Life with Archie #36
Written by Paul Kupperberg | Art by Pat & Tim Kennedy, Jim Amash, Jack Morelli, Glenn Whitmore
Dave: The first of many drive-by ketchup shootings.
Dog: Gangland retribution for that Punisher team-up.
Sean: I don’t see what Clay Aiken can do to help, but all right.
Patrick: For fuck sake Archie! Drink your soda like a big boy! Where’s your sippy cup?
Stray Bullets #5
Written by David Lapham | Art by David Lapham
Dave: Gil would appreciate it if you could carry him without a trip to the clambake.
Dog: Quadruple amputee, surfside, star-spangled faberge egg 69ing. I’d say that verifies Rule 34.
Jordan: Given the way he is drawn, he looks more like a broken marble statue with a wig and sunglasses on.
Dark Engine #1
Written by Ryan Burton | Art by John Bivens
Dave: This is what happens when sex, hippos and flesh eating diseases get stuck in a room together. I’ve seen it a hundred times….
Dog: Ah, memories of lazy summer days at home playing Surrealistic, Surrealistic Hippos.
Sean: Best wet dream yet!
Jordan: Well, isn’t that icky looking.
Rat Queens #7
Written by Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Roc Upchurch
Dave: This basically sums up my relationship with pizza.
Dog: The rare Candyland variation of the Intact Eyeball Injection! They don’t teach that at the Kubert School.
Jordan: When she walks into town, no one in Candyland is safe from her maddness.
Cap’n Dinosaur (One-Shot)
Written by Kek-W | Art by Shaky Kane
Dave: This is what happens when you swallow your gum, kids.
Dog: He was murdered by Gay Pride Paste Pot Pete.
Jordan: That poor bastard. He was turned into a combination of pink slushy and gum!
Manifest Destiny #7
Written by Chris Dingess | Art by Matthew Roberts
Dave: True justice: A man tries to rape a woman and gets his back raped by a giant fly. I’ve seen it a hundred times…
Dog: If you thought the Punisher teaming with Archie was weird, wait ‘til you see him written by Kafka.
Jordan: Dear god, please don’t let the SyFy channel see this, otherwise it’s just going to give them more ideas for bad creature flicks.
Written by Eric M. Esquivel | Art by Manuel Preitano
Dog: Olivia Newton John the Barbarian.
Dave: I love how the word bubble is used to show he has nothing left to say. ‘Cause, you know, decapitation is something that makes people chatty!
Jordan: Hey! She asked a question; the least you could do before you die is answer her. Jerk.
Dog: She can’t be dead; the other girl moved her head, like, two inches. I’ve seen more vicious chiropractic adjustments.
Dave: I’d rather die than get my neck snapped with a derp face!
Greg: I feel like that’s what I’m going to look like when I die.
Sean: Like a brunette woman?
Jordan: It looks to me like she was killed by her clone.