Spider-Man 2099 #4
Written Peter David | Art by Will Sliney
Dave: My anacondas does want some, son!
John: Glad Spider-Man got some buns then!
Dog: I thought all those variant covers got pulled?
Patrick: Stupid sexy Spidey.
Written and Drawn by James Harvey
Dave: Is that Paris Hilton?
John: Plastic surgery: The origins of the zombie apocalypse.
Dog: Looks like she should be wearing a wedding dress in the climax of Beetlejuice.
Death of Wolverine #3
Written Charles Soule | Art by Steve McNiven, Jay Leisten
Dave: Now that’s what I call giving a job to a hand!
Sam: High five…psych!
Brides of Helheim #1
Written Cullen Bunn | Art by Joelle Jones
Dave: Everybody loves that peanut layer.
John: Just the right combination of sweet and sour! Yum!
God Hates Astronauts #2
Written Ryan Browne | Art by Jim Rugg
Dave: I made one of these in 5th grade, only mine was made of papier-mâché, baking soda, vinegar and cow testicles!
Dog: The director took some artistic liberties with the film adaptation of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.
Dave: I’d only worship this version of God.
Dog: The doves flying in a vacuum really keep me from suspending my disbelief of the murderous deity in a Prince robe.
Patrick: This summer. God’s back…and HE. IS. PISSED!
Written Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno
Dave: The Three Stooges sure get dark in the 2020 version.
John: Try the new 2014 vintage: Murphy’s Cabernet Sauvignon!
Dog: When was Detroit overridden by Strawberry Shortcake villains?
Hack/Slash: Son of Samhain #4
Written Michael Moreci | Art by Stefano Caselli
Dave: I hate when they get a pop out. It’s like a pop up.
Dog: Always make sure to go into battle in yoga pants, to maximize flexibility.
Sing No Evil
Written JP Ahonen| Art by KP Alare
Dog: I’m more excited than I should be for this unrated version of Scott Pilgrim.
Dave: So the metaphor is when you play guitar in front of a crowd you’re sticking your dick out over their heads? This does not meet food and drug regulations!
Written Joshua Henderson | Art by Mike Henderson
Dave: I don’t think this guy really “needs” a needle. AMIRIGHT?!
Dog: This is how Jenny McCarthy thinks vaccines are administered.
Rat Queens #8
Written Kurtis J. Wiebe | Art by Roc Upchurch
Dave: Boob sweat over chick beard every time.
Dog: Sorry Scott Pilgrim Uncensored, Disney’s Bearded Lady Brave now has my full attention.
Written Ron Marz | Art by Laura Braga
Dog: She sucked the ugly right out of him.
John: So, who knew oral ejaculation was a thing.
Dave: If you’re going to make out with a demon you better swallow. Just sayin’.