This week’s episode of Legends’ House wasted little time getting into things. Barely a minute in and we already got Ashley strutting her way inside, jiggling in all the appropriate places, ready to give the legends their newest assignment: bowling. Against the Golden Girls. Actually, they were the Bowling Queens, a recreational, older lady, bowling team, who seemed closer in age to Pat Patterson than any of the other legends. After pleasantries are exchanged, Pat wastes little time and ask which one of them is the desert queen? And Gene wastes little time getting pervy, making smooth observations as only Mean Gene can.

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Of course, the legends start the game off with quite a few gutterballs, as the Bowling Queens take the early advantage because they’re a group of lady bowlers who do this on a regular basis. But according to Hacksaw Jim Duggan, they’re a bunch of ringers. Even though it was made clear from the beginning that they’re a group of lady bowlers who do this on a regular basis. Roddy Piper then shakes things up with the legends’ first strike of the game, and helps them mount their babyface comeback. Suddenly, all the guys are picking up spares. A good time is had by all until the game is up and for some reason or another, the video scoreboard fails to show the final score for both teams. Despite there being digital scoreboards, they decide to tally up the scores the old school way, probably because they’re old. Oh wait, reality show suspense, right? Naturally, the legends are bested by the Bowling Queens. You know, the group of lady bowlers who do this on a regular basis. They even present the Queens with a giant trophy. Surprisingly, it wasn’t smashed to pieces by the legends.

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Back at the house, Ashley struggles to make sexy appearance #2 as she steadies herself on her stilettos while making her way across the tiny bridge that leads to the legends’ house. The best part of Ashley’s entrances, besides Ashley herself, has got to be the way the legends react to her when she shows up: they all call each other over like giddy teenagers who have just been released from prison, and the entire population of women has been wiped out for the last 15 years. She informs the legends that this time they’ll be competing in another Survivor Series style competition that involves them making commercials for local businesses.

In an act of redemption after having been picked last on the previous episode, Gene is made captain of one team, while Piper heads the other. Although poor Tony Atlas feels disrespected as he’s the last person to get picked this time around. Gene’s team of Hillbilly Jim, Pat Patterson, and Jimmy Hart have to make a commercial for Rancho Mirage car wash, which specializes in hand washing (remember that). And Piper’s team of Howard Finkel, Jim Duggan, and Tony Atlas have to make one for a business called Flock O’ Flamingos, which rents out plastic flamingos and rubber duckies for all your party needs. And is a legit business.

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At the car wash, it doesn’t take long for Pat Patterson to come up with their slogan: Guaranteed the best handjob you’ve ever had. ‘Cause of the hand washing, remember? Jimmy Hart also annoys the piss out of everyone in the group, for simply being Jimmy Hart. Apparently, it’s taken them this long to realize how annoying his voice is. At one point, someones pushes the button that turns on the machines that wash the cars, and Pat gets hosed down, subsequently losing his shit. We get our first real blow up on the show, as Pat goes off on a bleeping rant, blaming Jimmy Hart. Cool guy Hillbilly Jim has the whole thing on camera and upon reviewing the video they notice that John, the manager for Rancho Mirage is the culprit. According to him, he misheard Pat Patterson. But it’s cool though, because Pat calls him a “dumb f*ck.”

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Back at the house, Piper and the gang must have gotten into some cocaine left over from the 80’s as they go on to record, in their minds, the best way they know how to get flamingos over. This includes, Tony Atlas playing with the plastic lawn ornaments like a slightly-off child on Christmas morning, Piper and Duggan creepily chanting “Flock O’ Flamingos” like they’re some sideshow characters who forgot that their lines were “Gooble Gobble,” and Howard Finkel trying to court a flamingo… I guess. Either way, Tony starts rubbing Piper the wrong way just as they’re finishing their video.

The two teams regroup at the house to have their videos edited by professionals. Tony and Piper continue to get on each others’ nerves which crescendos with Tony suggesting Piper kiss “Tony’s ma’f*ckin’ ass,” as he walks out the room. We instead jump to a talking head scene with Piper cutting a super tense, straight-up wrestling promo on Tony’s ass. Proving that Piper’s still got it. And proving that this show would be way better if every talking head scene involved the legends cutting wrestling-style promos on everything and everybody. And lastly, proving that every wrestling promo cut on WWE programming, from now on, should be accompanied by suspenseful, reality show background music.

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Luckily, Tony and Piper kiss and make up the next morning just in time for Ashley’s third appearance. She brings along Rhett & Link, the Commercial Kings, of internet and IFC fame, who will be judging the legends’ commercials. Gene’s finished product is a decently put together, almost professional-looking commercial, whereas Piper’s commercial is so horrible that it’s good. In fact, so horrible and good you can see Ashley corpsing as she watches it. After a short suspenseful cliffhanger that really doesn’t work without commercials in place, the Commercial Kings announce Piper’s team as the winners. Sadly, no trophy is given, but they did win a ride to Las Vegas via luxurious limo, while the losers have to get there on a 15-seat passenger van. And just as they’re right outside the Las Vegas city limits the limo gets pulled over. Minor traffic infraction? or will it be 1987 all over again for Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Tune in next week to find out!

Legendary Lessons Learned

  • Hillbilly Jim really is there to just have a good time.
  • Pat Patterson’s sole purpose in life is to drop sexy double entendres into every conversation he has.
  • Piper always looks like he’s perpetually recovering from a bad hangover. Every morning.
  • How are the voices of Howard Finkel and Mean Gene Okerlund not featured on every cartoon on TV?
  • Tony Atlas is going to rub somebody the wrong way on every episode of Legends’ House.
  • “Motherf*ckers should have kids so y’all can tell them what to do.”
  • Hearing Jimmy Hart say, “We give the best handjobs in town.” is way creepier than hearing Pat say it.
  • Piper’s problem is that he cares too much.
  • While Tony’s biggest problem is a half-inch below his nose.