see it below.
The programs transitions yet again, this time to a nervous young man recounting his tale of being abducted from his own bedroom by aliens.
Dog: Now the sad baritone tells us, “Victims are often taken when at their most vulnerable, asleep in bed.” Okay, I mean, it’s not like we know about sleep paralysis or hypnagogic hallucinations or anything. Aliens make much more sense. Some poor guy says a small being drilled into his ear in the middle of the night and he can’t remember the next 5 hours. I usually don’t take copious notes while I’m asleep, either.
BJ: This. Did you see how high those greys were right before it cut to commercial? They really were freaking blitzed man.
Grey 1: Heuheuh, I’m way too baked to perform this operation.
Grey 2: Heh, heh, lets just put this in his butt..kisheheh.
Here we meet our second “expert” Doctor Roger Leir, a credible “expert” in the field of being posh, and probably French. He rattles on about implants, butt-stuff, and other strange things aliens like to put in people. To be honest, even I’m finding it hard to narrate this as it unfolds, this show really has a way of taking crackpot conspiracies to a whole new level.
Dog: Implants! Now we’re really going down the rabbit hole. We should hook “expert” Roger Leir up with Bigfoot “expert” Cliff Barackman! They can share notes on how to master things that haven’t been proven to exist! What they don’t tell you is that most of the “implants” recovered have been shards of glass or nondescript scraps of metal. The aliens probably can’t track you with the bits of the wine glass you broke in the kitchen while barefoot.
BJ: Could you imagine that shit-sandwich of a show? Finding the Unsealed Alien Bigfoot Files. “As you can clearly see here, the Alien’s mid-tarsal ridge allows it to grab onto several “sontimeters” of dirt to propel itself forward when looking for munchies. Also, the remnants of a discarded pack of cigarettes indicates that they have a love for menthol cigarettes, perhaps to elevate their perpetual state of being “stoned to the bone, man’.”
Oh and doc, it’s pronounced centimeters, jacque-ass.
Ready for more ‘expert’ analysis? Check out Part 2 of AiPTV: Unsealed Alien Files!