Elephantmen #55



Written by Richard Starkings | Art by Axel Medellin

Dave: Hoover has gone too far. First they pick up bowling balls, then they make men obsolete. How did we not see this coming?

Dog: The uterine suction I understand, but why do they feel the need to MILK the poor girl, too? If the bottom tube works, the top ones won’t produce anything.

Sean: What they don’t know is that’s actually a cyborg rape in progress.


Revival #19



Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Norton

Dave: “Next week on Hanging with Jesus, Jesus shreds satan. Hollah!”

Russ: Hooligan Jesus is so played out at this point. Shoulda been really rebellious and made him Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Dog: Seriously, wake me when somebody draws surfing Muhammed. No one’s gonna firebomb your office for the Skatepunk of Nazareth, but the Prophet shooting the curl in boardshorts ….

Sean: I’ve been told Jesus is the best at Christ grabs.
Also, that he smokes the dankest nugs. You ain’t toked up, till you toked up with the J man. He’ll turn your water into dank nugs.

Greg: I don’t even know if I should touch this one, being a Jew and all, but I agree with Russ. Is this the newly accepted view of Jesus in the Christian Church?


Sidekick #6



Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Tom Mandrake

Dog: “Why the f--k did I get an art history degree?!”

Dave: I do love me some deep penetration. Wait…

Sean: Man, the robot Al from Deadwood is gonna die.


Artifacts #36



Written by Dan Wickline | Art by ROM

Dog: Is a numeromancer someone who … raises numbers? Is the subtitle of this book “The Living Death of Pi”?

Dave: If she stood with her ass out like that all the time she’d have some major back problems. You could call them, “Baby got back” problems.

Russ: If Dave stood in front of a crowd as a stand-up comedian and told that joke he’d have handfuls of garbage thrown at him. By Carrot Top, screaming “Only I can tell jokes that piss poor. That’s my gig!” the entire time.

Sean: You know what they say about a girl poking her ass out, who has monster hands?
Seriously, do you know? Is it dangerous? I got this chick’s number at a bar last night…


68: Rule of War #1 (of 4)



Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jekk Zornow

Dog: “I’ve told you a million times, I’m a colonel, goddamnit!”

Dave: Why is Image printing photorealistic panels of Russ without his makeup on?

Russ: Dave’s just jealous that the dentist gave me a lollipop for being handsome after I had my molars shined.

Sean: #Strongsensualfacescarredbeyondrecognitionpassion

Dave: Clearly that zombie’s skull was under some dangerous amounts of pressure.

Dog: The “Gold Rush” cast must be really desperate if they’ve taken to pick-axing craniums. Those aren’t the kinds of veins you’re looking for, pseudo-prospectors.

Sean: “Chokk on it!”


Grimm Fairy Tales – Age of Darkness #96



Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Antonio Bifulco

Dave: Since when can you not see through a light reflection?

Russ: George Lucas and his revisions have gone too damn far this time. That doesn’t even look like carbonite.

Sean: The terrifying dystopian future of nippleless women, and Skeletor dress-alikes from.

Dog: I think that’s actually a novelty ice-pop from someone’s bachelor party. Turn it upside down and the nipples come back, except they’re made of Dippin’ Dots.


Action Comics (2011-) #30



Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kuder

Dave: “Superman level strength” and these beasts aren’t just puff clouds of blood? Somebody likes the fuzzy wuzzy bearzys.

Dog: Every living thing? Is he going to individually punch all 5 nonillion bacteria?


Deadpool vs. Carnage #1




Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Salvador Espin

Dave: Buttholes: The humor topic of the lowest common denominator. Only funny because it’s a fuzzy issue most laugh at due to their uncomfortable relationship to pooping.

Dog: So the infamous Liefeld pouches are actually additional a------s? Did Deadpool kill the Watcher to keep that secret hidden? Because honestly, I’d probably gouge MY OWN eyes out after observing that.


Inhuman #1



Written by Charles Soule | Art by Joe Madureira

Dave: For the love of God, won’t someone please give this woman a hamburger!?

Dog: I feel for the guy on the left. Finds out he’s part alien and the only cool power he gets is “human curling iron.”

Russ: Is it bad if a strand of your hair is thicker than your ribcage? Medusa’s lesser known superpower: Hiding all the jars she pukes in.


Aquaman and the Others #1



Written by Dan Jurgens | Art by Lan Medina

Dave: I wish I could tell if the carpet matches the drapes but it’s clear she’s going hardwood.

Dog: Hmm, a fixation on boobs, ass and feet. Is this a commission Frank Cho drew for Quentin Tarantino?