Tech Jacket #2
Written by Joe Keatinge | Art by Khary Randolph
Dave: Martian kisses are said to be much deeper, but they didn’t say just how deep!
Dog: An insectoid alien with a projectile, tooth-filled vagina. Did Freud write the screenplay for Starship Troopers 3?
Jordan: I think this guy was completely made of blood. There is no bones, skin, or organ matter anywhere here.
Goddess Inc. #1
Written by LaToya Morgan | Art by Manuel Preitano
Dave: She is going to be one sticky chick if she doesn’t wash dem bubbles off.
Jordan: I think she took a bath in either whipped cream or mayonnaise. Hard to say.
Dog: That first line is code for “he couldn’t find the g(od)-spot.”
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno
Dave: Blood Crotch, Krak Neck and Thuk Face all wondered why their oracle mother named them the way she did. Now they know. The bitch.
Jordan: I’m just curious and I want to make sure I steal the right bikes. It’d be completely rude if I stole the wrong hogs, you understand.
Dog: All this over hogs? It’s like Sons of Anarchy meets Amish Mafia.
Written by John Layman | Art by Rob Guillory
Dog: “They told you to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times!”
Dave: Carol is not here right now, but if you’d like to leave a message with Stumpy McGee he’s all ears. He still has those.
Jordan: Sir, that clearly does not look like Carol. Did you forget to wear your glasses again?
Hack/Slash: Son of Samhain #2
Written Michael Moreci | Drawn by Emilio Laiso
Dave: What did we say about playing with your food at the table?!
Dog: He’s a fucking giant, gnashing tooth monster, Dave! Be glad he daintily sliced the guy in two instead of just swallowing him whole.
Written by Justin Jordan | Art by Kyle Strahm
Dave: Blood streamers are the best!
Jordan: Talk about power behind that beheading. He completely destroyed the chin and all of the neck in a single blow.
Dog: You know what I was saying just the other day? Comics need a hipster, woodsman vigilante character.
Written by David Schulner | Art by Juan Jose Ryp
Dave: The dreaded urine slap is the worst slap of them all.
Jordan: Man, she slapped the lemonade right out of that guy.
Dog: I think “splash” is the more appropriate sound here.
Written by Marc Silvestri | Art by Marco Turini
Dave: Those intestines must snag all the time.
Jordan: Yeah! It’s so awful to pick on this KISS fangirl who is missing her legs! Totally rude and classic asshole behavior.
Dog: My Thundercats Halloween piñata arrived! By air mail!
Ghost Rider #5
Written by and Drawn by Tradd Moore
Dave: I take it back. I don’t want half.
Jordan: So where exactly is this guy standing when he does this?
Dog: I think his legs are being sucked into a dimension filled with raspberry preserves.
Written by Robert Kirkman | Art by Ryan Ottley
Dave: Cheez Wiz man should have stayed home and made those nachos.
Jordan: That guy sure bleeds a lot of orange juice.
Dog: Not my limited edition spray tan Skeletor!
Swamp Thing #34
Written by Charles Soule | Art by Javier Pina
Jordan: Oh no! Look what the awful tumor monster did those people!
Dave: Looks like my fecal exam grew legs and killed the entire hospital staff again. Ugh, now where will I go to get my DooDoo Test?!
Dog: He’s got a huge sack to do all that damage. Seriously, look at it; it’s the size of gym class volleyball bag.
Written by Ian Edginton | Art by Francesco Trifogli
Dog: “I said no parties while your mother and I were on the Cape!”
Jordan: Huh. Who knew smashing a guy’s head against a wall until it explodes made no sound?
Dave: I love playing pin the head on the donkey.