This week’s Legends’ House starts off with most of the guys more or less making fun of Tony Atlas for drawing. In particular Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who really dislikes Tony for whatever reason that happened 20 years ago. This might be the ethnic in me, but something tells me that Duggan is a few episodes away from dropping some racial epithets if things get any more heated. Then again, like I said, that might just be me projecting as a minority. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Speaking of Tony, he has taken to training Mean Gene in the mornings in order to keep healthy, although if he really wanted to do someone a favor, he’d focus his energy on Howard Finkel. God knows he needs all the help he can get. And did anybody else dig Mean Gene’s Doug Funnie workout gear? Apparently, he’s the only legend that wasn’t given two of each and every single WWE t-shirt ever produced. The best part of the legends’ morning routine is watching a miserable-looking Roddy Piper trying to make some sort of blended drink. To say that Piper is not a morning person would be a huge understatement. Seriously, is this guy really sober? Or is he drinking off-camera because every damn morning he looks like he had the time of his life the night before and is now paying for it.

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Tony and Hillbilly Jim do something nice for the house and go to a local “Spanish butcher shop” to make dinner for the rest of the legends. After watching Tony and Hillbilly interact in the Mexican butcher shop, you can’t help but wonder why country boy Tony was saddled with the Saba Simba gimmick when he should’ve been brought in to be the third Godwinn. I guess they couldn’t think up of a clever acronym for him that was synonymous with pig. Anyway, these country boys stock up on chitlins, pickled pigs’ feet, and whole lot of other stuff that is surely going to repulse the rest of the other legends. And once they get home, they do.

Jimmy Hart immediately shits on the food. I guess when you’ve been wined and dined by Hulk Hogan at only the finest of restaurant establishments, like Hogan’s Beach, you develop a more refined palate. Hillbilly Jim even introduces him to bull penis and it looks like it’s going to be another bean and potato night for Jimmy Hart. When Tony opens the fridge to store the rest of the 20 lbs of chitlins he bought we quickly see that the reason there’s never any food in the house is because the whole damn fridge is filled with beer. Priorities, I guess. No wonder tensions are high in that household. The legends are mean drunks. The rest of the legends agree with Jimmy that the country fixin’s are horrible and smell like shit, so Roddy and Duggan decide to grill some steaks instead. During this cookout, Duggan imagines bull penis tasting somewhat “woodsy” and “kinda salty.” Of course, the sausages in the bag that Hillbilly showed Jimmy are not in fact bull penis, but actual sausages. Tony then laughs at Jimmy for not knowing what a bull’s penis looks like because, of course, everybody knows what a bull’s penis looks like.

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The next morning Mean Gene has a feeling that they’re going to be involved in some special activity. And right on cue, Ashley shows up poolside in the sexiest outfit of them all, a skimpy yellow bikini that leaves nothing to the imagination. Perv mode kicks in as the legends ogle her from inside the house. They then strip down to their swimming trunks and rush outside only to be introduced to Ann-Brit, their water aerobics instructor. A bunch of bullshit time is wasted where the legends find it difficult to perform the exercises and Ann-Brit isn’t having it. Also, the use of pool noodles and suggestive placement and grabbing gives us the sound byte of Pat Patterson mentioning that this is the best day of his life, believe it or not. The pointless exercise ends with no random conflict being born out of it.

We see the legends kill some time before their next activity, which includes Hillbilly Jim and Jimmy Hart composing music together. Which ups Hillbilly Jim’s cool factor by 10 points, until he gets annoyed by Jimmy Hart for… your guess is as a good as mine. I hit the rewind button three times, and all I got was that Hillbilly hates Jimmy’s poor penmanship. Thank you Legends’ House for making chill guy Hillbilly Jimmy Buffett seem like another psycho with a short temper.

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Later, Ashley shows up again and despite having on a moderately sexy outfit, Mean Gene decides to kick it into pervert overdrive and creepily ask Ashley how she’s doin’, like he’s f*cking Joey Tribbiani. A lingering, uncomfortable look later and Ashley moves on to tell them that their next assignment is to make some paintings for a charity art show. That opens the floodgates for more not-so-subtle creepiness, as Duggan asks Ashley to model for their paintings, and Hillbilly chimes in with it being nude modeling. Even at their age, these legends still got it! Tony, being the only rational one decides to sit this one out as he knows not to mix his pleasure (art) with collaboration that will end in someone shooting down his ideas and telling him what to do. And as if to prove him right, Jimmy Hart suggests off the bat that he draw all the legends. Howard and Pat are bit more resourceful and instead ask for Tony’s advice on how to make their own paintings.

From there on, we get some Kindergarten finger-painting collage, and some attempts at abstract art. Tony’s painting is, of course, the best one and is for some reason or another of a sad clown. Which is obviously a cry for help. Tony’s trying to tell us something, you guys! Of course, someone shits on Tony’s painting, just not to his face; only to the audience watching at home. In this case it’s Jimmy Hart, who rates the clown painting a 3/10. Now we wait patiently, as the Bret Hart-Triple H 4/10 rating meme is slowly replaced by the Jimmy Hart 3/10 meme. But the real joke’s on Jimmy, as Tony points out that people are only interested in an autograph, they can give a “red ass” about what you paint.

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The art show takes place at a gallery that is apparently not on the same street where the rest of the Art Walk is happening, and the legends are given a surprise assignment of bringing in people to their gallery. People eventually show up including Ashley, who makes one last cameo appearance for pervert’s sake. And a silent auction is held because the amount of money people are bidding, on not only the legends’ art pieces but other decent photographs, draws in an embarrassingly low amount of money ($1,200). And surprisingly, this episode ends with little to no drama, and no real foreshadowing of anything remotely interesting. Unless you conclude, as I have, that Ashley will get so creeped out she’ll eventually start showing up to the house with security, or the final episode of Legends’ House will end with Mean Gene holding Ashley captive, refusing to go back home.

LEGENDARY LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Tony Atlas is a registered certified trainer
  • Mean Gene really needs to stop trying to make “balls” happen.
  • Tony is as country as a piece of cornbread.
  • It’s Howard Finkel’s prerogative to not eat chitlins.
  • If it’s edible, Tony can cook it.
  • Mean Gene’s poker face fails when up against pickled pigs’ feet.
  • Tony really loves chitlins.
  • Roddy Piper is not a fan of pigs’ feet and bull dick.
  • A bull penis is about the length of Jimmy Hart’s arm.
  • Jimmy’s hair stays the same, even inside a swimming pool…
  • Pat Patterson taught Koko B. Ware’s parrot, Frankie, how to say “f*ck you.”
  • Howard Finkel recycles his announcing tuxedos for any event that requires him to dress up.