Swamp Thing #1: Futures End

Written Charles Soule | Art by Jesus Saiz

Dave: And this is why you can’t find a date for the swamp prom!

Dog: In the future, bouncers won’t ask for ID. They’ll just slice you in half and count the rings.

Jordan: A-ha! I knew that one of you was a fake! It only took me five tries to find the imposter.

Tech Jacket #3

Written Joe Keatinge | Art by Emilio Lopez

Dave: I haven’t found cancer so “bad ass” since Breaking Bad season 3!

Dog: I’d rather not have a surgeon who needs to stop and ask for directions. Especially if he’s cosplaying as the Guyver while carving me up.

John: Why is there a Nautolan here? Shouldn’t he be in a galaxy far far away?

Jordan: Hmmm… it could be just me, but I don’t think this guy is a real doctor.

Robocop #3

Written Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno

Dave: If sucking balls means a bleeding brain mess on your floor then yes, yes it is.

Dog: Is it also “totally grody to the max,” Officer Valley Girl?

John: Head splitting bullets, the wave of the future.

Jordan: “Sucks balls?” The police has degraded to the maturity of a middle schooler.

Alice Cooper #1

Written by Joe Harris | Art by Eman Casallos

Dave: I’m more of a sloppy navel orange kind of guy.

Dog: I’m not a fan of huge melons, myself. More than a honeydew is a waste.

Jordan: Sloppy?! How dare you!

The Woods #5

Written by James Tynion IV | Art by Michael Dialynas

Dave: Reminds me of every single NFL Sunday. Some snacks, some ball and some mutant rabbit!

John: Aw! Nom nom nom nom.

Dog: Startling new evidence that Tyrannosaurs were not only scavengers, but hosers.

Jordan: I was unaware that rabbits had a green gooey center.

Nailbiter #5

Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Mike Henderson

Dog: Maybe you shouldn’t have replaced your hemoglobin with magnesium dioxide.

Dave: If that’s his definition of a hint of blood I don’t want to know what his definition of a gusher looks like.

John: Doesn’t he know battery acid IS sweet?

Jordan: This is a weird anti-fingernail chewing PSA.

Dejah of Mars #4

Written by Mark Rahner | Art by Jethro Morales

Dave: How is she not bleeding profusely from her hand?

Dog: How is she not spilling profusely from her top?

Clive Barker’s Nightbreed #4

Written Clive Barker, Marc Andreyko | Art by Piotr Kowalski

John: I just love chocolat for desert!

Dave: Who changes that thing’s diaper?!

Dog: Really, what’s the point of even having a neck if it just dangles your head between your b---h tits?

Jordan: … I got nothing. This speaks for itself.

Nightworld #2

Written by Paolo Leandri | Art by Paolo Leandri

Dave: Dubstep has gone too far!

Dog: “You’re right, Frank, we really should unionize. I mean, we don’t even get dental!”

John: What are you doing back there? NO! Stop toying with my brain!

The Squidder #3

Written and Art by Ben Templesmith

Dog: He’s so sloppy he has to keep his sword attached to his wallet chain.

Dave: Ah man that squid…walked right into that one? I guess the appropriate terminology would be, he shot water out of his siphon right into that one.

God Hates Astronauts #1

Written and Art by Ryan Browne

Dave: Yo-yo eyeball is yo-yo fun!

Dog: Is it still onomatopoeia if you just spell out normal words?