Elephantmen #55

Written by Richard Starkings | Art by Axel Medellin

Dave: Hoover has gone too far. First they pick up bowling balls, then they make men obsolete. How did we not see this coming?

Dog: The uterine suction I understand, but why do they feel the need to MILK the poor girl, too? If the bottom tube works, the top ones won’t produce anything.

Sean: What they don’t know is that’s actually a cyborg rape in progress.

Revival #19

Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Norton

Dave: “Next week on Hanging with Jesus, Jesus shreds satan. Hollah!”

Russ: Hooligan Jesus is so played out at this point. Shoulda been really rebellious and made him Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Dog: Seriously, wake me when somebody draws surfing Muhammed. No one’s gonna firebomb your office for the Skatepunk of Nazareth, but the Prophet shooting the curl in boardshorts ….

Sean: I’ve been told Jesus is the best at Christ grabs.
Also, that he smokes the dankest nugs. You ain’t toked up, till you toked up with the J man. He’ll turn your water into dank nugs.

Greg: I don’t even know if I should touch this one, being a Jew and all, but I agree with Russ. Is this the newly accepted view of Jesus in the Christian Church?

Sidekick #6

Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Tom Mandrake

Dog: “Why the fuck did I get an art history degree?!”

Dave: I do love me some deep penetration. Wait…

Sean: Man, the robot Al from Deadwood is gonna die.

Artifacts #36

Written by Dan Wickline | Art by ROM

Dog: Is a numeromancer someone who … raises numbers? Is the subtitle of this book “The Living Death of Pi”?

Dave: If she stood with her ass out like that all the time she’d have some major back problems. You could call them, “Baby got back” problems.

Russ: If Dave stood in front of a crowd as a stand-up comedian and told that joke he’d have handfuls of garbage thrown at him. By Carrot Top, screaming “Only I can tell jokes that piss poor. That’s my gig!” the entire time.

Sean: You know what they say about a girl poking her ass out, who has monster hands?
Seriously, do you know? Is it dangerous? I got this chick’s number at a bar last night…

68: Rule of War #1 (of 4)

Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jekk Zornow

Dog: “I’ve told you a million times, I’m a colonel, goddamnit!”

Dave: Why is Image printing photorealistic panels of Russ without his makeup on?

Russ: Dave’s just jealous that the dentist gave me a lollipop for being handsome after I had my molars shined.

Sean: #Strongsensualfacescarredbeyondrecognitionpassion

Dave: Clearly that zombie’s skull was under some dangerous amounts of pressure.

Dog: The “Gold Rush” cast must be really desperate if they’ve taken to pick-axing craniums. Those aren’t the kinds of veins you’re looking for, pseudo-prospectors.

Sean: “Chokk on it!”

Grimm Fairy Tales – Age of Darkness #96

Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Antonio Bifulco

Dave: Since when can you not see through a light reflection?

Russ: George Lucas and his revisions have gone too damn far this time. That doesn’t even look like carbonite.

Sean: The terrifying dystopian future of nippleless women, and Skeletor dress-alikes from.

Dog: I think that’s actually a novelty ice-pop from someone’s bachelor party. Turn it upside down and the nipples come back, except they’re made of Dippin’ Dots.

Action Comics (2011-) #30

Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kuder

Dave: “Superman level strength” and these beasts aren’t just puff clouds of blood? Somebody likes the fuzzy wuzzy bearzys.

Dog: Every living thing? Is he going to individually punch all 5 nonillion bacteria?

Deadpool vs. Carnage #1

Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Salvador Espin

Dave: Buttholes: The humor topic of the lowest common denominator. Only funny because it’s a fuzzy issue most laugh at due to their uncomfortable relationship to pooping.

Dog: So the infamous Liefeld pouches are actually additional assholes? Did Deadpool kill the Watcher to keep that secret hidden? Because honestly, I’d probably gouge MY OWN eyes out after observing that.

Inhuman #1

Written by Charles Soule | Art by Joe Madureira

Dave: For the love of God, won’t someone please give this woman a hamburger!?

Dog: I feel for the guy on the left. Finds out he’s part alien and the only cool power he gets is “human curling iron.”

Russ: Is it bad if a strand of your hair is thicker than your ribcage? Medusa’s lesser known superpower: Hiding all the jars she pukes in.

Aquaman and the Others #1

Written by Dan Jurgens | Art by Lan Medina

Dave: I wish I could tell if the carpet matches the drapes but it’s clear she’s going hardwood.

Dog: Hmm, a fixation on boobs, ass and feet. Is this a commission Frank Cho drew for Quentin Tarantino?

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