You’re going to come across some annoying people in this crazy thing called life.

Yes, even in online video games. (Shocking I know.)

It’s fun to further caricaturize these vexatious sons (and daughters) of bitches in a little tongue-in-cheek segment we like to call “Annoying MMO Players.”


The Unique Little Snowflake


This guy just has to be different.

Be it foolish pride, an egregious need to exhibit individuality to people who just don’t give a damn, or the perverse lust to be revered as some mouse-clicking avant-garde (Sorry, that melee boomkin you “invented” won’t win you the adulation of your peers nor will it have PvPers chanting your name) — this guy thinks himself nothing less than sui generis and a urinator of unconventionality.

boomkin-boxing-gloves
“Don’t call it a comeback. I been here for years.”

And he wants everyone to know it.

Commonly overheard: “Cookie cutter spec? That’s bourgeois, bro. If I’m gonna get the rating that makes the ladies’ pussies pucker then I’m gonna get it the challenging way.”

Other person: “You’ve never gotten Gladiator in Arena though. This is almost certainly why: Your refusal to conform even the slightest bit for fear of being seen as a sheep. Which in turn makes you the same as everyone else clamoring their unparalleled uniqueness.”

“Whatever man. Keep on acquiescing to the mindless masses. I’m pioneering my own path, for reals.”


The Relentless Lowbie Camper


gank
“Hush, little lowbie. Or you’ll never see your precious Level 1 Leather Tunic or twelve copper ever again.”

“Camping” (or corpse camping) in MMOs is defined as lingering around a freshly killed player’s corpse and then brutally murdering them again as soon as they’re resurrected.

Poor little Legolaslol is just trying to level up in Stranglethorn Vale; all he needs to do is pilfer one more simian earlobe from a Thundering Gorilla carcass and he can head back to camp and call it a night.

Of course, Lowbiegankerz ain’t gonna let that happen. He’s going to butcher the poor Blood Elf that’s 60 levels lower than himself and then pat himself on the back and loins like he’s just successfully said three words to a woman that’s not from Moon Guard server.

This guy takes it a bit too far though. By camping people all fucking day. This guy’s entire $14.99 a month hinges upon being able to brutally murder those far weaker than himself. Over. And over. And over again.

An innocent goblin checking her mail; starcrossed Troll/Night Elf lovers curled up beneath the stars; scantily-clad gnomes in their snowy starting zone. None of them matter: To the Relentless Lowbie Camper they’re merely polygonal objects.

Commonly Overheard: One-on-one fair fights with players my own level? I mean, yeah, I guess that might be an indicator of skill. Me? I’m just culling the weak. If you can’t take the heat get your ass off the PvP server, brah. Also, I used to get my lunch money stolen every day for three years straight back in high school and this is sweet, sweet payback, son!


Myopic Morty; or, “Do It By the Book” Guy


Some of the most fun in MMOs like World of Warcraft comes from figuring out the most efficient ways to defeat raid bosses.

Of course, this was before raid guides became more pervasive than newspapers and you could find 68 strategies on how to kill Sargeras himself on 70 different websites three months before Blizzard started constructing his character model.

Myopic Morty doesn’t think so. This guy has to do it by the book. If you even slightly deviate from the boss strategy that he has just taken as Gospel from WoWPwners.com then he’ll bitch and moan and call for a wipe during the kill attempt, abandoning his own characters’ actions out of sheer spite until the self-fulfilling prophecy is actualized.

Commonly Overheard: “Sigh. We’re never gonna beat this boss if you keep Shield Slamming 4.5 seconds into the fight instead of 4.3 seconds into the fight. ::frustrated panting sounds:: That’s it. That’s a wipe. No, it doesn’t matter if we’re all still at 100% HP. That’s just not how you’re supposed to do it, for Pete’s sake!”


The Multi-Boxer


multibox-shaman
We are Legion… for we have no friends.

… Fucking asshole. You ever had five Flame Shocks ticking on you all at once? It makes you feel like you’re anyone that isn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger or Danny Glover from the Predator movies suddenly having the trademark triangle of laser dots appear on your chest.

In other words, “feelsbadman.”

Actually, you know what? Who cares? You spend that $139.90 a month however you want, champ. I won’t judge.

Commonly Overheard: “I may not own more than one t-shirt or pair of socks purchased after the year 1999, but my automatic ‘GET MURKED’ button from my squadron of Clone Shamans says that doesn’t matter, doesn’t it? Cower before me, peons!”


The Guy Who Never Turns His Mic Off on Vent/Skype


mom-yelling-at-kid-playing
“I don’t care if he’s going to roll on your ‘phat epics.’ We are going to eat dinner as a family for once, young man. Azeroth be damned!”

Yes, we heard your mom ask you if you wanted another steaming bowl of Cream of Mushroom soup. (And your subsequent, “No, ma. I already told you, not in the middle of a raid!”)

Yes, we know you think your little brother Mortimer should knock next time before “messing stuff up” in your room.

No, we’re not impressed by the amount of air you can expel through your nostrils.

No, we don’t want to hear your shitty music rattling off through your low quality microphone, further accentuating its shittiness.

Protip: Have some fucking consideration and turn your microphone off when you’re not talking to anyone.

Have annoying gamer types of your own to share? Commiserate in the comments section.

  • DonJuanBurgundy

    The guy in the featured image looks like a slightly chubbier Harry Potter sans spectacles. He must be reading one of those Harry/Ron slash fanfics. Er… not that I’d know anything about that.

  • If you add a part 3 please add the “Cowardly Thief”. The noob that asks for help in battle but waits until the opponent/s is weak then goes into the battle and gets the loot and spreads what happened to fellow noobs saying “i beat the (name of opponent)!” while leaving out the fact that you did everything.

    Commonly Overheard:

    Noob: Can you help me?
    Guy: Ok.
    (during the battle)
    Guy: Help me please?!?!?!?!?
    Noob: *ignores*
    (opponent reaches low health)
    Noob: *rushes into battle*
    (battle over)
    Noob: OMG! Awesome loot! Thanks a lot sucker!
    Guy: WTF?! Traitor!
    (when he see’s his noob friends)
    Noob: Bro’s i beat the (opponents name)
    Other Noobs: WOW!!SO COOL!!

    Or the “Fan-Boy”. The person who copies someone famous in the game in every way. Will always try to impress noobs so some dudes will believe him that he is that person. No matter how much some people say “you’re not him” he’ll still keep it up. Will act like a spoiled brat if exposed,always ages 6-10. When the parents explain they apologize. (Most of the time because you know kids, almost always obey their parents)

    Commonly Overheard:
    Fan-Boy: I’m (name of idol in game)
    Other people: No you’re not!
    Fan-Boy: I am!
    Noobs: He is the real deal!
    (after loads of arguing fan is exposed)
    Fan-Boy: I AM HIM!!!!!!
    Everyone: You’re not! For pete’s sake admit it!! You’re FAKE!
    Fan-Boy: *logs out, starts to cry and talks to parents who explain what he did was wrong*
    (after a while)
    Fan-Boy: I’m sorry, i won’t do it again.
    Everyone:If you do…..you’re reported.