The Maxx #6
By Sam Kieth
Dave: I’m all for women looking like real women in comics, but something just isn’t right with those proportions. Her thigh is as big as her damn torso!
Dog: Is this one of those senior citizen sex resorts? Or are there comics licensed from the film Cocoon now?
Jordan: What the hell is up with their bodies?!
Russ: Sam Kieth wants ‘em real thick and juicy. A word to thick soul sistas, he wants to get witcha, etc. etc. ♪
Written by Ken Kristensen | Art by Giancarlo Caracuzzo
Dave: Listen kids, what she means by “inside me” is the sound of his words as they enter her ears. No funny business!
Dog: Yeah, watching Ghostbusters as I kid, I had no idea what possessed Dana meant when she said that to Venkman. I asked my mom, but I think she pretended not to hear me.
Jordan: Is this what goes on in big business skyscrapers? If so, I should really work on getting that business degree.
Bloodshot and H.A.R.D. Corps #21
Written by Christos Gage and Joshua Dysart | Art by Tom Raney
Dave: You mean to tell me they aren’t already intoxicated? Flying cartoon birds, random hugging, shooting bullets through your buddies flesh? Sounds like a typical AiPT writer’s weekend.
Dog: “This week, on a very special ‘Barney and Friends,’ the kids learn about sharing and a vampire mercenary shoots a drunk hobo.”
Jordan: I gotta get more sleep, I’m starting to see the purple parrots from Legends of the Hidden Temples all of a sudden.
Written by Robert Kirkman | Art by Ryan Ottley
Dave: She needs to work on her woo.
Dog: Girl went from zero to nude in half a panel. I think that’s a new slut speed record.
Jordan: If this is supposed to be scary and ugly considering the situation, than the artist certainly did not get the message.
Russ: Robert Kirkman giving up masturbation for Lent sure has manifested itself in subtle ways, hasn’t it kids?
Savage Dragon #194
By Erik Larsen
Dave: Little johnny just couldn’t take his eyes away from his mom’s wedgie.
Dog: Shocking revelation from the albino Oompa Loompa.
Russ: It’s good to see Erik Larsen fulfilling his end of the OshKosh B’gosh and Discountstripper.com product placement deals on a single page.
East of West #11
Written by Jonathan Hickman | Art by Nick Dragotta
Dave: Clearly this tentacle monster has an Eye Balled fetish. Look it up people!
Dog: If you’re taking my dreams, have fun with the one where I’m eating dinner in my underwear with my mom, my ex-girlfriend, Genghis Khan and the cast of Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Mr. Belding eats too many raw oysters and … well, I won’t spoil it!
Jordan: I think Freddy has upgraded from killing teenagers to getting old men now.
Manifest Destiny #6
Written by Chris Dingess | Art by Nick Dragotta
Dave: Just in time for Easter! Coincidentally also the origin of the TMNT ooze in Michael Bay’s new flick.
Dog: I thought the rabbit just had a really bad sinus infection. They make my skull feel like it’s splitting, too.
Jordan: HA! Take that Thumper!
Dave: Never look directly into the eye of the storm.
Dog: Seriously, where is he finding all these animals filled with green goo? Planet Nickelodeon?
Jordan: No no Dog. That’s not it. That skunk is really filled with Monster Blood. Now that guy will grow gigantic!
Russ: If that whole expeditioning thing never worked out, at least we can rest easy knowing Lewis and Clark had a bright future as pioneers in bestiality bukakke flicks.
Written by Aaron Kuder | Art by Jorge Jimenez
Dave: He’s playing that guys head like a fiddle!
Dog: If this guy’s trying to make an impression, killing Aquaman ain’t the way to do it. The only ones that’ll miss him are hipster comedians who’ve lost a punchline.
Jordan: Oh Superboy, you and your silly shenanigans you get into.
All-New Doop #1 (of 5)
Written by David Lafuente | Art by Peter Milligan
Dave: Screw passing gas, you know you’re in a stable relationship when you can rip your body in half in front of them.
Dog: I’m not sure what Doop needs with a girlfriend when he appears to be able to asexually reproduce on his own.
Jordan: Oh great, looks like Slimer got into the bad shit again. Someone’s gottaprotect their stash better next time.
Russ: To say Doop’s Goatse impression is a hit at parties would be a real… stretch. ::rimshot::