Life with Archie #36

Written by Paul Kupperberg | Art by Pat & Tim Kennedy, Jim Amash, Jack Morelli, Glenn Whitmore

Dave: The first of many drive-by ketchup shootings.

Dog: Gangland retribution for that Punisher team-up.

Sean: I don’t see what Clay Aiken can do to help, but all right.

Patrick: For f--k sake Archie! Drink your soda like a big boy! Where’s your sippy cup?

Stray Bullets #5

Written by David Lapham | Art by David Lapham

Dave: Gil would appreciate it if you could carry him without a trip to the clambake.

Dog: Quadruple amputee, surfside, star-spangled faberge egg 69ing. I’d say that verifies Rule 34.

Jordan: Given the way he is drawn, he looks more like a broken marble statue with a wig and sunglasses on.

Dark Engine #1

Written by Ryan Burton | Art by John Bivens

Dave: This is what happens when sex, hippos and flesh eating diseases get stuck in a room together. I’ve seen it a hundred times….

Dog: Ah, memories of lazy summer days at home playing Surrealistic, Surrealistic Hippos.

Sean: Best wet dream yet!

Jordan: Well, isn’t that icky looking.

Rat Queens #7

Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Roc Upchurch

Dave: This basically sums up my relationship with pizza.

Dog: The rare Candyland variation of the Intact Eyeball Injection! They don’t teach that at the Kubert School.

Jordan: When she walks into town, no one in Candyland is safe from her maddness.

Cap’n Dinosaur (One-Shot)

Written by Kek-W | Art by Shaky Kane

Dave: This is what happens when you swallow your gum, kids.

Dog: He was murdered by Gay Pride Paste Pot Pete.

Jordan: That poor bastard. He was turned into a combination of pink slushy and gum!

Manifest Destiny #7

Written by Chris Dingess | Art by Matthew Roberts

Dave: True justice: A man tries to rape a woman and gets his back raped by a giant fly. I’ve seen it a hundred times…

Dog: If you thought the Punisher teaming with Archie was weird, wait ‘til you see him written by Kafka.

Jordan: Dear god, please don’t let the SyFy channel see this, otherwise it’s just going to give them more ideas for bad creature flicks.

Wonderland #25

Written by Eric M. Esquivel | Art by Manuel Preitano

Dog: Olivia Newton John the Barbarian.

Dave: I love how the word bubble is used to show he has nothing left to say. ‘Cause, you know, decapitation is something that makes people chatty!

Jordan: Hey! She asked a question; the least you could do before you die is answer her. Jerk.

Dog: She can’t be dead; the other girl moved her head, like, two inches. I’ve seen more vicious chiropractic adjustments.

Dave: I’d rather die than get my neck snapped with a derp face!

Greg: I feel like that’s what I’m going to look like when I die.

Sean: Like a brunette woman?

Jordan: It looks to me like she was killed by her clone.

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