Wolverines (2015-) #1
Written by Charles Soule | Art by Alison Borges
Dog: You’re not going to find any different DNA in his eyeball. I’d hope a master geneticist would realize that.
Dave: I don’t know, it just looks too easy.
Alyssa: Of all the sound effects they could have used, “Rrrripp” seems way too tame. Put some effort in! That guy drew all that blood for you.
Russ: Daken would have made a s----y Three Stooges member. Guy can’t even properly block an eye gouge.
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Carlos Magno
Dave: Doesn’t Robocop know you always go for it on 4th and 1? Punting is the non aggressive move!
Dog: If the perp’s decapitated head could speak, he’d probably say it was plenty aggressive.
John: Next Challenger: Chuck Norris!
Alyssa: Is it just me, or is the older soldier having a very strange reaction to this? Someone needs to lay off the snuff films.
Lady Killer #1
Written by Joëlle Jones, Jamie S. Rich | Art by Joëlle Jones
Dave: Cutting through the clavicle is the toughest Thanksgiving feat!
John: Talk about a boob job!
Alyssa: Ladies, take note: always stab your victims from behind to save your clothes from blood spatter! No amount of tears can wash out a blood stain.
Dog: But the Avon products she’s selling will leave the victim’s skin with that porcelain cadaver glow!
Wolf Moon #2
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Jeremy Haun
Dave: A lot of tearing going on this week.
John: Bane wished he had thought of this first…
Dog: I’d advise whoever’s firing those bullets to aim for the fricking werewolf. The legless torso of Pouches McGee is not the threat here.
God Hates Astronauts #5
Written by Ryan Browne
Dave: This confirms my fear that land and sea cows will unite and annihilate the human race.
John: Wait…that is a cow? Totally thought it was a walking glue factory.
Dog: Did anyone else hear the ‘60s “Batman” music while reading those panels?
Red Sonja: Vulture’s Circle #1
Written by Nancy A. Collins, Luke Lieberman | Art by Fritz Casas
Dave: Gives new meaning to the question, “What if I was never born?”
Dog: “College is too f-----g expensive; I’m not popping this kid out ‘til he’s eligible for social security.”
Russ: “Looks like we won’t be needing that breast pump, after all, Sefkh. Junior’s getting bottle fed.”
Written by Keenan Marshall Keller | Art by Tom Neely
Dave: If I’ve learned anything from doing this column it’s that eyeballs are indestructible and all the skull, tissue and brains around it means nothing.
Dog: Monkey see … without stereoscopic vision from now on.