Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Mike Henderson
Dave: Master Chef Junior…this is how it starts.
Alyssa: Kids, remember to always close your eyes when stabbing. Blood stings!
Sam: Here comes the airplane!
John: This is just a routine check-up. Stick out your tongue and open wide.
Nick: Of course I picked TODAY to wear a mock turtleneck instead of a full length one!
Written by Cullen Bunn | Art by Alisson Borges
Dave: What was she going to do with that stapler?!
John: She had to finish packing her box.
Dog: Wait, LOBO took the red stapler? Milton was set up!
Dave: Straight up theft from the amazing so bad it’s good Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky.
Dog: I’m not scared of a villain who orders from Bass Pro Shops. Pretty sure I bought my dad that same fish-cleaning tool for his birthday.
Written by Joshua Williamson | Art by Andrei Bressan
Dave: That ain’t blood, that’s some thick ass jam!
Dog: Add a side of chitlins for the best giant, purple puma snout this side of the Mason-Dixon!
Nick: I think this thing sneezed at the same time I was chopping its nose off!
John: Scooby Doo! Where are you? Arroo!
Written by Brian K. Vaughn | Art by Fiona Staples
Dave: For those of you bored of golden showers, I give you: golden downpours!
John: I don’t think he is doing a very good job of potty training his lizard.
Dog: I mean, where do you find Kaiju-sized Depends? The geriatric big and tall store?
Lady Killer #2
Written by Joëlle Jones, Jamie S. Rich | Art by Joëlle Jones
Dave: In that first panel…clothing malfunction or colorist sneaking one by the editors?
Alyssa: Dave, she needs to get to a dermatologist immediately.
Nick: Hey now…some of us have yellow nipples and still manage to lead healthy, normal lives.
Sam: I was worried for a second there wasn’t going to be a crotch shot somewhere in here, thank god they threw it in at the end.
The Goon: Once Upon a Hard Time #1
Written by Eric Powell | Art by Eric Powell
Dave: How awesome would it be if one of Jesus’ powers was acid-related?
John: Finally we find out what Dorothy really threw on the Wicked Witch!
Sam: His new mouthwash had some unintended side effects, but hey, look how clean his teeth are!
Nick: I thought ‘Bless You’ was the customary thing to say when someone sneezed, but whatever works.
Written by Taki Soma | Art by Michael Avon Oeming
Dave: You’re upset you’re not “being together” when one of you is on the toilet? Okay, there’s kink, and then there’s poo kink!
Dog: Purple-painted, disabled, blumpkin porn. Rule 34 strikes again.
Written by Keenan Marshall Keller | Art by Tom Neely
Dave: Fun fact: This is how the game of horseshoes was invented.
Nick: This is how first year dental students feel during their first peer observed procedure.
John: Dave, I don’t know about horseshoes, but Ultimate Frisbee is definitely a possibility.
Sam: The blood splatter is clearly in the shape of the Nike arc. Nike, the official sponsor of the Bloody Horseshoes League.
Written by Stuart Moore | Art by Gus Storms
Dog “His veins are constructed of acropora coral!”
Dave: Fred was always at a loss for words, but in this case everyone judged him.
John: So I got his leg, you get the knife, who wants his head? To the victors go the spoils!
Nick: The intern was really a robot this whole time!
Stray Bullets: Sunshine And Roses #1
Written and Drawn by David Lapham
Dave: This is what too many hot dogs does to you.
John: Who knew an eclair could be a metaphor for a dead man’s head?
Nick: …and that’s why TGI Fridays’ All You Can Eat Mozzarella Sticks is never a good decision.
Dog: And here I thought Stacy Keach had gone and gauged his lower lip.