Tech Jacket #2



Written by Joe Keatinge | Art by Khary Randolph

Dave: Martian kisses are said to be much deeper, but they didn’t say just how deep!

Dog: An insectoid alien with a projectile, tooth-filled vagina. Did Freud write the screenplay for Starship Troopers 3?

Jordan: I think this guy was completely made of blood. There is no bones, skin, or organ matter anywhere here.


Goddess Inc. #1



Written by LaToya Morgan | Art by Manuel Preitano

Dave: She is going to be one sticky chick if she doesn’t wash dem bubbles off.

Jordan: I think she took a bath in either whipped cream or mayonnaise. Hard to say.

Dog: That first line is code for “he couldn’t find the g(od)-spot.”


Robocop #2



Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno

Dave: Blood Crotch, Krak Neck and Thuk Face all wondered why their oracle mother named them the way she did. Now they know. The bitch.

Jordan: I’m just curious and I want to make sure I steal the right bikes. It’d be completely rude if I stole the wrong hogs, you understand.

Dog: All this over hogs? It’s like Sons of Anarchy meets Amish Mafia.


Nailbiter #4



Written by John Layman | Art by Rob Guillory

Dog: “They told you to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times!”

Dave: Carol is not here right now, but if you’d like to leave a message with Stumpy McGee he’s all ears. He still has those.

Jordan: Sir, that clearly does not look like Carol. Did you forget to wear your glasses again?


Hack/Slash: Son of Samhain #2



Written Michael Moreci | Drawn by Emilio Laiso

Dave: What did we say about playing with your food at the table?!

Dog: He’s a fucking giant, gnashing tooth monster, Dave! Be glad he daintily sliced the guy in two instead of just swallowing him whole.


Spread #2



Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Kyle Strahm

Dave: Blood streamers are the best!

Jordan: Talk about power behind that beheading. He completely destroyed the chin and all of the neck in a single blow.

Dog: You know what I was saying just the other day? Comics need a hipster, woodsman vigilante character.


Clone #9



Written by David Schulner | Art by Juan Jose Ryp

Dave: The dreaded urine slap is the worst slap of them all.

Jordan: Man, she slapped the lemonade right out of that guy.

Dog: I think “splash” is the more appropriate sound here.


Cyberforce #10



Written by Marc Silvestri | Art by Marco Turini

Dave: Those intestines must snag all the time.

Jordan: Yeah! It’s so awful to pick on this KISS fangirl who is missing her legs! Totally rude and classic asshole behavior.

Dog: My Thundercats Halloween piñata arrived! By air mail!


Ghost Rider #5



Written by and Drawn by Tradd Moore

Dave: I take it back. I don’t want half.

Jordan: So where exactly is this guy standing when he does this?

Dog: I think his legs are being sucked into a dimension filled with raspberry preserves.


Invincible



Written by Robert Kirkman | Art by Ryan Ottley

Dave: Cheez Wiz man should have stayed home and made those nachos.

Jordan: That guy sure bleeds a lot of orange juice.

Dog: Not my limited edition spray tan Skeletor!


Swamp Thing #34



Written by Charles Soule | Art by Javier Pina

Jordan: Oh no! Look what the awful tumor monster did those people!

Dave: Looks like my fecal exam grew legs and killed the entire hospital staff again. Ugh, now where will I go to get my DooDoo Test?!

Dog: He’s got a huge sack to do all that damage. Seriously, look at it; it’s the size of gym class volleyball bag.


Hinterkind #10



Written by Ian Edginton | Art by Francesco Trifogli

Dog: “I said no parties while your mother and I were on the Cape!”

Jordan: Huh. Who knew smashing a guy’s head against a wall until it explodes made no sound?

Dave: I love playing pin the head on the donkey.