Because it made for interesting television last week, this week we begin with more of Tony Atlas’ chitlins and pigs’ feet and how they reek of ass.

Tony and Jimmy Hart are busy cleaning out the fridge, and despite having not watched reality television for the last 10 years or so, the few years I spent watching Road Rules and The Real World has made me impatient with Legends’ House. And I’m already bored out of my damn mind within the first two minutes. Tony and Jimmy have a small spat because Jimmy keeps bossing Tony around. Forget that Tony Atlas cooks and cleans for the rest of the legends, but Jimmy Hart warns the audience that they have to walk on eggshells around him. Why do you think that is, Jimmy? Maybe it’s because you bastards have him being the Virgil of the group. You damn right you better watch what you say to Tony Atlas.

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Suddenly, the King Dork General of Evermore appears in place of Ashley, and makes just as sexy an appearance with his LARP goons dressed in full medieval attire. The legends are told what Live Action Role Playing is and they all make an unspoken pact to keep repeating the word LARPing throughout the episode. How else are they going to emphasize that they’re old and don’t know what things are? They mention that Ashley has been kidnapped and all they have left of her is one high heel shoe, which they toss at Tony, who salivates at the thought of being alone with Ashley’s shoe. Whether it was for show or not, Tony definitely upped the creepy factor early in the show by feigning disappointment that he didn’t get to jerk off to Ashley’s high heel. This is important to remember as this has set the standard for what is to come later.

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The men are given weapons to help them in battle. Each weapon has abilities in the make-believe world of Evermore, and is tied to the legends’ gimmicks. Jimmy Hart, for example, gets a foam megaphone attached to a stick. I’ll give the producers of the show credit for taking advantage of the situation and making weapons that fit the legends’ characters. Because if Hacksaw Jim Duggan wasn’t given a foam 2×4 I was going to throw my Roku remote at the damn TV. Surprisingly, Tony wasn’t given a shield and spear as a nod to his former Saba Simba character. A missed opportunity if ever there was one.

The legends go to the costume shop/armory so they can get their gear. Of course, some stray from the medieval theme, like Pat Patterson who decides to be a pimp and Jimmy Hart who dresses up as an Elvis impersonator. A cross-dressing Pat Patterson joke is thrown in for good measure, complete with flashback footage. At least Roddy Piper got to dress as Mel Gibson from Braveheart. For a minute there, as he was applying his face paint, I thought Piper was going for his Hot Rod/Hot Scotch look from WrestleMania VI. Once appropriately dressed, the legends take to the battlefield where, according to Tony, “When mens was mens and women were glad of it.” Which was easily the best line of the episode, until Piper, after giving his pep talk about the importance of saving Princess Ashley, follows it up with: “Let’s go save the bitch, now!” So much for PG.

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The LARPing begins and Ashley appears in full damsel in distress mode, complete with sexy old school maiden’s getup, midriff exposed and all. You know, how they wore it back in the day. Her captor, a warlock with a penchant for rhyming and too much time on his hands, unleashes his “army” and after a quick “Holy balls!” from Mean Gene, the battle commences. Lots of playful jabs and pokes are thrown, but mostly at Jimmy Hart, and from his own team, for being chicken-shit and running for cover as soon as the fight began. Not surprisingly, the legends liken the role playing to wrestling. No shit? Piper fully immerses himself in the role and goes apeshit because… well, he’s Roddy Piper. The guys then defeat the warlock and save Ashley.

Back home, the legends continue to shit on Jimmy, this time to his face, for being a coward and hiding instead of helping out. After the ball-busting, Tony decides to cook dinner again for the legends, because it’s not a Legends’ House episode without a whole damn segment dedicated to them figuring out how to and when to eat. Tony cooks up a meatloaf and, like that, he’s back in the good graces of everybody. Picky bastard Jimmy Hart doesn’t eat meatloaf and instead dines on cheese, crackers, and olives because deep down he apparently hates Tony Atlas with all his Jimmy heart. Patterson, not satisfied with the legends sitting at the dinner table eating, laughing, and having soft, sentimental music playing in the background, has to spell it out to the audience and the legends that they’re growing closer together. Classic wrestling 101: always assume that your audience is dumb.

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Ashley shows up the next morning, and Jimmy Hart, speaking for absolutely nobody, not even Pat Patterson, mentions that the guys are reluctant about her presence because it means they have to do shit. Even though they all turn to horndog caricatures as soon as she shows up. And I guess most of these guys have never seen a reality show before and don’t realize that people don’t want to see them play cards and figure out what to eat. But much to their surprise, the legends are invited to get pampered with massages and mani-pedis. And Mean Gene is looking forward to a full body massage, extra creepy emphasis on the full body. And the creepiness is shifted into overdrive once the massages and foot rubs get on their way. Asexual Jimmy Hart complains about how squeamish Mean Gene made him feel with all the one-liners and pick up lines. But really, isn’t that what has made Mean Gene so endearing all these years?

While Duggan waits his massage, Tony takes a seat next to him, also awaiting his turn. The look on Duggan’s face turns into the emoticon equivalent of F*ck My Life and mentions how Tony is grouchy because of his back pain. Even though all Tony is saying is that his back hurts. Duggan seriously needs to relax on this whole Tony Atlas smear campaign. The guy cooked you meatloaf just the other night! Can you blame Tony for not wanting a mani-pedi and skipping straight to the massage? Clearly he can relate as a fellow old and battered wrestler. Overall, a relaxing time is had by everyone but, between Pat and Tony, a bit more could’ve been done to fully service every part of their body. It then dawns on the legends, and no doubt the viewers at home, that they are getting very lonely in that house. And I grow even more concerned about Ashley’s safety in future episodes.

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Legendary Lessons Learned:

  • Tony Atlas is an extremist. There’s no gray area with Tony. And he’s a screwed up guy.
  • Hillbilly Jim has some reservations about LARPing.
  • King Doogan.
  • Hillbilly Jim just wants to be happy.
  • Jimmy Hart is a coward.
  • Mean Gene Okerlund = instant boner killer for Tony Atlas.
  • There ain’t a damn thing on a man that Tony wants.