Swamp Thing #1: Futures End
Written Charles Soule | Art by Jesus Saiz
Dave: And this is why you can’t find a date for the swamp prom!
Dog: In the future, bouncers won’t ask for ID. They’ll just slice you in half and count the rings.
Jordan: A-ha! I knew that one of you was a fake! It only took me five tries to find the imposter.
Tech Jacket #3
Written Joe Keatinge | Art by Emilio Lopez
Dave: I haven’t found cancer so “bad ass” since Breaking Bad season 3!
Dog: I’d rather not have a surgeon who needs to stop and ask for directions. Especially if he’s cosplaying as the Guyver while carving me up.
John: Why is there a Nautolan here? Shouldn’t he be in a galaxy far far away?
Jordan: Hmmm… it could be just me, but I don’t think this guy is a real doctor.
Written Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno
Dave: If sucking balls means a bleeding brain mess on your floor then yes, yes it is.
Dog: Is it also “totally grody to the max,” Officer Valley Girl?
John: Head splitting bullets, the wave of the future.
Jordan: “Sucks balls?” The police has degraded to the maturity of a middle schooler.
Alice Cooper #1
Written by Joe Harris | Art by Eman Casallos
Dave: I’m more of a sloppy navel orange kind of guy.
Dog: I’m not a fan of huge melons, myself. More than a honeydew is a waste.
Jordan: Sloppy?! How dare you!
The Woods #5
Written by James Tynion IV | Art by Michael Dialynas
Dave: Reminds me of every single NFL Sunday. Some snacks, some ball and some mutant rabbit!
John: Aw! Nom nom nom nom.
Dog: Startling new evidence that Tyrannosaurs were not only scavengers, but hosers.
Jordan: I was unaware that rabbits had a green gooey center.
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Mike Henderson
Dog: Maybe you shouldn’t have replaced your hemoglobin with magnesium dioxide.
Dave: If that’s his definition of a hint of blood I don’t want to know what his definition of a gusher looks like.
John: Doesn’t he know battery acid IS sweet?
Jordan: This is a weird anti-fingernail chewing PSA.
Dejah of Mars #4
Written by Mark Rahner | Art by Jethro Morales
Dave: How is she not bleeding profusely from her hand?
Dog: How is she not spilling profusely from her top?
Clive Barker’s Nightbreed #4
Written Clive Barker, Marc Andreyko | Art by Piotr Kowalski
John: I just love chocolat for desert!
Dave: Who changes that thing’s diaper?!
Dog: Really, what’s the point of even having a neck if it just dangles your head between your bitch tits?
Jordan: … I got nothing. This speaks for itself.
Written by Paolo Leandri | Art by Paolo Leandri
Dave: Dubstep has gone too far!
Dog: “You’re right, Frank, we really should unionize. I mean, we don’t even get dental!”
John: What are you doing back there? NO! Stop toying with my brain!
The Squidder #3
Written and Art by Ben Templesmith
Dog: He’s so sloppy he has to keep his sword attached to his wallet chain.
Dave: Ah man that squid…walked right into that one? I guess the appropriate terminology would be, he shot water out of his siphon right into that one.
God Hates Astronauts #1
Written and Art by Ryan Browne
Dave: Yo-yo eyeball is yo-yo fun!
Dog: Is it still onomatopoeia if you just spell out normal words?