Written by Richard Starkings | Art by Axel Medellin
Dave: Hoover has gone too far. First they pick up bowling balls, then they make men obsolete. How did we not see this coming?
Dog: The uterine suction I understand, but why do they feel the need to MILK the poor girl, too? If the bottom tube works, the top ones won’t produce anything.
Sean: What they don’t know is that’s actually a cyborg rape in progress.
Written by Tim Seeley | Art by Mike Norton
Dave: “Next week on Hanging with Jesus, Jesus shreds satan. Hollah!”
Russ: Hooligan Jesus is so played out at this point. Shoulda been really rebellious and made him Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Dog: Seriously, wake me when somebody draws surfing Muhammed. No one’s gonna firebomb your office for the Skatepunk of Nazareth, but the Prophet shooting the curl in boardshorts ….
Sean: I’ve been told Jesus is the best at Christ grabs.
Also, that he smokes the dankest nugs. You ain’t toked up, till you toked up with the J man. He’ll turn your water into dank nugs.
Greg: I don’t even know if I should touch this one, being a Jew and all, but I agree with Russ. Is this the newly accepted view of Jesus in the Christian Church?
Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Tom Mandrake
Dog: “Why the f--k did I get an art history degree?!”
Dave: I do love me some deep penetration. Wait…
Sean: Man, the robot Al from Deadwood is gonna die.
Written by Dan Wickline | Art by ROM
Dog: Is a numeromancer someone who … raises numbers? Is the subtitle of this book “The Living Death of Pi”?
Dave: If she stood with her ass out like that all the time she’d have some major back problems. You could call them, “Baby got back” problems.
Russ: If Dave stood in front of a crowd as a stand-up comedian and told that joke he’d have handfuls of garbage thrown at him. By Carrot Top, screaming “Only I can tell jokes that piss poor. That’s my gig!” the entire time.
Sean: You know what they say about a girl poking her ass out, who has monster hands?
Seriously, do you know? Is it dangerous? I got this chick’s number at a bar last night…
68: Rule of War #1 (of 4)
Written by Mark Kidwell | Art by Jekk Zornow
Dog: “I’ve told you a million times, I’m a colonel, goddamnit!”
Dave: Why is Image printing photorealistic panels of Russ without his makeup on?
Russ: Dave’s just jealous that the dentist gave me a lollipop for being handsome after I had my molars shined.
Dave: Clearly that zombie’s skull was under some dangerous amounts of pressure.
Dog: The “Gold Rush” cast must be really desperate if they’ve taken to pick-axing craniums. Those aren’t the kinds of veins you’re looking for, pseudo-prospectors.
Sean: “Chokk on it!”
Grimm Fairy Tales – Age of Darkness #96
Written by Raven Gregory | Art by Antonio Bifulco
Dave: Since when can you not see through a light reflection?
Russ: George Lucas and his revisions have gone too damn far this time. That doesn’t even look like carbonite.
Sean: The terrifying dystopian future of nippleless women, and Skeletor dress-alikes from.
Dog: I think that’s actually a novelty ice-pop from someone’s bachelor party. Turn it upside down and the nipples come back, except they’re made of Dippin’ Dots.
Action Comics (2011-) #30
Written by Greg Pak | Art by Aaron Kuder
Dave: “Superman level strength” and these beasts aren’t just puff clouds of blood? Somebody likes the fuzzy wuzzy bearzys.
Dog: Every living thing? Is he going to individually punch all 5 nonillion bacteria?
Deadpool vs. Carnage #1
Dave: Buttholes: The humor topic of the lowest common denominator. Only funny because it’s a fuzzy issue most laugh at due to their uncomfortable relationship to pooping.
Dog: So the infamous Liefeld pouches are actually additional a------s? Did Deadpool kill the Watcher to keep that secret hidden? Because honestly, I’d probably gouge MY OWN eyes out after observing that.
Written by Charles Soule | Art by Joe Madureira
Dave: For the love of God, won’t someone please give this woman a hamburger!?
Dog: I feel for the guy on the left. Finds out he’s part alien and the only cool power he gets is “human curling iron.”
Russ: Is it bad if a strand of your hair is thicker than your ribcage? Medusa’s lesser known superpower: Hiding all the jars she pukes in.
Aquaman and the Others #1
Written by Dan Jurgens | Art by Lan Medina
Dave: I wish I could tell if the carpet matches the drapes but it’s clear she’s going hardwood.
Dog: Hmm, a fixation on boobs, ass and feet. Is this a commission Frank Cho drew for Quentin Tarantino?