The first segment of Legends’ House was brought to us by Lulu California Bistro: where Jimmy Hart eats something other than beans and potatoes. When the legends get back to their home after breakfast, Ashley is there, all dolled up in a glittery silver dress, ready to bring on the latest and lamest challenge yet. The living room has been turned into a warped version of The Newlywed Game, in which the four sets of roommates square off against one another to see who knows each other better. If you watched last week’s episode then you know the running theme was highlighting the legends’ loneliness; well, this week they seem to continue with that theme by reinforcing the fact that they have no connection to the outside world, only with each other.
Instead of Ashley hosting, she basically plays the Vanna White to some struggling actor’s Pat Sajak. The host asks some of the most uninteresting questions that do little to inspire any kind of entertainment. When Pat Patterson really has to reach for a dick joke, by claiming that his roommate Howard Finkel would spend money on gadgets like a dildo, you know they’re doing a horrible job of setting him up with easy zingers as they’ve done in previous episodes. It’s like they weren’t even trying. Jimmy Hart and Hillbilly Jim seem to be in sync with one another as they end up winning the game. On the other hand, Roddy Piper and Jim Duggan can’t even get on the same page despite constantly cheating and doing a really shitty job of it. They not only whisper their answers to each other, but Piper even goes so far as to write them down on his hand, but blind old bastard Duggan can’t even read it.
Hillbilly Jim and Jimmy Hart win tennis lessons from a pair of “cougars,” according to Mean Gene, who casually drops that reference as if he’d just learned it minutes before filming his talking head segment. Mean Gene makes sure he has front row seats for the doubles tennis match, cat calling and no doubt making the women feel uncomfortable as only Mean Gene can. Nothing much happens, except for Jimmy Hart once again getting under the skin of laid back Hillbilly Jim, the one guy who never loses his cool except for when he spends too much time with Jimmy Hart.
Piper announces that he’s got an outside deal to sign autographs in Atlanta, seeing as he’s the only legend in that house whose name is still monetarily worth a damn. As soon as he’s gone, we’re treated to a five-minute mental breakdown montage of Duggan. Without Piper he seems lost, but more than anything bored. You can’t really blame him because without Piper, Duggan is either being a jerk to Tony Atlas for no reason, or… well, that’s pretty much it. Although the cameras didn’t get it, I’m almost certain Duggan slept in Piper’s bed while he was away. The guy hasn’t seen his family in weeks, but all of a sudden loses his shit when Piper leaves, hovering over the phone hoping he’ll call like some teenage girl.
Without Piper to maintain the legends’ credibility, the producers fly in Shawn “what did I do to deserve this?” Michaels. The Heartbreak Kid shows up in the morning ready to take the legends out fishing. I was really hoping he’d take them out hunting instead, but considering how many people in that house dislike Tony Atlas, it could’ve turned into Ice T’s direct-to-video cinematic classic Surviving the Game. So we get about five to seven minutes of painfully boring fishing footage of these guys trying to catch something, all the while Shawn Michaels is subjected to some of Tony’s storytelling. He literally looks like he’d much rather be anywhere else. I’m pretty sure that Shawn Michaels, who’s a well-known outdoorsy guy, would’ve given anything to be in Marty Jannetty’s shoes at that moment.
Back at the house, in our mandatory cooking segment, Mean Gene takes it upon himself to gut and clean the catch of the day. He does this all while cursing out an annoying-as-hell Jimmy Hart. And as Shawn looks on, desperately wanting to help Gene so he can move along the process a lot faster and get the hell out of there. When the meal is finally prepared the legends eat and shoot the shit with Shawn and that’s about it. Seriously, nothing else happens. The episode ends with Shawn leaving just as quickly as he got there, regretting the day he agreed to make a cameo appearance.
And we officially conclude the most boring episode of Legends’ House to date. I really hope if they do another season of this show they make it a Big Brother, every man for himself, Royal Rumble-style elimination show where the winner gets an extended WWE Legends contract that mirrors what they were making in the heyday of the 80’s. Now that would make for interesting and entertaining television.
Legendary Lessons Learned:
- Roddy Piper can’t live without life.
- Jim Duggan can’t live without Piper.
- Every time you catch a fish you should chant “U-S-A!”
- The best thing about being in the outdoors with buddies is being in the outdoors with buddies.
- Jimmy Hart can definitely not tell when he’s not wanted.
- I can watch Mean Gene do Jimmy Hart impressions all day.
- Legends’ House episodes are way better when Tony Atlas is a big part of them.
- Legends’ House episodes are way better when Ashley makes more than one appearance.
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