For episode two, we pick up where we left off: Roddy Piper roaming around in the desert. Well, the part of the desert that’s a couple of blocks away from the legends’ house. We get some more of the worried legends wondering if Piper’s okay. There’s all these jump cuts to Roddy as a wrestler from the 80’s cutting rowdy promos, which helps in assessing that Piper’s not all there because the actual show does little to address what the hell is actually going on with Roddy Piper. Seriously, nothing is explained aside from Piper telling the cameras that he’s struggling with being Roddy Piper. You would think taking a little vacation time in Palm Springs would be just what he needs to clear his mind, but it has the opposite effect and has forced Piper to confront his demons because… he had to do yoga with Gary Busey. I don’t get the whole “forced to be there” vibe, unless their managers somehow overlooked the fine print in their legends’ contract that specifically stated they were going to be forced to live in a house with six other wrestlers.

The show also picks up on last week’s hell of a cliffhanger: Tony Atlas vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Jimmy Hart reminds us with a revisionist slant that Tony has been “rubbing everyone the wrong way.” When really, he just rubbed Duggan the wrong way. Jimmy also reminds Duggan, who casually shrugs it off, stating that if Tony’s upset he knows where to find him. Even though in the next scene Duggan and Tony are getting along famously and making small talk about what bullshit activity the producers have lined up for them that day.

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Enter Ashley, sexy outfit and all. She announces that the guys will be split up into two teams of four, captained by Hillbilly Jim and Jim Duggan, and squaring off in a Survivor Series polo match. We quickly learn that Tony has some form of equinophobia, and hates horses so damn much because of that fear. He goes off on an anxiety-induced rant, rambling about not messing with those animals and swearing to knock that motherf*cking horse out as if the horse had just offended his mom or something. At the polo field, the legends are treated the last few minutes of an actual polo game. They’re in awe of the majestic horses, but not as much as they are in awe of Ashley’s sexy outfit #2. Even Atlas is momentarily distracted from his fear of horses to make us all uncomfortable by hootin’ and hollerin’ at her like he’s just recently been released from doing a 20-year stint in prison. Luckily, Ashley remembers her lines and inform the legends that they won’t be playing polo on horses, but instead in golf carts.

The legends take to the field and after a few minutes of what seems like forever, Jimmy Hart scores the first point for the red team. Instantly validating himself as Hillbilly Jim’s puzzling first pick. After some more agonizing quick cuts of back and forth “action”, Roddy Piper scores a point for his blue team. Finally, things get heated when Tony’s cart breaks down just as the blue cart scores their second point. Jimmy Hart tries to contest it which leads to five minutes of the blue team childishly making fun of Jimmy Hart’s whining. The greatest part about the polo game is watching the legends cut promos during breaks as they sit alongside their female drivers, who are undoubtedly hiding their shame behind their sunglasses, wondering if this is worth the extra $100 they probably made for the day.

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The polo game ends with the two teams tied at 2-2. Duggan scores the decisive point that gives his team the win. Hoooos are hollered. After the game, the legends are treated to a nice dinner outside next to the polo field, because wrestling legends are apparently not welcomed inside the country club. The exquisite meal and even forces old curmudgeon Piper to utter the lines, “if this is as hard as it gets, that’ll be fine.” So, it looks like Piper has overcome his demons. The red team is then given their losers’ task of having shovel horse shit from the stables. After a few minutes of the red team scooping up horse crap, we get a touching moment of Tony making amends with one of the horses. But even the horse gets annoyed with Tony’s talking and rejects a friendly pat from him.

Poor Howard Finkel’s obesity forces the rest of the legends to take part in their next activity: a Zumba dance class. Fortunately, we get Ashley in sexy outfit #3 to get them moving along. While not content with showing us just how old these legends are, the top brass in WWE felt it necessary to show us just how much rhythm they lacked as well. Nothing like a slow-moving montage of battered and tired wrestlers awkwardly dancing to drive the point home that whatever accomplishments you achieved in the ring can easily be forgotten with some bad decision making. At least Howard Finkel didn’t pass out from exhaustion.

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The legends try to follow up the workout with a meal which leads us to what has become the show’s running gag: not being able to eat. First, they try to cook a few packs of frozen meat that would take too long to thaw out seeing as it’s already late in the day. Secondly, they messed up by trusting Pat Patterson with the cooking again, as he gave up as soon as he realized the meat wasn’t going to be ready in time. At least the alcohol was able to hold them over. This situation also pointed out that the legends are apparently cut off from outside communication because when Piper and Duggan finally realize that they can order food, Duggan goes to grab his GPS so they can locate the closest restaurant. Not a phone with a GPS or internet mind you, but an actual GPS device. As they struggle to get a satellite feed on the damn thing, a fed up Tony Atlas decides to cook chicken which was overlooked and not as frozen as the meat. Tony puts on a big barbeque and grills up some chicken for the entire house, enabling him to win everybody over and forcing them to have to hear him talk some more out of guilt. But the best part was watching Tony able to find his way to Duggan’s heart through his stomach. Hacksaw and Tony finally confront the Gary Busey issue and make amends. And all it took was for Tony to be subservient and make Duggan some food.

Between this episode and the first there’s probably 45 minutes worth of filler that could’ve been cut out in order to make one complete episode. Most reality shows usually wrap up their problems by the end of the show. Unless, it’s a major issue. Tony and Duggan’s spat over how much time the average parent spends with their kids is hardly the kind of stuff that makes reality shows watchable, or even tolerable. When compared to E!’s Total Divas, as horrible as that show is, it reminds you why reality tv shows need to be heavily scripted and contrived. When you take those elements away, you get Legends’ House. Having grown up watching the WWE since I was 5, I’m highly aware of their capabilities of producing some of the best edited television content, video packages/promos, etc. But Legends’ House definitely proves that even they’re grasping at straws here.

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Legendary Lessons Learned:

  • Pat thinks Roddy’s name is Rodney.
  • Tony Atlas is spontaneous like a laptop.
  • Jimmy Hart gets paid in WWE t-shirts. And he should always keep them on.
  • Mean Gene likes to drink and say “balls,” but not always in that order.
  • It took Zumba dancing for Hacksaw Jim Duggan to gain Tony’s respect.
  • Tony Atlas can talk and is a habitual oversharer.
  • The only thing missing from Ashley’s many entrances is a studio audience cat-calling soundtrack to accompany her a la Kelly Bundy on Married with Children.
  • Wrestlers use wrestling jargon outside of wrestling.
  • Jimmy Hart’s secret to staying skinny-fat: baked potatoes and beans.
  • Life on the road has rendered the legends useless when it comes to actually having to feed themselves at home.