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Panels in Poor Taste: 5/2/14 – Naked Spider-Men and Eyeballs Galore

Note: An unfinished future edition of Panels in Poor Taste was mistakenly published earlier this afternoon. That has been taken down and will resurface next week. Until then, enjoy this week’s!

Amazing Spider-Man #1

Written by Dan Slott | Art by Humberto Ramos

Dave: Public masturbation is a crime!

Greg: I’m calling it right now: Spider-Man’s next bold costume redesign will be made entirely out of highly suggestive web fluid.

Sean: You’re not supposed to ‘thwip’ in public, Mr. Man.

Dog: “If web thong persists for more than an hour, consult a physician.”

Sean: I do not want to join that club. I’m pretty sure that club already exists. That way lies madness, and furries, and mask cosplay.

Dave: If this goes down a furries road I am checking out of Spider-Man. What’s next, Spider-Man/furries fan fiction?!

[See Dave with a devilish and knowing grin as he types “The End” on a typewriter. The title of the page reads, “Dave’s furriest Spider-Man sexploits.”]

Greg: Much like Miley Cyrus herself, I doubt that the bottom right panel will age well.

Dog: Miley’s just a Dazzler tribute act, anyway. I’ll take notice when she writhes around on stage in a wedding dress and roller skates.

Warlord of Mars: Dejah Thoris Vol. 5: Rise of the Machine Men (TPB)

Written by Robert Place Napton | Art by Carlos Rafael, Debora Carita

Dave: No Deja, everything is not alright. That bottom is being held by a literal thread…a fashion no-no!

Dog: Thomas Jefferson of Mars will bring a great nation upon the Red Planet!

Sean: Thanks for the input, special needs Bruce Campbell.

V-Wars #1

Written by Jonathan Maberry | Art by Alan Robinson

Dave: After six Botox injections, this may also happen to you too.

Dog: The graphic novelization of the Zapruder film doesn’t really capture Kennedy’s likeness.

Wynter #2

Written by Guy Hasson | Art by Aron Elekes

Dave: Sex and parents go together like peanut butter and shards of glass.

Dog: In the future, even the coming-of-age milestone of walking in on your parents bumping uglies will be automated and depersonalized. Pity Big Brother; he has to watch the whole thing.

Sean: Alex Junior is the name of his…

Dream Police #1

Written by J. Michael Straczynski | Art by Sid Kotian

Dog: “The Dream Police no longer live in his head,

the Dream Police tore his braincase to shreds.”

Dave: Losing chunks of himself is a new diet putting bulimia to shame. It’s called chunk-light.

Greg: Is this what happened to Billy Batson in the first draft of Captain Marvel/Shazam?

Wonderland: Asylum #4

Written by Pat Shand | Art by Elmer Cantada

Dave: Crossfit has gone way too far. Decapitation with a one armed wielded knife is classic bad form!

Dog: The DC/Dark Horse crossover you’ve all been waiting for! Jervis Tetch IS the Superior Buffy!

Loki: Ragnarok and Roll #3

Written by Eric M. Esquivel | Art by Jerry Gaylord

Dave: Collecting imagery for this column has proven one thing, and that’s the ability of artists to make brains fly out in so many different ways.

Sean: They do love their flying eyes.

Dog: Bitten by a radioactive Pete Townshend, Pete Townshend-Man takes his confused urges out on bears everywhere!

Zombie Tramp

Written and Art by Dan Mendoza

Dave: Those hips and shelf of a rack are criminal. Seriously. They should be criminal to any little girl who thinks that’s what a body should look like.

Dog: Well, at least he depicts the consequences of such misproportions. Poor girl snapped in half like a twig supporting two bowling balls.


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