Spider-Man 2099 #4

Written Peter David | Art by Will Sliney

Dave: My anacondas does want some, son!

John: Glad Spider-Man got some buns then!

Dog: I thought all those variant covers got pulled?

Patrick: Stupid sexy Spidey.


Written and Drawn by James Harvey

Dave: Is that Paris Hilton?

John: Plastic surgery: The origins of the zombie apocalypse.

Dog: Looks like she should be wearing a wedding dress in the climax of Beetlejuice.

Death of Wolverine #3

Written Charles Soule | Art by Steve McNiven, Jay Leisten

Dave: Now that’s what I call giving a job to a hand!

Sam: High five…psych!

Brides of Helheim #1

Written Cullen Bunn | Art by Joelle Jones

Dave: Everybody loves that peanut layer.

John: Just the right combination of sweet and sour! Yum!

God Hates Astronauts #2

Written Ryan Browne | Art by Jim Rugg

Dave: I made one of these in 5th grade, only mine was made of papier-mâché, baking soda, vinegar and cow testicles!

Dog: The director took some artistic liberties with the film adaptation of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

Dave: I’d only worship this version of God.

Dog: The doves flying in a vacuum really keep me from suspending my disbelief of the murderous deity in a Prince robe.

Patrick: This summer. God’s back…and HE. IS. PISSED!

Robocop #4

Written Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno

Dave: The Three Stooges sure get dark in the 2020 version.

John: Try the new 2014 vintage: Murphy’s Cabernet Sauvignon!

Dog: When was Detroit overridden by Strawberry Shortcake villains?

Hack/Slash: Son of Samhain #4

Written Michael Moreci | Art by Stefano Caselli

Dave: I hate when they get a pop out. It’s like a pop up.

Dog: Always make sure to go into battle in yoga pants, to maximize flexibility.

Sing No Evil

Written JP Ahonen| Art by KP Alare

Dog: I’m more excited than I should be for this unrated version of Scott Pilgrim.

Dave: So the metaphor is when you play guitar in front of a crowd you’re sticking your dick out over their heads? This does not meet food and drug regulations!

Nailbiter #6

Written Joshua Henderson | Art by Mike Henderson

Dave: I don’t think this guy really “needs” a needle. AMIRIGHT?!

Dog: This is how Jenny McCarthy thinks vaccines are administered.

Rat Queens #8

Written Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Roc Upchurch

Dave: Boob sweat over chick beard every time.

Dog: Sorry Scott Pilgrim Uncensored, Disney’s Bearded Lady Brave now has my full attention.

Witchblade #178

Written Ron Marz | Art by Laura Braga

Dog: She sucked the ugly right out of him.

John: So, who knew oral ejaculation was a thing.

Dave: If you’re going to make out with a demon you better swallow. Just sayin’.