Wolverines (2015-) #1



Written by Charles Soule | Art by Alison Borges

Dog: You’re not going to find any different DNA in his eyeball. I’d hope a master geneticist would realize that.

Dave: I don’t know, it just looks too easy.

Alyssa: Of all the sound effects they could have used, “Rrrripp” seems way too tame. Put some effort in! That guy drew all that blood for you.

Russ: Daken would have made a shitty Three Stooges member. Guy can’t even properly block an eye gouge.


Robocop #7



Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno

Dave: Doesn’t Robocop know you always go for it on 4th and 1? Punting is the non aggressive move!

Dog: If the perp’s decapitated head could speak, he’d probably say it was plenty aggressive.

John: Next Challenger: Chuck Norris!

Alyssa: Is it just me, or is the older soldier having a very strange reaction to this? Someone needs to lay off the snuff films.


Lady Killer #1



Written by Joëlle Jones, Jamie S. Rich | Art by Joëlle Jones

Dave: Cutting through the clavicle is the toughest Thanksgiving feat!

John: Talk about a boob job!

Alyssa: Ladies, take note: always stab your victims from behind to save your clothes from blood spatter! No amount of tears can wash out a blood stain.

Dog: But the Avon products she’s selling will leave the victim’s skin with that porcelain cadaver glow!


Wolf Moon #2



Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Jeremy Haun

Dave: A lot of tearing going on this week.

John: Bane wished he had thought of this first…

Dog: I’d advise whoever’s firing those bullets to aim for the fricking werewolf. The legless torso of Pouches McGee is not the threat here.


God Hates Astronauts #5



Written by Ryan Browne

Dave: This confirms my fear that land and sea cows will unite and annihilate the human race.

John: Wait…that is a cow? Totally thought it was a walking glue factory.

Dog: Did anyone else hear the ‘60s “Batman” music while reading those panels?


Red Sonja: Vulture’s Circle #1



Written by Nancy A. Collins, Luke Lieberman | Art by Fritz Casas

Dave: Gives new meaning to the question, “What if I was never born?”

Dog: “College is too fucking expensive; I’m not popping this kid out ‘til he’s eligible for social security.”

Russ: “Looks like we won’t be needing that breast pump, after all, Sefkh. Junior’s getting bottle fed.”


Humans #3



Written by Keenan Marshall Keller | Art by Tom Neely

Dave: If I’ve learned anything from doing this column it’s that eyeballs are indestructible and all the skull, tissue and brains around it means nothing.

Dog: Monkey see … without stereoscopic vision from now on.